Women March for Equal Pay

October 18, 2002, the Mall, Washington, D.C. After a rally planned later today, women from all across the nation will march on the nation’s capital to demand equal pay for equal work. “Eighty cents on the dollar wasn’t enough for our mothers, and it’s not enough for us!” shouted rally participants.

As he strode past the swelling throng of protestors, Attorney General John Ashcroft snarled: “I can’t believe this! Don’t these stupid broads realize that they’re lucky to have jobs—any jobs at all— regardless of the pay? How could anyone be foolhardy enough to complain, especially in this economy? For each of these ditzy broads to have a job, that job has to be taken away from a capable, responsible man who desperately needs that money to support a broad and children. And for what, so that these fickle finicky broads can buy themselves more dresses, more nylons, and more tubes of color-coordinated lipstick? Seriously, just how much nail polish does a broad really need?”

The administration maintains that paying lip-service to equal rights constitutes a sufficient observance of the principle. Their implicit argument is that women simply aren’t as smart or as capable as men, what with their uteruses and all. “It’s that kind of talk that drives wedges between people and makes blood boil,” growled one of the rally’s organizers, Dr. Zoe Owens, Ph.D. philosopher and author of such introspectively religious books as “Jesus Holy Christ Almighty.” “A woman doesn’t get a free ride through school just because she’s cute. Women go to the same colleges and universities as men and earn the same degrees. In fact, many women have to work even harder than men to get through, especially in the sciences, where women are still very much in the minority. These women may face active discouragement from pursuing their chosen degrees in favor of something their male professors find less threatening. Given any two individuals that work honestly for their own grades, a woman who graduates from the same school as a man having earned comparable grades to his must for all intents and purposes be assumed to be equally qualified and capable.

“The argument that women aren’t as entitled to the money as men is utter nonsense. With the growing number of single moms out there, it is outrageous to assume that a woman would never attempt to support herself and her family independently of the income of some man somewhere. In fact, self-supporting women of all ages and means, with or without children, face economic discrimination at every turn, whether they are buying clothes, automobiles, or houses or whether they are paying for simple services like dry cleaning. So, if anything, women are entitled to more money than men to compensate for the economic discrimination they face.”

Dr. Owens concluded, “I fully support this march for equal pay, even if it is overdue by about twenty years. I hope it will be the first action of many that American women take to secure and ensure their rights now and in the future. The fight for equality and basic liberties is an ongoing battle that we must commit to pursue indefinitely, lest we lose ground to those who would control us and have society revert to treating us like chattel. If we women don’t step up and fight for our rights, we will surely lose the few rights we have, be they real or lip-service.”

The attorney general paused to listen to the remarks before moving away from the crowd. Looking over his shoulder in disgust at the protestors as he disappeared from view, he sneered: “The next thing you know, these crazy broads will be burning their bras.”

Denouncing Firearm Fingerprinting, Bush Sets Forth New Era of Standards for America

October 16, 2002. From the Oval Office today, Mr. Bush pooh-poohed the concept of gun fingerprinting as an invasion of the privacy of American gun owners, since the gun identification information could ultimately be used to create a database of the nation’s gun owners. Based on the sniper attacks the fingerprinting was intended to address and the privacy issues stemming from it, Mr. Bush took the opportunity to speak to the American public regarding the moral standards he expects the nation to adopt and uphold.

“When will you people get it? Us good churchgoing folks in the moral majority of the Republican Party have explained it again and again. I mean, sheesh, you people make me look like Einstein or something. Listen up because I’m only going through it one more time. OK, now, read my lips: it’s alright to kill people with guns. Charlton Heston and the NRA told me so, and that many gun owners can’t be wrong. I mean, Charlton Heston is like God or Moses or something, so you’ve got to believe him if you’re going to believe anybody. I’ll say it again: God doesn’t mind if you shoot some poor bastard, but He hates it if you let women kill their unborn because that would give women too much control over their lives. Guns good, abortion bad. Got it? Try to pay attention next time, people.

