The Scallion

Disclaimer: this online political & social satire webzine is not suitable for the decerebrate (translation: our illustrious bonehead, his benighted administration, neo-ultraconservative Republicans, rabid Catholics, sheep, or their sympathizers) or for readers under age 18. As satirists, we take no responsibility if what we say is dangerously close to the truth. If you're under 18, stop reading this NOW & go turn yourself in to your Mommy for a well-deserved spanking, you no-good little whelp.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Although we of The Scallion are still officially on hiatus, we apparently still feel compelled to continue throwing in our two cents!

Before we get down to business, here’s our notable quotable for the day:

“History is a litany of injustice; no one denies it. But when has a simple solution been anything but evil? Only in complexity do we find answers. Through complexity, men struggle towards fairness; it is slow and clumsy, but it's the only way. Simplicity demands too great a sacrifice. It always has.” – spoken by Lestat in “The Queen of the Damned,” written by Anne Rice

And now … on with the news. We hope you’re sitting down …

From the “truth is stranger than fiction” department: yes, Virginia, the FDA really did appoint a veterinarian to head the Office of Women’s Health. Dr. Norris Alderson was chosen to replace Dr. Susan Wood, a key highly qualified and respected women's health expert. She resigned on 31 August 2005 to protest the FDA's handling of the application to make Plan B emergency contraception (EC -- not to be confused with RU-486) available over the counter. The good news is that FDA Commissioner Lester M. Crawford rethought that decision shortly afterward … but our Readers won’t believe who’s got the job now! Keep reading if you have the stomach for it …

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/
2005/09/19/AR2005091901576.html
(reproduced here without permission; please use the URL and keep WaPo’s hit counter incrementing)

FDA Rethinks Women's Chief
Toigo Is Acting Head; Agency Denies Naming Veterinary Official

By Marc Kaufman
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, September 20, 2005; Page A21

One week ago, the Office of Women's Health of the Food and Drug Administration sent an e-mail notice to women's groups and others announcing the appointment of Norris Alderson as its new acting director.

An FDA veteran trained in animal husbandry who spent much of his career in the agency's Center for Veterinary Medicine, Alderson quickly became the subject of active and largely negative comment on the Internet and elsewhere.

The Office of Women's Health serves as a liaison with women's health groups and as an advocate on women's issues; critics said that a man with a primarily veterinary background could not properly fill the role.

The last director, Susan Wood, resigned last month to protest the agency's unwillingness to make a decision on whether to make emergency contraception more easily available.

Three days after the Alderson announcement, the FDA main press office sent out a very different announcement. It said that 20-year FDA veteran Theresa A. Toigo would be the new acting director of the women's health office, and that she would be a champion for women's health inside and outside the agency. Alderson -- and the statement announcing his appointment -- was never mentioned.

Asked yesterday who exactly was running the office, FDA spokeswoman Suzanne Trevino said that Alderson had never been appointed acting director. She said that Toigo would take over from the departed Wood, and that her office knew nothing about the statement regarding Alderson, who is the agency's associate commissioner for science.

"There was no official decision made until we announced Theresa Toigo's appointment on Friday," Trevino said.

The seeming mystery thickened when several women's groups said that not only did they receive e-mails announcing Alderson's appointment, but also that he was also listed on a Health and Human Services directory last week as the acting director of the office. In addition, people who have spoken with women's health office staff said that Alderson was introduced to the staff last week as the new acting director, and that he even had some one-on-one discussions with staff members about future plans.

Sen. Barbara A. Mikulski (D-Md.), a longtime advocate for the FDA's women's health office, said she already had been concerned by Wood's resignation. "I was further concerned to learn last week that Dr. Norris E. Alderson, someone without women's health experience who has spent the majority of his career at the Center for Veterinary Medicine, was appointed acting director of this important office," she said in a statement yesterday.

Toigo has led the FDA's Office of Special Health Issues, which works with patient advocates on issues such as AIDS and cancer. The FDA announcement of her appointment also says that she has worked with the women's health office on agency initiatives related to the inclusion of women and minorities in clinical trials.

Former director Wood called Toigo a good choice. "She's a very capable and dedicated person who will do an excellent job," Wood said.

But many women's health groups remain unhappy with the FDA and what they consider to be the agency's questionable leadership.

"Once again, this episode shows the agency's complete tone-deafness," said Kirsten Moore, director of the Reproductive Health Technologies Project. "It underscores our concern about the degree of competence at the leadership level, and about political appointees who just don't know much" about the issues before the agency.

