Bush Lobbies Hard to Endanger and Kill Children

November 19, 2002, the White House. When questioned about seemingly unrelated riders on the homeland security bill now under discussion in the Senate, Mr. Bush outlined his views and lobbying efforts for the bill’s passage. One of the riders in question would protect major pharmaceutical companies, like Eli Lilly, from lawsuits regarding vaccines that hurt or kill children and other recipients, regardless of whether or not the company knowingly committed wrongdoing or behaved negligently. Mr. Bush explained why he is in favor of the rider.

“Well, you see, we have to protect the pharmaceutical companies and all big business from them pesky citizens and their pesky law suits. I mean, how can a decent company that enjoys a bit of counterfeit, corruption, and graft every now and then continue to turn a profit for its highly paid executives if less advantaged people hold their feet to the fire for silly death and dismemberment malpractice lawsuits when these companies knowingly or unknowingly commit some heinous but profitable act? It’s just not fair. Everybody should see that. You people should know by now that I’m all in favor of endangering and killing children just as long as it’s done by big business, big medicine, or NRA-sponsored firearms. I’m down with it as long as it makes a profit and I get my cut. Let’s get real here: the generosity of my wealthy friends in big medicine and other big business helped put me and my buds into these positions of power we now so thoroughly enjoy. Heck, we gotta scratch their backs now—they’ve earned it. So what if a few hundred or thousand kids get sick or die each year from deliberately faulty vaccines? What do I care? My kids had all their shots years ago, and we can tell everybody we know not to vaccinate theirs.”

At this point, an observer pointed out the glaring disparity between Mr. Bush’s perspective on risking children’s lives when it benefits his wealthy cronies in big business or the NRA and his staunch opposition to abortion. Mr. Bush replied, “There is the clearest of clear distinctions between the two. You people should get it by now. Let me spell it out one more time. Abortion is bad because it gives women too much control over their own lives. And everyone knows women are bad and we have to direct their lives for them because they’re just too blame stupid to do it themselves. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. My friends in the religious right, who also helped put me and my buds in power, have spelled this out time and again. Granted, the religious right has money and power, but their pull pales in comparison to the overflowing moneypots of American business. So, I’ll tell you one thing: if abortion ever became big business, I’d support it in a New York second and the religious right be damned. Oh, I’d agonize with myself over it, you know, because of the conflict between giving women control and making a buck or two at their expense. But money wins hands down every time. It’s the Republican—and American—way. Got it? Hopefully, that clears everything up for you and you’ll stop asking me that question all the time.”