Bush Presides Over Official Renaming of White House
October 11, 2003. George W. Bush grinned and waved as he presided over the official ceremony to rename the White House. Today's celebration honors Republicans' long history of spreading smear campaigns of lies against Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and other threatening non-Republican figures. It honors the administration's treasonous public naming of CIA operative Valerie Plame in retaliation for husband Joseph Wilson's public debunking of the administration's claims that Saddam Hussein tried to buy uranium from Niger. It celebrates the administration's determination to believe exactly what it wants and act as recklessly as it chooses—whether it's the threat Iraq posed to the U.S., the resistance the U.S. could expect from ordinary Iraqis, or public opinion about the administration and its war at home and abroad—it celebrates the administration's determination never to poke its nose from out its own carefully crafted happy-land bubble, despite the redundancy of obvious facts advising otherwise. But, mostly, today's festivities acclaim the Republican party's rise to a new level of hypocrisy and selective, convenient, creative reality: one in which Bill Clinton's consensual sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky make him unfit for the Presidency while Arnold Schwarzenegger's history of forcible sexual predation on over a dozen non-consenting women in no way deprecates his infinite eligibility to govern California and possibly the nation.
“Well,” drawled Bush sleepily as he fiddled with a plastic toy soldier, “we Republicans always tell the truth about some things. We ain't gonna mince words when it comes to us wanting to privatize public services and take them away from the greedy, undeserving poor. We don't usually deny that we don't care much for women, Blacks, and minorities—except that we try to relate to them just long enough to get their vote. And we really don't try to hide the fact that we pander hand over fist to our favorite corporations and their special interests and their pet causes of screwing the American people out of fair salaries, public lands, tax money, and what-not. And who can blame us, when Americans are so stupid that 19% of them think they're in the richest top 1% and therefore these things don't affect them [1]? So, with the complicity and encouragement of American's handful of media corporations [4], we try to establish a reputation for telling the truth—at least about some o' these things.”
Bush paused to snap the limbs off the toy trooper. He resumed, “We feel that this reputation for truth telling makes us more credible when we tell all our lies, like Bill Clinton trashed the White House on his way out, like the piece of trailer trash filth that he is [1]. Or that Al Gore claimed to have invented the Internet when all he really claimed or did was to long-sightedly champion its funding [1]. Or that my tax cuts for the rich go almost exclusively to the poor or that repealing estate taxes helps out more than just the super-rich or that the poor have it made in the shade because they don't pay any taxes at all [1]. And we certainly have implied through the years that we Republicans are above reproach when it comes to morality and chastity and extramarital sex, despite Newtie Gingrich's sexual galavants or Billy Gambler-Boy Bennett's gaming excesses or Ahnold Tittie-Grabber Schwarzenegger's sexual abuses or Little-Blue-Pill Rush Limbaugh's painkiller addiction ... not to mention my own if-it-moves-boink-it premarital attitude toward sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll [2]. So, because we don't hide some of the screw-the-American-public things we're doing, we feel that the stupider-than-me American public won't question us when we outright lie. And, so far, it seems to be working,” Bush said, breaking the pieces from the broken toy soldier into successively smaller pieces.
“But enough about me. Y'all aren't here to cheer me for becoming President despite having been arrested for DUIs and snorting coke and what-have-you and hiding it from the public like they'd care anyway [2]. Y'all are here to help me ring in a new era of pretended Republican honesty. Y'see, now that we have welcomed acknowledged sexual predator, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, in our ranks, we hafta take that next step to convince the American sheeple that we're still shooting from the hip. Far be it from us to tell them that the real reason he's in Sacramento is to protect poor defenseless Enron and them from coughing up $9B what they stole from the greedy California taxpayers [3]. Nope, our job is to convince the American public is that, unless we're talking Bill Clinton, a man's sexual habits have nothing to do with his fitness to run for or hold office. We hafta make sure that people understand that Bill Clinton's dalliances with that plump-but-consenting Jewess Monica Lewinsky is absolutely no more forgivable than Ahnold's pulling non-consenting women's breasts out of their blouses in public or grabbing those firm, round breasts and buttocks in public or reaching up non-consenting women's skirts and fondling their private bits in public or grabbing and throwing non-consenting women around in public or having orgies with them in his big bodybuilding days or otherwise treating them like the chattel they are [5]. While everything Ahnold has ever done in his life is forgivable, we Republicans vow never to forgive anything Bill Clinton has ever done, especially being born. In fact, we're so in love with Ahnold that we Republicans are now in the process of changing the Constitution—by which I mean the parts we haven't already cut up for toilet paper—so that Ahnold can run for President after Jeb, Neil, and George P. have had their runs [6, 7].
“So that brings us to today's festivities. We are here today to acknowledge new heights of Republican dishonesty, deceit, hypocrisy, mud-slinging and all that other things that make America great. And, as usual, we will do so by waving our hands in an empty show of parade rather than do anything substantial that might actually improve anything for average Americans. Which brings me to what we're here today to do, and that's renaming the White House. We had a lot of long debates—I favored gray, but Boy-Genius-Turd-Blossom Rover-Boy won out. So, folks, say hello and welcome to the newly-renamed hub of leadership in the free world: The Brown House. Say, ain't there a children's story about an ow, now, brown, house ...?”
At that point, Laura plucked her husband's suit sleeve and politely but forcibly jerked him away from the microphone, ending Bush's speech. The brown ribbon was then cut as the attendees applauded and cheered.
[1] “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: a Fair and Balanced Look at the Right” by Al Franken
[2] “Fortunate Son and the Making of an American President” by James Hatfield
[3] http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/10/06/160254&mode=thread&tid=30
[4] According to Project Censored (www.projectcensored.org), “less then ten major media corporations dominate U.S. news and information systems” (http://www.projectcensored.org/resources/p_complete.html)—one of the less fortunate legacies of Bill Clinton's media deregulation. A spokesperson recently quoted the number of corporations now controlling American corporate media as six.
[5] Go to www.democracynow.org and type “schwarzenegger” in the search box. There are plenty of articles attesting to the man's practices—even recently—of sexual abuse.
[6] See http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/10/08/1541211&mode=thread&tid=25 for the story on Utah Republican Senator Orrin Hatch's desire to push for a Constitutional amendment that would overturn the Constitution's current restriction that only U.S.-born citizens can become President.
[7] See http://www.cnn.com/2000/ALLPOLITICS/stories/08/03/bush.young/ for an introduction to P, W's nephew who appears poised to head into a life of politics.