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Now that you have the timeline, here’s Alderson’s bio (available on the web):

Norris Alderson, Associate Commissioner for Science, FDA
Norris Alderson received a B.S. in Animal Husbandry from the University of Tennessee and a M.S. and Ph.D. from the University of Kentucky. He joined the FDA in 1971 as a reviewer in the Bureau of Veterinary Medicine (BVM). Beginning in 1980, he held a number of management positions in the BVM research organization culminating in the position of Director, Office of Research, Center for Veterinary Medicine, a position he held from 1988 to 2001. In July 2001, he became Acting Senior Advisor for Science, FDA, and Acting Director, Office of Science Coordination and Communication, responsible for the Office of Good Clinical Practice, the Counter Terrorism Staff, and the Science Coordination and Communication Staff. In May 2002, he was appointed Senior Associate Commissioner for Science, FDA and Director, Office of Science and Health Coordination. In November 2002, the position title was changed to Associate Commissioner for Science. In this position, his responsibilities include the Office of Orphan Products Development, the Office of Women's Health, the Office of Good Clinical Practice, the Science Coordination Staff, and standards coordination. Dr. Alderson retired from the U.S. Army Reserve in 1997 with the rank of Colonel.

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To summarize, a man whose formal education focused on Animal Husbandry and who spent 30 of his 34 years of his career (~90%) working on non-human animals was made the nation’s top official on human women's health.

But wait -- that’s not all!

As of 16 September 2005, the FDA released a notice presenting Theresa A. Toigo as the Acting Director of the FDA Office of Women’s Health, but Alderson was still posted in the position earlier this week. Ms. Toigo’s credentials? She received a BS in Pharmacy and an MBA from Rutgers University.

Get it? She’s not a medical doctor, either! Heck, she’s not even an animal doctor. Hmm, ya think maybe she's a voodoo doctor? That would certainly be a nice corollary with Bush's voodoo science and voodoo economics.

In other words, the Bush administration and its minions and cronies just don’t think America’s women deserve to have a qualified individual in charge of the Office of Women’s Health. And yet this agency impacts millions of women’s and children’s lives by making critical decisions about prescriptions, treatment protocols, and other issues vital to the health of at least half of the nation’s population.

Friends and neighbors, we of The Scallion aren’t making this stuff up. Sadly, it would have been much funnier if we had.

From the “Blame Clinton for every failure but be sure to use his plans and policies if you want to succeed” department, here’s a twisted tale from the American Progress Report.

http://www.americanprogress.org/site/c.biJRJ8OVF/b.8473/

THE ART OF THE DEAL
For five years, the Bush administration has shaped its North Korea policy around the erroneous notion that a policy of "no sticks, no carrots" can effectively persuade a nuclear power to disarm. That approach seems finally to have been set aside. Earlier this week, North Korea agreed in principle "to dismantle its nuclear weapons program, return to the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty, abide by the treaty's safeguards and admit international inspectors." In return, the United States again pledged to respect North Korean sovereignty, and to work toward normalizing relations between the two states. The agreement is not certain to hold, and many critical details were left unresolved. Yet the progress that has been made is a direct result of the Bush administration abandoning a strategy that failed to engage the many and varied powers of the United States - military, economic, political, cultural, and diplomatic, among others - thereby weaking America's hand. Success came, in other words, when the administration adopted the stronger, progressive doctrine of "integrated power." It was a much needed reality check.

THE BUSH SUCCESS -- JUST LIKE CLINTON'S DEAL, ONLY FIVE YEARS LATER: Though the new agreement is to be celebrated, it's important to note that the "main elements of the deal are essentially the same as the agreement nearly concluded at the end of the second Clinton term, and gift wrapped for the first Bush administration." For instance, the basic concept of the Clinton administration deal was "more-for-more": as North Korea made specific steps to eliminate its nuclear weapons programs, the United States and others would provide specific types of assurances and aid. Up until this point, the Bush position "was that the North Koreans had to completely dismantle their program before there would be any discussion of aid and assistance." But the statement announced this week describes the process for going forward as one of "commitment for commitment, action for action."

I'M TRYING TO CONTAIN NORTH KOREA, BUT DON'T TELL THE PRESIDENT: Why is the White House agreeing to this principle only now? Because President Bush and his top advisers spent the last five years denigrating President Clinton's deal, "and dissing Colin Powell and his deputy, Richard Armitage, who favored it." Indeed, the shift in strategy may have been possible only because it was apparently concealed from President Bush. Over the last several months, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice "slowly and incrementally changed [the administration's] policy, all the while denying there was any change in policy," Joseph Cirincione of the Carnegie Endowment noted in an interview. "She therefore kept the confidence of the president while morphing the policy from one of confrontational posturing into actual negotiations with the North Koreans."

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Is that enough for you? But wait, there’s still more: the gall of these people is unrelenting … it is simply not to be believed. Heck, the Bushies (e.g., ex-Representative Bob Livingston) are even blaming their reckless, headlong, spendthrift deficit on Clinton!

http://thinkprogress.org/2005/09/19/clintons-fault/

We of The Scallion are speechless.

