War on Iraq Solves Everything
April 28, 2003. Experts across the country agree that the United States’ recent invasion of and war on Iraq “solves everything.”
Speaking with the press today was Fred “Freakin’” Dumkopf of the New Republican Think Tank, a for-as-much-borderline-illegal-profit-as-humanly-or-inhumanly-possible enterprise slated with managing and growing the Bush family’s most darling project, “Money for the Wealthy,” which boasts the touchingly popular neocon rallying-cry mottos: “Give ‘til it hurts, or we’ll hurt you ‘til you give” and “Fork over all your money, you evil God-forsaken poverty-stricken deadbeat lowlife scum … then, perhaps, in our magnanimous graciousness, we might suffer you to live as long as you still continue to serve our avaricious purposes without your ungrateful whining.”
“Well, first of all, we must give credit where credit is due to America’s best-ever President. When the country overwhelmingly voted George Walker Bush into office fairly and squarely in the 2000 elections against his feeble, evilly corrupt Democratic opponent, whose name escapes me—but I think it rhymed with ‘bore’—America embraced a new era. Yes, a new era of inseparably intertwined church and state; ravaged natural resources; lost jobs for the working classes; lost benefits for America’s poorest citizens; monetary rape of the nation’s undeserving elderly and veterans; disenfranchisement for Blacks, who everybody knows are too stupid to vote properly—Republican—anyway; elimination of many civil liberties where the Constitution was just plain wrong; enforced conformity in thought, word, mind, and deed in lockstep with the President or suffer dire consequences; and a host of other wonderful, enlightened programs designed to enrich society’s wealthiest 1%. Who says the President isn’t a compassionate bleeding-heart liberal? If this administration’s policies aren’t tantamount to redistribution of wealth, then I don’t know what is. But I digress. The point is that America’s greatest President has single-handedly put an end to the divisive peace and ruinous prosperity that were corrupting, degrading, and destroying this great nation of ours as it mourned and languished under the iron fist of that highly educated, intelligent, and seductively personable Great Satan, Bill Clinton. We must never forget that this evil, depraved little tall good-looking man lied to the American people about blow jobs and things of little consequence to the welfare of our great republic. It serves him right that he lacked the saintly, self-righteous Republican classiness to come clean about his personal vices and, instead, lie to the American people about substantial matters of grave importance regarding the nation’s welfare, security, and, indeed, future existence—as his successor has so brilliantly and repeatedly done and will continue to do.
“So, already, the Patron Saint of Crawford, the Savior, Son of Poppy, has rescued the country from the good times that plagued it. He has saved the wretched masses from having the money, education, and freedoms to live in reasonable comfort, too closely approximating the privileged lives of America’s wealthiest. Solely for America’s benefit, he has tenderly, lovingly squandered the nation’s cash reserves—a legacy from the boom economy of the Clinton years—which could have been used to pay off the national debt or bail out Social Security. He has repeatedly cut taxes on America’s wealthiest and has vowed not to stop until the middle class is eradicated, thus gifting the nation with the only two necessary and correct classes: the obscenely rich and those who serve them. He has capitalized on the nation’s current single-party political system by bullying what was left of the Democratic Party into deliciously complete, abject, do-nothing, say-nothing submission. He has perfected corporate conglomeration and monopolization under deregulation, thus squashing the bete noir of free and fair competition at home and abroad. In his foresight and wisdom, he has marshaled the nation into a glorious new epoch of riotously deep deficit spending unrivalled even by Saint Ronald “the Gipper” Reagan. And, now, the President has solved all the rest of America’s problems with his first titillating little war-war.
“No longer will America be besieged with foreign allies. No longer will our great nation be beset by the support of friendly, indulgent governments around the world. To prove his heroism, our most perfect President has garnered the ill-will and protests of millions at home and abroad, flippantly dismissing them as a “focus group.” No longer will Americans have to suffer from safety and security at home and abroad. Yes, all Americans can now enjoy being targets of spitting, epithets, and terrorism wherever they dare go—and this used to be a rare, heady privilege reserved only for Bush administration and other Republican politicians. In this brave new era of American bullying and chip-on-shoulder militarism, our nation’s most colossally fine leader has rescued the government from even the last vestiges of accountability to anyone at home or abroad.
