Bush's Mission to Mars
January 9, 2004. In a stunning turn of events that dropped jaws across the nation, George W. Bush announced his desire to send a manned space mission to Earth's neighbor, the “red planet,” Mars.
Speaking to the press, Bush remarked, “This is all part of our plan to impoverish the middle and lower classes through reckless deficit spending. If we can dream it up, then we can extort whatever tax money we need from the peasants to pay for it. The Mars mission also has excellent distraction factor value—America needs a good 'feel good' project to distract it from all its troubles, cares, and woes what I personally inflicted. Yup, it's my sacred duty what I pledged to uphold when they made me POTUS that I will do everything in my power to distract America from the things that matter.”
Richard Perle was also on hand to offer comments: “This administration is all about conquest and hostile take-over—corporate, military, or otherwise. Take no prisoners, bar no holds, and shoot white flags as soon as look at 'em! Between our military and our multi-national corporations, we already own the Earth—we can march in our military whenever we want just to make it official ... basically, we've already won long ago and it's all over but the shouting. It's not enough that we marched in our military to take over Afghanistan and Iraq, what with their inherently evil towelhead populations. It won't be enough to take over Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and the rest of the Middle East next, not to mention our other enemies, like North Korea, France, and maybe Russia and Germany after that. No, we Republicans have set our sights on larger targets—interplanetary targets. And we're certainly won't waste our time with some stupid, prissy, pansy planet like lovey-dovey Venus! Oh, no—we manly-men of the Republican party wouldn't soil our hands or waste our time with that lacy, frilly women's planet! When we go hunting for a new planet to colonize, you can bet your sweet Hummer it'll be a big, red, throbbing planet like Mars! Me, I was hoping there'd be some nice little green Martians to fight, conquer, and enslave, but those stupid NASA-geeks say 'no,' so the President will just hafta settle for turning Mars over to Halliburton, Bectel, and the rest of his corporate cronies so they can mine, exploit, pollute, and otherwise make a buck off the place. It's not just profitable—it's the American way.”
John Ashcroft added, “It's our moral and ethical responsibility as Americans to take over everything in our path. After all, anything and everything that in any way differs from our American definition of saintly perfection is therefore inherently evil and worthless and must be destroyed—we must save it from itself so it can realize a higher good in the export version of our image and likeness. Our mission to Mars is a mission from God.”
Responding to questions about the Mars mission from a Scallion reporter, Laura Bush snipped, “This is my own darned fault. I just never imagined this would happen when I took George to Disneyworld last summer. I can understand it to some extent: it was his first time, and he wanted to go everywhere and see everything and ride everything—usually, at least three times. Boy, was he a mess when I got him back home! First, he wanted to turn the White House into a Haunted House, but I told him no, absolutely not. Then, he wanted to chop down the cherry blossoms—now that he's outlawed honesty in American politics, who needs such an outdated symbol of passe ethics, anyway?—and he wanted to put in a Pirates of the Carribean ride instead. Mercy me, did he throw a tantrum when I put my foot down on that one! And when he wanted to turn the Potomac into a Bear Jamboree log flume—well! Now, with all the pollution he's told all his little corporate crony playmates they can dump in the river, well, I just sat George down and told him he probably didn't want to be riding a log flume anywhere near that icky place. Luckily, that was an easier sell than just having to say “no” again, and I think it stopped him from having another one of his little tantrums. So, when he stomped off in a huff, I didn't really think much of it until this whole Mission to Mars thing came up. Sometimes, I swear, that George will never grow up ...”
Giggling off in the corner, Jenna and Barbara quipped, “Geez, why is everybody making such a big fuss over Dad getting a trip home at taxpayer expense?”