What is it going to take for us to start a revolution? It will take nothing less to get our country back on course. Remember, Bush is NOT president! He failed to win either the 2000 or the 2004 Presidential election; both times, the job was bought for him by rich friends and family members. Unless we rise up and, as Harry Belafonte says, throw our bodies on the cogs of the machine, we are due for more of the same in 2006 and 2008 …

Fitrakis and Wasserman | How the GOP Stole America's 2004 Election and Is Rigging 2008

According to Bob Fitrakis and Harvey Wasserman, the stolen elections of 2000, 2002, and 2004 are nowhere to be found in the milquetoast Carter-Baker Report now passing for wisdom on America's broken electoral system. And, unless the public is ready to face the reality that we no longer live in a nation with credible elections, the 2008 balloting is all but over.

http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/092005G.shtml

From the mailbag …

One Scallion Reader is so frustrated with the chimposter that sending the following e-mail seemed like a good way to blow off steam. Dare we suspect that the prayers and good wishes are more than a little bit tongue in cheek …?

To: comments@whitehouse.gov
Subject: I pray for you

Mr. Bush:

How does it feel to be the Worst "President" Ever?

How does it feel to be the Worst World Leader Ever?

How does it feel to know that more people alive today personally hate you than any other individual who has ever existed?

How does it feel to know that you and you alone are the single greatest threat to American security, American democracy, and world peace?

How does it feel to be the single greatest threat to the continued existence of planet Earth?

How does it feel to know that you never won a Presidential election? Does it make you feel incompetent to know that the job was bought for you rather than earned by you?

How does it feel to know that either your Daddy or some other rich family member or friend has bought you every opportunity you ever had? Does it hurt to know that you have failed miserably at each and every venture you ever tried?

How does it feel to be a worthless, mindless shill to people with more money and brains than you? Does it make you feel second-best to know that it's really your Daddy's name, money, and reputation they are trading on?

How does it feel to know that the majority of Americans and, indeed, the vast majority of the world's people think you are evil, greedy, and stupid?

How does it feel to know that you are the world's greatest hypocrite?

How does it feel to know that, all around the world, people of average intelligence laugh you to scorn for your relentless idiocy?

How does it feel to know that you have killed more people than Saddam Hussein -- not just in Iraq, but in America too? Does it make you feel like a Big Man? Does it make you a Better man than your Daddy?

How does it feel to be the World's Biggest Liar?

How does it feel to come from a family so elite and pampered that newspapers printed how your father had never seen a grocery store checkout line before his Presidency, and how your mother thinks that the people being warehoused in the Astrodome after hurricane Katrina are comparatively living in the lap of luxury?

How does it feel to know that, while you are bending over backwards pretending that global warming does not exist, you are contributing to the demise of the planet?

How does it feel to know that your policies are evil and that they kill people?

How does it feel to be so recklessly irresponsible that it doesn't matter how many people die just as long as you and your cronies make a buck at their expense?

How does it feel to know that, during your junta's stint in the White House, you have broken more of the Ten Commandments than you have ever kept?

How does it feel to mouth the name of "Christ" while denouncing his ways to practice Satan's own teachings?

How does it feel to be a complete fraud?

How does it feel to live in a bubble, pretending that none of this is true?


Can you see the faces of all the people you have killed? The men, cut down in their strength and prime? The women, with families to take care of? The innocent children with big, wondering eyes? The harmless elderly? Do you dream about these people at night? Do their pained expressions and their screams begging for your mercy haunt your nights?

I pray for you, Mr. Bush. I am truly sorry that you are so sick. While I am angry beyond words at all the wanton, needless destruction you have wreaked on my beloved America and the world, I feel nothing but the deepest sympathy for you. I can only imagine how it feels to be you: an ill-prepared, willfully uneducated, booze-guzzling, cocaine-sniffing party-boy who never had to take responsibility for anything in his life (including making women pregnant before he was married) suddenly thrust into positions of power. I can only imagine how it feels to be a dry drunk like you, barely in control of himself, walking the razor's edge, swearing and screaming like a little Hitler at anyone and anything that crosses him, trying desperately to placate his longing for one little drink with prescription anti-depressants. I can only imagine how it feels to be a common bully inebriated with uncommon power.

What I can't imagine is why anyone would deliberately take such power only to destroy that which is good in our nation and our planet. Even as a Christian, I cannot forgive you for that.

Please, Mr. Bush, get yourself some real help. Do whatever it takes to complete your recovery from addiction to alcohol and drugs. Get some psychological counseling. Learn to deal with your anger. Learn to see the good in yourself so that you can see the good in other people. Learn to love yourself and forgive yourself so that you can love and forgive others. Learn to accept people who are different from you -- like Blacks, Latinos, women, and the poor -- without judging them as if anyone who is different from you must be evil. Learn how to live a joyful and loving life.

Believe me, you are worth it.

I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for your success in this venture.

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And here’s a gem in response to the following article in AlterNet:

One Nation Under Wal-Mart
http://www.alternet.org/story/25375

Scallion Reader S.E. remarked, “Maybe instead of States, we should have Corporations with each person pledging his/her allegiance to the respective corporations -- or maybe we should just worship each corporation as a deity. Do we really need gods when we have these huge soulless entities who have Godlike powers over our leaders and pretty much everyone else? It would give a new meaning to love, devotion, and surrender.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Of course, here are some alternative Pledges of Allegiance …

http://www.freespeech.com/archives/000811.html
http://www.nonukesnorth.net/MockCoronation.shtml