The Scallion

Disclaimer: this online political & social satire webzine is not suitable for the decerebrate (translation: our illustrious bonehead, his benighted administration, neo-ultraconservative Republicans, rabid Catholics, sheep, or their sympathizers) or for readers under age 18. As satirists, we take no responsibility if what we say is dangerously close to the truth. If you're under 18, stop reading this NOW & go turn yourself in to your Mommy for a well-deserved spanking, you no-good little whelp.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

So much outrage … so little time!

Yes, we’re back again with more news and abuse from the thief in chief and his corporate cronies. We don’t want to be back -- we have to be. We’d rather be finishing our hiatus project so that we can return on our usual Tuesday schedule. Unfortunately, we are here today as a last resort against the frustration. So much that is just plain WRONG is being done in our names and using our money. So, we are here in a feeble attempt to preserve our own sanity. With that, we bring you news, links, and political letters from our staffers as they seek to speak truth to power.

Writing letters and signing petitions may not seem like much, but each of us is obligated to do at least as much lest the powers that be mistakenly think we APPROVE of their graft, theft, treason, and other wrongdoings.

Please do whatever you can, and be sure to do at least one thing to save our democracy every day!

-----
Is your state paying the WalMart tax? Click here to find out!

(The link leads to http://www.aflcio.org/corporatewatch/walmart/upload/
walmartreport_031406.pdf)

-----
How many SUVs and luxury cars are YOUR Senators and Representatives leasing at your expense? Click here to find out!

(The link leads to http://www.realcities.com/mld/krwashington/news/
nation/14078416.htm?source=rss&channel=krwashington_nation)

-----
Banning abortion? Time to start castrating the men!

As every fair-minded American knows by now, South Dakota's governor, Mike Rounds, recently banned abortion in the state without regard to the woman’s health or cases of rape or incest. According to the South Dakota affiliate of Planned Parenthood, while this Legislature labored intensely to study the abortion prohibition issue and pass restrictive legislation, they let legislation that could have helped men and women PREVENT unwanted pregnancies dwindle and die in committee. These bills included a requirement that hospitals inform women that emergency contraception is available, a requirement that insurance companies cover contraceptive drugs if they cover other prescription drugs, and a requirement for school districts to offer sex education.

You can contact Mr. Rounds at

http://www.state.sd.us/governor/

... which is exactly what one irate Scallion staffer did.

Since he has denied South Dakota’s women access to reproductive choice and contraception, we of The Scallion would like to know when Mr. Rounds plans to start castrating South Dakotan men. That's only fair unless Mr. Rounds intends to drown the state in unwanted babies that the taxpayers will then have to support.

Or perhaps he plans to let the children and their mothers starve.

Now, there’s compassionate conservatism for you.

-----
Common Ground helps Katrina victims!

Scallion Reader and fellow blogger Dot Calm wanted to do more to help those displaced by hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

She tracked down Common Ground’s website …

http://www.commongroundrelief.org/

… and found a phone number to call. This month, she found, they need toothbrushes and toothpaste. She sent them a box along with a postcard so they can tell her what they need next month.

Here is the name and address she used:

Jason Lanzillo, Coordinator
Common Grounds Volunteers
1415 Franklin Avenue
New Orleans, LA 70117

Mr. Lanzillo is a student who will be going back to school soon, but he said we can use his name for now.

While we of The Scallion don’t have the Common Ground phone number Dot Calm called, we found a few hopefully helpful phone numbers here:

http://www.commongroundrelief.org/search/node/phone


If possible, we’ll edit this post and provide an actual number when one becomes available. In the meantime, please use the commongroundrelief.org link and do what you can to help the Katrina survivors.

Dot Calm has this to add: “I know we've all made contributions, but Habitat for Humanity is down there building homes as fast as the money will let them.” She provided this link for us to donate whatever we can.

www.habitat.org/giving/donate.aspx?link=82

-----
Democrats can’t even censure Bush, let alone impeach him as he so richly deserves?!?? A Scallion staffer wrote the following letter to Democratic “leadership”:

When over 50% of Americans -- Republican and Democrat -- support the impeachment of George W. Bush, I cannot understand why every single Democrat isn't behind the effort pushing with all their might.

