Today's Democracy Now! headlines are just too good to miss (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/11/25/1646246):

- Iraqi Council Shuts Down Arab TV Network
- Pentagon Retracts GI Torture Story
- W.Post Ombudsman Blasts Paper’s Jessica Lynch Coverage
- Bush Makes Rare Visit With Families of Dead Troops
- Turkey Detains 12 in Connection to Bombings
- UK Royal Gardens Destroyed by Bush Visit

We of The Scallion promise—cross our hearts—that the last item is not a hoax (although it certainly reads like one)!
Remember to check out www.alternet.org and www.democracynow.org for news you can use!

And now, for today's top stories ...

FTAA Protesters Get What's Coming to Them

November 24, 2003. In a stunning show of highly efficient, well-orchestrated compassion, Miami police force riot troopers humanely showered demonstrators protesting against the Free Trade Area of the Americas (FTAA), an extension of NAFTA, with rubber and plastic bullets, gun-fired pepper spray pellets, tear gas, and pepper spray. In addition, the police force soldiers lovingly caressed protesters with beatings and tazer shocks.

“Well, you can't really blame the Miami police for reacting to us the way they did,” remarked Democracy Now!'s Ana Nogueira, who ultimately spent a lovely evening in a luxurious, toilet-free, six-legged pet-filled guest suite at her Miami hosts' expense. “I mean, it was grotesquely un-American of us to imply by our words or our actions that America's saintly big corporations could possibly do anything less than to lavish each worker, no matter how unskilled or ungrateful, with top-dollar salaries, generous health benefits, child care, vacations, overtime pay, abundant human dignity, and ideal working conditions with every opportunity to realize the American dream.”

Miami Police Chief John Timoney defended the officers' approach, saying, "We are very proud of the police officers and their restraint—they hardly laughed at all at these long-haired weirdos, as much as they deserved it. Lots of objects were thrown at the police officers, namely the very same rocks and tear gas canisters that were first thrown by the officers at the protesters. Imagine the nerve of those crazy left-wingers, throwing stuff back to us that we've thrown first! When one of Miami's finest throws something at a waste-of-food protester, he has a right to expect that it will stay thrown,” Timoney harrumphed. He resumed, “And then, these un-American hippie tree-huggers have the gall to complain that we were being unreasonable when we'd tell them to disperse, then knock them down, then repeat the order to disperse, and then knock them down again all while herding them into a corner so that we could finally arrest them for being the subversives that they are and not dispersing correctly, 'correctly' being an arbitrary term. And then, do you want to know just how un-American these commie-loving bastards are? Do you? Do you! Well, I'll tell you. Lots of them—oh, you're just not going to believe it—well, they don't eat meat. And I mean no meat, none at all. Ever. Not even chicken or fish, let alone a good ol' American t-bone steak. And that's not the half of it. Believe it or not, some of these freakos don't even eat cheese or eggs or milk—some won't even eat honey or wear leather or wool. Some of those weirdos call themselves vee- ... vee- ... well, I can neither remember nor pronounce it, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it's probably the name of the weird-ass planet they come from, is all. It wobbles the mind, but I swear I'm not making this up—you can't make up stuff like this! Sometimes, truth really is stranger than fiction ...” He paused to reflect on the sheer unreality of it all before he continued, “Well, my boys in blue, we had enough of their animal-rights whining. They can eat beef or starve, as far as we're concerned. If they put up enough of a fight, I'll have 'em force-fed McDonalds through a tube and see how they like that!

“All I can say is that—being force-fed beef or pelted with rubber bullets and pepper spray or electrocuted with tazers or beaten senseless and ultimately arrested—these commie anarchist capitalist-hating freaks had it coming. How dare they invade our fair, capitalistic city with their tie-dyed shirts and their long hair and flowers and their peace and love and songs .... They brought this all on themselves by all their nonviolent behavior to the police. Don't forget, it was them who first didn't throw rocks or shout taunts and epithets at police. It was them who first didn't incite violence. So, they brought this all down on their own heads—Miami's finest merely responded not in kind. Those protesters and their embedded journalists had no right to be there in the first place, protesting the sacred American way. Let this be a lesson to all the future nonviolent protesters out there and their wannabes who think that this whole peace and justice movement thing is so glamorous: if you come to Philly or Miami or whichever fine, upstanding American city I happen to be in at the time, I will deal with you the same way. I didn't get my $8.5 million budget from the $87 billion Iraq spending bill* in order to mollycoddle some pantywaist Bush-haters. There's no room for dissent in this great democracy of ours, and me and my boys in blue are ready to back up our illustrious President and/or his younger bro and fight anyone who says different.”

*http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/11/24/1455248&mode=thread&tid=25#transcript

Tommy Franks Anticipates Joyous Logical Conclusion of Current Bush Regime Redesign of U.S. Government

November 22, 2003. General Tommy Franks predicts that the United States may discard its Constitution and replace it with a military government if the country is attacked with weapons of mass destruction (WMD). In remarks to the magazine “Cigar Aficionado,” Franks predicted that “the Western world, the free world” would lose its freedom and liberty if America were attacked with WMDs.

Senate Majority Leader Tom DeLay applauded General Franks's comments, saying, “Nice one, Tommy. Way to make sure that everybody understands that America IS 'the Western world, the free world' and that none of those milquetoast liberal-loving commie Old Europe pukes are worth a damn. Of course, that's the minor message: the real take-home idea here is that we need a military government in order to keep the peasants in line once we've finally dropped all pretense at public service and have transitioned control of the country over to its rightful corporate owners. The Miami model of dissent suppression we saw expertly executed upon FTAA protesters is the very model of homeland security, where, by 'security,' we mean 'dissent suppression.' The only thing the esteemed general omitted to say in his remarks to 'Cigar Aficionado' was 'Bring it on.'”

Also reacting to Franks's comments, George W. Bush offered some impromptu remarks of his own: “Yessirree, bob, ol' Tommy is performing right on cue. Y'know that ol' chestnut about the boil in the frogging pot of water and alls ya hafta do is turn up the heat so the critters just sit there and say, 'Gee, this water sure is hot but it's bound to get better some time' and so you can actually cook the critters to death without 'em getting wise, but, if ya try to throw 'em into a pot of water that is already boiling, well, then they're are smart enough to jump right back out just as soon as they burn their li'l toesies? Alls we hafta do is turn up the heat just a li'l bit so that the peasants won't realize their water is being boiled by us—and that is just what Tommy is doin', helpin' us turn up the heat all sneaky-like so that the corporate take-over of the rest of the country is so gradual that nobody realizes what we done until we already done it and it's too late! Pretty neat, huh? And then, there's the—” Mr. Bush abruptly stopped upon being loudly and harshly shushed by an impatient Karl Rove.

Bush paused long enough to thumb his nose and give Rove an imperious look. He continued, “Aww, go shush yourself, Mister I'm-so-smart Turd Blossom. I can say what I like—I'm the POTUS, and I got me the best suit of political Teflon what's ever been bought. So, there—nyeah! Anyway, like as I was saying, this is the beginning of the end of power in the hands of the peasants. Corporate fascism is a beautiful thing, and I sure like its goals—as do all my rich corporate backers. The hell with the peasants—we can use 'em up faster than they can breed 'em. At least, I sure aims to try.”