And now … today’s top stories.
France Leads World Effort to Save World, U.S. from U.S.
February 8, 2005. In a stunning move to save the entire world, including the United States, from the United States as “represented” by the neoconservatives and their puppet-king, George W. Bush, French President Jacques Chirac spearheaded a worldwide effort to bring the U.S. economy to a grinding halt. Addressing a press conference in polished English, Mr. Chirac explained that the action comprised a two-prong approach to collect on all outstanding U.S. debts and to illustrate the true (greatly deflated) value of the American dollar by forcing the U.S. to deal solely in euros.
“We of the civilized world can no longer tolerate the vicious criminal acts of the United States as it wantonly invades and lays waste to any nation in its path,” remarked President Chirac. “Therefore, those of us with vestiges of a conscience must stop the United States and its reprehensible foreign and domestic policies before they can be allowed to continue to trample the rights of ordinary people everywhere. We must no longer bow to United States pressure to allow U.S. corporations to exploit the powerlessness of the masses for the obscene profit of an illegitimate privileged few.
“Of course, we French have not been blameless. We had a rather obtrusive hand in the U.S. overthrow of Haiti’s democratically-elected President, Jean Bertrand Aristide. And we French have a history of making a profit wherever and whenever we can -- it is said that, if you want to hang a Frenchman, he himself will probably try to sell you the rope. But even we have our limits, and enough is enough!
“Therefore, we saw no alternative but to send a strong, clear message to the United States in the only language it understands: money.
“Anyone who reads the news -- by which I mean real news, as one might obtain in Europe, Australia, or Russia -- knows that one reason the United States removed Saddam Hussein from power is that Saddam chose to receive euros rather than dollars for his oil. Of course, Washington tried to rebuff the move as an emotional act that would cost Saddam more than it would gain him, but the thought of removing at least some Middle East oil from the American currency market clearly unsettled Washington insiders. Similarly, Bush has been rattling his saber at Cuban President Fidel Castro lately for the same reason -- Castro has been threatening to trade solely in euros, so Bush now threatens to ‘liberate’ Castro from his post as President.
“So, there is no question that the corporate aspect of the U.S. is deeply frightened by the prospect of being surrounded by trading partners that deal only in euros, with the result of forcing the U.S. and its corporations to deal with the rest of the world only in euros. Once the euro supplants the dollar as the trade currency of choice, as the dollar declines due to skyrocketing U.S. deficits, there will be no more impetus for the rest of the world market to prop up the dollar and buffer it through its inevitable variations and declines. Naturally, our energies will be spent buffering fluctuations in the euro instead. This means that America and America alone will reap the crop it has sown with its irresponsible economic policies -- and the quality of life in America will suffer as Americans are forced to pay fair market prices for the goods they consume.
“This may sound like harsh punishment, but consider: Europeans, Australians, and others all around the world have been paying true fair market prices for oil and other consumer goods for decades; only in America are such goods subsidized. In fact, American imports have become so increasingly subsidized and are now so impossibly cheap that it is clear that the subsidy system cannot be sustained indefinitely: even if labor is free, one must somehow pay for the raw materials. So, it is not a punishment at all but rather an invitation, even if by force, for America as a nation to reach puberty and realize that it will be held accountable for its actions. The neoconservatives in the American government must be made to learn that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
“We of the civilized world also invited the Chinese and other U.S. creditor nations to collect their trade and other debts from the Bush administration. Fortunately, the Chinese government was only too willing to comply -- it seems that Beijing could really use the money right now for some improvement projects at home. The United States’ other trading partners were also willing to call in their debts. Why? Simply because, at the rate it is going, America is spending so much on credit that its creditors are understandably anxious that they will never see their money again. Whether it becomes impossible for the U.S. to pay -- or whether the U.S. chooses to wave its hand and issue an edict announcing that it refuses to pay -- makes no difference. Since America’s reneging on such large debts would clearly injure the economies of the creditor nations, these nations have no choice but to defend themselves against such an evil contingency. Again, this is not so much a punishment of the United States as it is a friendly lesson -- an invitation to become a respectable, responsible member of the world community.
“Naturally, collection of America’s foreign debt will damage ordinary Americans’ quality of life as their tax money goes toward paying foreign debts instead of domestic programs -- you don’t think the neoconservatives would fund domestic programs instead of tax cuts for the wealthy or imperial wars, do you? Yes, in this brave new era of world trade in euros and enforced elimination of America’s foreign debt, Americans at home will have to learn to live without the ‘luxuries’ of Social Security, Welfare, Medicare, public education, roads, and so forth. A great many will also have to learn to live without the ‘luxury’ of paid employment -- even at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s. Perhaps, after a sufficient number of Americans learn exactly whom the neoconservatives serve, they will realize that, as Albert Camus once pointed out, it is unwise to side with one’s executioners. Then, perhaps, America’s masses may properly be trusted to elect officials who will serve the best interests of the many. Despite the demands of karmic justice, this will actually also benefit the wealthy Americans who today feel that the only way to get their fair share (meaning ‘all of it’) is by stealing it from the world’s less fortunate.
“It is unfortunate, if also ironic, that it is up to us -- the morally superior and more experienced of the world -- to destroy America in order to save it.”