Please understand that your actions are sending a strong message to Americans: "We, the Democratic Party, fully approve of George W. Bush and his policies of fascism, imperialism, and theocracy. We are delighted with how the Republicans are running the ship of state, and we wouldn’t have it any other way."

Also please understand that your actions -- your willing support of Mr. Bush -- supply bountiful reasons why Democrats have failed so miserably at the polls. Democrats have entirely failed to provide any meaningful opposition to the Bush junta and its policies!

If you're not against Bush, you're for him.

Which means that we honest, upstanding Americans have no choice but to vote against you.

-----
A plea written by a Scallion staffer to George W. Bush to stop the genocide in Darfur:

We Americans have seen your "values," Mr. Bush.
Robbing the poor to starvation to fatten the rich.
Lying the nation into an imperial war of fascism and greed.
Flouting the rule of law to serve your own purposes of grabbing money and power.
Throwing our nation into trillions of dollars of debt that will take generations to repay.
Wantonly, recklessly destroying the environment, thereby divesting all Americans of their future birthright so that your fascist corporate cronies can make a quick, illicit buck today.

You have shown time and time again that you have no regard whatsoever for life, justice, peace, generosity, compassion, or indeed any of the Christian morals you claim to espouse.

You have never done one single disinterested thing simply because it would help the less fortunate of our world.

You are a disgrace to the name "Christian." Certainly, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, would never recognize your actions as having any relationship whatsoever with His teachings except total antipathy. “My Children, look upon George W. Bush … he is a perfect example of how NOT to be.”

It breaks my heart that you have chosen the path of evil and of Satan when you are in a position to be a Hero to the world -- you are singularly poised to do more good than any other man alive today.

Jesus calls you to do His work on earth. Why not take up the call and use your marvelous power and wealth to save lives rather than to take them?

Please, before you die -- preferably before you leave office -- do one Good thing. Make one act that Jesus would be proud of. Make all Americans proud of you. Keep your promise of "not on my watch" and stop the genocide in Darfur.

It will be a penance well worth the making.

-----
Hillary’s handlers on the “compassionate” conservative budget

We of The Scallion admit that we don’t trust Hillary Clinton farther than we could comfortably spit a large rat. While we are praying that the Dems will come up with a candidate who actually stands for something (preferably something that does not include kissing George W. Bush’s smelly, purulent white ass), we applaud Hillary’s handlers’ expressions of outrage at George W. Bush and the Republicans’ “compassionate” budget:

“Let's just run through some of the choices that the Washington Republicans made. Now they could have saved the surplus, invested in Social Security and Medicare, paid down the debt, covered the cost of Iraq and Afghanistan and paid the modest tax cuts for the middle class and working poor. Instead, they chose massive tax cuts aimed at those who needed them the least, tax loopholes and giveaways for oil companies to top-off their record breaking profits.”
- Hillary Clinton, February 25, 2006

As Hillary campaigner Ann Lewis points out, “This week, the Senate is voting on the budget -- and once again, we are watching the Washington Republicans at work. It's not a pretty sight.

“When we see the budget decisions that people make, we know what they truly value.

“At a time when American families tell us one of their biggest concerns is losing access to health care, the Republicans latest budget calls for more cuts in health care. And this on top of the cuts Congressional Republicans pushed through a few weeks ago, higher costs for 7 million people in Medicaid, including 3.5 million children. No wonder the number of Americans without health insurance is climbing, while health care costs are squeezing employers and employees alike.

“As Hillary said, it's a question of choices. At a time when we should be taking serious effective steps toward developing alternative energy sources, to move us closer to energy independence, the Republican budget takes a step backward -- attempting to use the budget process to open the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge for oil and gas drilling and claiming billions of dollars in "phantom" revenues to mask the soaring federal deficit.

“The Washington Republicans could have chosen to invest in education -- increasing opportunities and success and making us stronger as a nation for the challenges of the 21st century. Instead, they presented a budget which under-funds No Child Left Behind, shuts the door to after-school programs for thousands of children, and makes college education even more expensive.

“And what about keeping America safe? Democrats in Congress have tried to pay for doubling cargo inspections at ports by reducing the tax cut for people making more than $1 million a year. But the White House and Republican leadership thought it was more important to protect the full amount of the tax cut for millionaires than to increase protection at our ports -- and as this budget shows, they still think so!”

