Unamerica to Secede from America

February 28, 2003. In a desperate move to divorce themselves from the current administration and its supporters, a sizeable proportion of citizens who were once proud to call themselves “Americans” have chosen to secede from the old republic. Zoe Owens, the official spokeswoman of the new republic, offered her remarks on the stunning new development.

“It is a sad day when Americans no longer trust their votes to be counted fairly. It is a sad day when America no longer supports the precepts of democracy and fair play upon which it was founded. It is a sad day when so many Americans intimidate and threaten their own countrymen simply for having different opinions and beliefs from their own.

“Yet, out of this despair, we who choose to fight for freedom, justice, and what used to be the American way have founded a new republic—a ray of hope in these dark times. Because everything this new nation stands for is anathema to America, its parent nation, we have chosen to call our new nation ‘Unamerica.’

“But what is Unamerica? Simply put, Unamerica will be the nation of those of us who see what America has become and choose independence; it will be the nation that America’s founding fathers truly intended. Suppose you oppose Bush’s war on Iraq. According to many Americans, this makes you Unamerican. If you strive to publicize your opposition to the war, then these same Americans will not only label you as Unamerican but also as a traitor against America. Similarly, if you voice any opinions against Bush, you will be described as Unamerican. Maybe you think Bill Clinton was not Satan incarnate; maybe you think he was an intelligent, articulate president who strove to bring the world together and did a pretty good job in office. Perhaps you disagreed with some of his actions but respected him and rejoiced in the rights and protections he secured—until the current administration—for the average American. If so, then, face it, you’re Unamerican. If you think a woman should have the right to choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy, then you’re definitely Unamerican. Even if you hate SUVs, you’re Unamerican. If you favor fair treatment of women, the poor, and minorities over pandering to the rich and powerful, then you couldn’t be more Unamerican. In short, Unamerica is a nation for anyone who believes in fair play and who chooses to think for him or herself—anyone who refuses to be a sheep.

“How many people will live in Unamerica? Well, the census is still in progress; however, it is estimated that roughly 50% of those currently living in America already qualify as Unamerican. And the numbers are growing every day. For example, whenever someone violates the ‘don’t think-don’t talk’ rule and is declared ‘Unamerican’ and shown the door, we offer the opportunity to emigrate here. We make huge prospective population gains this way every day.

“There are several practical issues with starting a new nation, especially in a case like this where the two diametrically opposed populations of America and Unamerica coexist side by side and are not separated by any clear territorial lines. One of the easiest issues was choosing a flag. Since the French stand for the same ideals we stand for, we originally considered adapting the French flag with the emblem ‘Unamerica’; however, we ultimately chose to use what is essentially a negative of the American flag. This means that the white stars and stripes are now black; the red stripes are now green; and the blue field is now yellow. Since so many Unamericans are pro-environment, having green as a national color is rather fortunate.

“Another practical issue is territory. Since the two populations of America and Unamerica are so thoroughly superimposed, it really is impossible to separate the two physically. So, at least for now, within the territorial bounds of America, Unamerica will be wherever we hold property. That means that each of us potentially is a nation unto him or herself—Americans may find themselves surrounded by Unamericans or vice versa. As Unamerica evolves, we may find it necessary to establish a larger collective territory separate from America—a delicate prospect, given the saber-rattling social and political imperialism in America these days. So many Americans claim to want us out—they would annihilate us and our ideals if they could. It is truly shocking how many Americans would like to see so many who should rightfully be their own countrymen just go up in a puff of smoke. So, sadly, it may ultimately take a war to establish our new republic’s borders.

“We do foresee some issues with respect to a national language. Unlike our American cousins across the street, we of Unamerica have chosen to adopt Unamerican—a standardized version of American English—as our national language. We will use this language in all our business dealings and teach it in all our schools. While we acknowledge that a language is a living thing and must remain flexible, we intend to exercise great care in updating and maintaining the standard to ensure that all changes actually make sense and are not the product of hive-think. In other words, unlike America, Unamerica will not arbitrarily declare that which is wrong suddenly to be right just because some majority of people is consistently either lazy or incorrect. Because of our desire to preserve the language of our parent nation’s heritage as our own heritage, we do foresee communication difficulties as Unamerica conserves its national language and America recklessly vandalizes one of its more popular languages. Of course, Unamerica will support any number of second languages, just as long as people abide by the new national language standard.

“Speaking of standards, Unamerica will prefer the metric system but allow the English system to encourage trade and free exchange with America. Government and business will standardize on Linux and other open source software; use of Microsoft products will be subject to a duty tax to further the open source movement. Similarly, Unamerica will use duty taxes to discourage doing business with monopolies or any organizations that seek to become monopolies. Especially heavy duties will be levied on products of the entertainment industry to promote developments to thwart the MPAA, RIAA, and similar anti-consumer organizations. Products like gasoline, tobacco, meat, and junk food will also be subject to duty taxes at point of sale to fund the development of safer alternatives. So, in short, we will impose sales taxes and duties on products whose producers are anti-consumer in order to protect our consumers down the road. We have compared building standards around the world and will standardize on the most stringent applicable to each subclimate in the nation, and we will institute a duty tax on building practices which do not employ environmentally-friendly and/or recycled materials. Similarly, we plan to offer tax incentives to those who use public transportation and/or environmentally-friendly cars.

“But there are other interesting issues surrounding currency and taxation. While we initially debated using the American dollar as our only currency, we overwhelmingly decided to adopt a dual currency system with Unamerican money that is practical and attractive. Unamerican coins will comprise, in size order, five, ten, twenty five, fifty, and one hundred cent pieces. Bills will start at five dollars; each denomination will be a centimeter longer than its successor; the denominations will be different colors; and the engravings will represent Unamerican ideals of liberty and fairness interwoven with themes from nature. Once we are fully established, we intend to collect a simple flat income tax with no loopholes to favor one subpopulation over another. The tax will be proportional to income, and proportional deductions will be allowed for charitable donations to encourage our citizens to help the less fortunate. We intend to negotiate with our American counterparts regarding using this tax money to pay for any public services that fall outside our purview, for example, maintenance of some roads.

“In our brave new nation, there will be no room for hyphenated-Unamericans. All Unamericans are created equal regardless of income, physical appearance, or beliefs. As Lady Liberty once did, we will welcome all those who seek the freedom to think for themselves, determine the courses of their own lives, vote accordingly, and be heard fairly. Founding a new nation within a nation will be a complicated, difficult task in this political environment, where citizens are prized solely for what’s in their wallets, but, given the potential rewards, we can’t conceive of a more important project. If you are weary of arrogance, hegemony, and totalitarianism in a fundamentalist Christian plutocracy—if you like your church thoroughly divorced from your state—or if you want to embrace the world rather than condemn and hide from it, then come to Unamerica, where our motto is ‘Liberty, Equality, and Democracy.’”