“More importantly, the war on Iraq has truly solved the problem of Arab and worldwide anti-Americanism at its fundamental root causes. Virtually overnight, with one sweep of its mighty arm, America has eliminated the decades of deep-rooted Arab hatred of America caused by decades of American meddling and interference in Middle Eastern affairs, coupled with unconditional support of Israel, by establishing an unflinchingly liberal, goodwill environment of hatred and fear. Why bother to address these camel-riding sand monkeys’ needs for social equality, empowerment, and modernization when it’s so much more fun to bully and bomb them into loving us and calling us “uncle”? I mean, the Bush administration and its supporters don’t even remotely support democracy, equality, or empowerment at home, so why for gosh sakes pretend to do so abroad?
“First, we invaded and bombed Afghanistan into near oblivion without any regard for the Geneva Convention or international opinion or law: civilians are still suffering over there, and less power to them. This is exactly the bomb-‘em-and-leave-‘em precedent we crucially needed to establish prior to invading Iraq. Nevermind that al Qaeda is mostly Saudi. Nevermind that we still haven’t found our best friend and ally, Osama bin Laden, to execute him for playing into our hands by providing a ready excuse for the invasion of Iraq—an invasion that the Project for a New America planned long before the Great George Bush’s shining presidency was much more than a twinkle in our eyes. Of course, we must continue to hunt down bin Laden—not only is it great fun and great sport, but we also must eventually silence him and prevent him from reaching the vast, stupidly gullible American public with the truth behind the whole affair and his fictitious-at-best alliance with our other great friend and ally, Saddam Hussein.
“And, confidentially, just in case anyone was wondering, we could easily have removed Saddam from power by financing, arming, and staging a coup, just like we used to do in the good old CIA cloak-and-dagger days of St. Gipper, if regime change had been our only objective. But everybody knows that regime change wouldn’t have been enough to guarantee American direction of the production and sale of Iraqi oil, the dismantling of OPEC, the establishment of a U.S. and Israel-friendly puppet government in Iraq, and so on. Only an invasion could do all that. And it certainly had nothing to do with liberating anyone from anything—after all, our government finances, trains, and arms dictators and despots in all the fine arts of political oppression, cruelty, and torture. Only we call it ‘Western Studies’ these days. But I digress. The point is that, by smashing Iraq like a bug, we have succeeded in frightening the fudge out of Syria, North Korea, Egypt, Iran, and any other takers who wanted a piece of us—those commies and towelheads are all sucking up to us as fast as they can—eight ways from Sunday!—because they don’t know whose sorry ass we’ll bomb next! Of course, they’ll find out when the first bombs come whistling overhead. They can’t beat us unless they all band together to gang up on us, and they know it. And, slowly but surely, we’ll go after each of them in turn, declaring each guilty of harboring Osama or Saddam and calling each a ‘grave threat to America’s security, nay, existence.’ This is how we’ll continue to terrify the American people into unquestioning acceptance of our long overdue foreign policy of invade-and-bomb diplomacy. But, perhaps, that’s more than I should have said publicly … you won’t print that last part, will you? Gracious, I sure hope not!
“But let me get back to the point. Now that the war on Iraq has ably solved America’s last remaining problems, we as a nation have finally risen from our dark age of freedom and plenty into a new enlightened age, striving to isolate the superior American island from petty consorting with lesser, foreign savages. Under the aegis of the fundamentalist Christian right that holds all Americans in thrall, we continue to strive to divest the vulgar, common public of an undeserved largess of wealth, rights, freedoms, equalities, and privileges established by our founding forefathers. As we succeed in the great enterprise of prostituting the nation’s wealth and resources for the vainglorious gratification of the richest minority of Americans, let us hope that, some day soon, we follow up on bounteous goodness and rightness conferred through Election 2000 by, in 2004, electing George W. Bush, consummate President and amazingly superior human being, to the position of rightful Emperor and Grand Poohbah of the United States of America. Wouldn’t that be a great day for America!”