“Let’s talk privacy. If you want to become a naturalized citizen, we will fingerprint you and put you in our database. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you weren’t born on American soil, you might be a spy, and spies cost American lives. And, since car crashes cost lives, there is a database of car owners based on vehicle identification numbers. And we expect—nay, demand—that auto dealerships all across the nation use that database to hound car owners into buying a brand new car from the day they take delivery on the latest model. This is America—if it’s one day old, it’s obsolete. Who wants to drive a car that’s two minutes ago? The bottom line is that spies kill people and cars kill people. But guns don’t kill people, so there’s no reason on God’s green earth to stigmatize them or their owners by fingerprinting them, and I just won’t stand for it. I personally will not do anything to jeopardize the sniper’s shooting spree because, hey, he hasn’t hit anybody I know, so it’s not my problem anyway.

“Let’s talk some more about arms. I don’t mean 223-caliber high-powered rifles you could use to pick off somebody cowering by their car. I mean the nice big guns … heavy artillery, the kind you can use to bring a tinpot Muslim dictator to his knees. There’s something you can sink your teeth into. Now, everybody knows that America is in a great holy war on terrorism that has been mandated by God. This means that we have to keep all these Muslim terrorists from getting their grubby mitts on these big, powerful, titillating guns, and we have to severely reprimand anybody who sells these guns to terrorists … unless the arms dealers are in fact wealthy friends of mine who stand to make a buck or two in the bargain. Then, it’s OK. I mean, when we start bombing Iraq, it won’t be any fun shooting at them if they can’t at least fire off a few rounds back to make it look respectable. So what if a few American soldiers come home in body bags … at least I know it won’t be either of my two ditzy boozing daughters because [the military] can’t draft girls. All I have to do is sit back and watch the action, and, believe me, I’m ready for some. Bring it on!

“The take-home message is that America needs moral standards, by Jingo, and the wealthy religious right is the group to lay down those standards. My fellow Americans, you can trust us as we exercise our right to do whatever we want because of our claims to wealth and morality while we snub the rest of you poor insignificant trash and help you out of what little money you have so we can pad our own pockets all the more. Oops, did I say that aloud? I probably wasn’t supposed to … and I think it may have been a run-on sentence, whatever that is. Anyway, my fellow citizens, you can trust me and all my Republican cronies. We have everybody’s best interests at heart. The American people need to be controlled, and we need to control them. Let us do the thinking for you. That way, you won’t get wrinkles, and you’ll be much happier in the long run. Trust me.”

NRA Condemns Fingerprinting Firearms, Applauds Recent Slayings

October 16, 2002. Today, the National Rifle Association, or NRA, issued an impassioned response to attempts by federal lawmakers to seek definitive identification methods, or fingerprints, for firearms in light of the recent round of sniper attacks that have left nine dead in the Washington, D.C. area.

“We of the National Rifle Association are vehemently opposed to any technique, mechanism, or method that would make it even the least bit more difficult to purchase, own, or operate a firearm in this great American country of ours,” remarked the association’s spokesman, Mr. I. Hunt Critters. “It’s ridiculous to impose these laws and restrictions on law-abiding Americans, but it’s even more absurd to attempt to rein in criminals who want to own and use guns for illegal purposes. Consider a decent, self-respecting outlaw wanting to get himself a nice semi-automatic. If we don’t sell it to him, then he’ll have to get his firearm illegally. You wouldn’t want him breaking the law, now, would you?

“The NRA has been following the recent capital-area sniper attacks with interest. This guy—or guys—is a real pro. Really knows his stuff. Got himself a nice 223 high-power rifle, perfect for blowing the brains or guts out of unsuspecting plebeians going about their daily routines. The guy is a real sharpshooter, too—clearly able to pick off a pleb at a good 600 yards or so. I don’t mind saying that I for one would like to shake his hand if they ever catch him, which I doubt they will because a guy like that is way too clever for the cops.

“But I digress. The point is that the commie pinko liberal pigs are all whining about gun control because some upstanding, red-blooded American—or terrorist—is exercising his God-given right to purchase the most lethal, deadly firearm American dollars can buy and go out and kill a few dozen of God’s creatures. Who cares if they walk on four legs or two? The point is that we of the NRA applaud this man for exercising his right to engage in whatever target practice he sees fit, and we further applaud his marksmanship.

“We of the NRA know that people are nervous. We understand that they feel like fish in a barrel waiting to be shot. But don’t go crying to your legislators. Don’t wait for someone else to protect you. The NRA encourages you to take action yourself. Get out there and buy yourself a gun. Buy any damned gun. Then, go out there and look for some of God’s creatures you find offensive and blow ‘em away. It’s the only way you’ll feel better, and it’s the American Way.

“God bless America.”