We of The Scallion cannot help but remark how unfortunate it is that conservatives’ compassion only reaches as far as their fellow wealthy white men and their corporations. Will this crop of Ayn Rand Republicans ever learn the lesson that people matter more than money and that it feels better to help people than to steal from and kill them?

-----
Tidbits from “Democracy Now!”

* U.S. Agrees to Pay Egyptian Man $300K For Post-9/11 Detention in Unprecedented Settlement *

The U.S. government has agreed to pay $300,000 to settle a lawsuit brought by an Egyptian man who spent several months in U.S. detention even though he had been cleared of terror charges. Ehab Elmaghraby was one of over 100 Muslim men rounded up and detained after the 9/11 attacks. According to a lawsuit, he was repeatedly beaten and abused by prison guards. We go to Egypt to speak with Elmaghraby and we are joined by two of his attorneys.

Listen/Watch/Read
http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=06/03/01/1446254


* How Major Corporations and Government Plan to Track your Every Move with Radio Frequency Identification *

We speak with Liz McIntyre, author of "Spychips: How Major Corporations and Government Plan to Track your Every Move with RFID" that examines radio frequency identification - a technology that uses tiny computer chips to track items at distance. Major corporations are working right now to install RFIDs on all consumer products. What about in you arm? Or in your kids? We also speak with freelance journalist Annalee Newitz who recently had an RFID implanted in her arm.

Listen/Watch/Read
http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=06/03/01/1447202

-----
Growing a spine: it’s not just for Democrats any more! A Scallion staffer bashed the Republicans for failing to oversee the Bush junta in a letter to the editor of the mooney paper (also known as the Washington Times):

George W. Bush’s White House simply refuses to admit mistakes, take responsibility, and learn its lessons. Instead, Bush and his supporters take the tack of shooting messengers and creating misdirection to cover up their misdeeds.

Luckily for America, we the people know failed leadership when we see it.

We the people were smart enough to reject a ports deal that would have threatened our national security while the Bush administration blithely continues to ignore anything it would rather not see.

We the people are also painfully aware of egregious mismanagement (even corruption!) regarding the Katrina disaster--before, during, and after. Why is the White House refusing to take responsibility? Why is the Bush administration refusing to learn its lesson? Why isn’t Mr. Bush starting the process of securing our ports, our chemical plants, and our cities from a major catastrophe?

And why do Congressional Republicans continually and stubbornly refuse to hold the Bush White House accountable for its incompetence?

Why has the Senate Intelligence Committee caved in to the White House and refused--again!--to open an investigation into the NSA warrantless wiretap program?

Just what will it take to make Congressional Republicans conduct oversight and perform their role as check and balance against the Executive Branch of the Federal government?

Don’t they want to be re-elected?

We sure don’t have one now, but we Americans deserve a credible, competent government we can trust.

After all, isn’t that what we taxpayers are paying for?

-----
Last but not least, The Scallion’s letter to the editor pleading for a stop to the funding of the illicit, illegal, immoral Iraq invasion:

Lusting for oil, our government eschewed intelligence agencies’ and allies’ advice and invaded Iraq, costing over 2,300 American and, according to Lancet, over 100,000 Iraqi civilian lives.

Iraq, which intelligence told us had no ties to al Qaeda, is now a terrorist haven. Our military is stretched to its breaking point. We are LESS secure. Countless people worldwide perceive US as the greatest threat to world peace.

Our leaders boasted that, once the oil was flowing, the war -- a cakewalk -- would pay for itself, yet the invasion has already cost over $246,000,000,000. Thus, we each already owe over $2,000 -- not counting the interest on debts incurred on that money. America has been mortgaged to its creditors, which include democratic, freedom-loving China.

We have lost our allies’ respect.

We have lost our once exalted moral high ground: our government gleefully tortures prisoners it dragnets and holds without charges, without access to due process of law.

Our only gain is the return of our veterans, thousands of whom are mentally and physically maimed. Veterans whose hazard pay was slashed and who face ever diminishing benefits to cope with their disabilities.

Is it worth it?

No.

Unilateral militarism, disrespect for allies, and disregard for rule of law lead to isolation and failure.

Bush wants $65B more for his war and its failed policies of global domination. Congress must stop funding the war and demand to rebuild alliances with fellow democracies.