Reject Frum Seeks New Squeeze

April 6, 2003. After lavishing love letters and gifts upon a coquettish George W. Bush, the object of his obvious affections, David Frum can't deny he is a jilted man. Despite his fervent advances over the period of days, weeks even, Frum has remained disappointed in his expectations that his attentions would be duly reciprocated. Frustrated anent the failure of his ardent efforts to get into his fickle beloved's pants, a thwarted Mr. Frum addressed the press today in a special debriefing. “Well, judging from how Toady Blair fared, I guess I had this coming,” Mr. Frum shrugged. “Not to worry, though—love is just around the corner.”

Yes, Mr. Frum has set his cap on fresh meat these days: a very surprised and flattered Richard Perle. Recently, Mr. Perle has been beset by journalists insisting that he has conflicts of interest and that he has no right even participating in the war advisory board of which he recently stepped down as chair. Now, Mr. Perle is the lucky recipient of Mr. Frum's verbal flowers and candy, as Frum makes Perle sound like the most pure upstanding lily-white thing since Abraham Lincoln.

Only time will tell whether Mr. Frum's affections will be requited this time. If not, he can always try John Ashcroft.

Bush's New “Economy” “Thriving”

April 7, 2003. A pleased George W. Bush addressed a press conference this morning to give an update on the progress of the White House's new “economy.”

“Yessiree, folks, things is going just the way me an' Jeb an' Poppy want 'em. Oh, now everybody thinks that the great ol' U.S. of A's economy is collapsing and so forth, but they're just plain wrong. You see, me an' Poppy an' them nice folks Poppy pays to help me out—we have a plan. And this-here's it.

“You know the way the economy is going now? Lots of people out of jobs? Lots of poor people losing benefits and privileges because of deep tax cuts? Well, that's all going right on as scheduled. The goal is to get these lazy layabouts a lot less used to having money and jobs and whatnot. Then, just as soon as we win my first little war-war, we'll start giving the poor a few minimum wage jobs back. Then, they'll feel like they're all freakin' rich. So, that's how it works—trash the economy now; get everybody except us rich white folks expecting a lot less prosperity for themself; throw the poor a few crumbs so they shut up and feel overwhelmingly grateful; and then pad our own pockets with their and everybody else's hard-earned cash.

“So, friends, neighbors, and good buddies, don't worry your empty little heads about the li'l ol' economy. Don't give it—or anything else, for that matter—another thought. Just get back to yer chips and yer beers and yer cable tee-vees and CNN and all that great super-exciting TV-land coverage of us true-blue heroes over and out there in the desert spanking Saddam's little brown butt with our JDAMs an' all—heh, heh, he sure is in HARMs' way now, ain't he, the bastard? So, anyway, just leave all the important stuff—like thinking and running your lives for you—to us, your unduly elected officials. After all, that's what you put us here in office and taxpayer dollars pay us for.”

Mall Rent-a-Cops Being Issued Duct Tape

April 7, 2003. Federal rulings have upheld a New York shopping mall's statement that it has the right to limit free speech on its private-property premises, in this case by arresting a sixty-one year-old man for wearing an anti-war tee shirt. Apparently, while malls enjoy the right to limit free speech as they see fit, they are not required to post their free speech prohibitions or rules. Similarly, there is no requirement to enforce, for example, non-political speech rules fairly. This implies that malls need not consistently enforce restrictions on anti-war speech or clothing concurrently with comparable restrictions on American flag or pro-war speech or apparel. In this case, the mall's security claimed that the man, whom they discovered sitting quietly in the food court being assiduously ignored by fellow mall patrons, was trespassing, causing a disturbance, and making it impossible for the mall's retailers to conduct business by wearing a “Give peace a chance” tee shirt. While the ACLU is considering challenging the existing rulings and seeking broader rights of free speech in New York shopping malls, many local malls are issuing their security forces with duct tape to be placed over all anti-war tee shirts and over the mouths of all patrons as they are welcomed into the malls. Mall security forces are also being trained to greet patrons with this comforting, friendly message: “Welcome to the mall. You have the right to remain silent.”

Israeli Troops Train Americans for Iraq Street Combat

April 5, 2003. Pentagon officials are pleased with progress as Israeli troops train U.S. troops for street-to-street fighting in the current war on Iraq. A Pentagon spokesman summarized the training for a press conference. “It's very simple. First, we move dozens of armored bulldozers into the occupied territories where we have no right to be anyway. Then, we wait until the human shield peace activists block the bulldozers' paths when the bulldozers come to mow down the civilians' homes where the terrorists—mainly women, children, wounded, and handicapped—are cowering. Then, we dump a load of dirt and rocks on top of the peace activists, lowering the bulldozer's blade as the activists are buried. Then, we drive the bulldozer forward with its blade still down, mowing down the activist and the civilian home. After that, we drive backward over the house and the activist with the heavy blade still down, just to make sure we've done the job right. Then, we claim that the poor clumsy peace activists jumped or fell in front of the friendly happy bulldozers what were there rebuilding the nice happy city. And, if for some bizarre mysterious reason this approach fails, then we just grab the nearest handy BFG and blast the hell out of 'em! Slow moving civilians make for great target practice, woo-hoo!”

The spokesman paused to collect himself. He resumed, “If we successfully train all U.S. troops so that they understand and perform armored bulldozer street combat correctly, we will very handily win the war against peace activists; old, injured, and handicapped civilians; and terrorist civilian housing. And these people and homes constitute the fundamental threat, after all—at least, that's what Sharon keeps telling us, and he's our great good friend, so we know he wouldn't lie to us ... not about this, anyway.

We hope.”