Bush to Read Holiday Stories to Kiddies at White House

December 17, 2002. Aides are scrambling as Bush prepares to read Christmas stories to local children at the White House in a special holiday party.

“We’re having a terrible time of it,” one aide remarked, “Everyone knows that Dubya can’t—I mean, doesn’t have time to read. That rules cue cards right out. Oh, sure, we could make cue cards for simple objects, like ‘toy’ or ‘sleigh,’ but what about verbs or articles? We’ve had a world-class phonics expert in here tutoring the President day and night for the past month, but it doesn’t look good. Even the ‘I’m a big kid’ large, easy-to-read text doesn’t seem to help. We have half a dozen Little Golden Books from ‘Frosty’ to ‘Rudolph’ for the President to read on Story Night, but he’s still having trouble sounding out even the most basic words, like ‘bat,’ ‘cat,’ ‘rat,’ ‘dog,’ and ‘ball’—that double-l really threw him. It was depressing.” Another aide added, “As a fallback, we’re trying to get the President just to memorize the words by how they look. That way, he wouldn’t have to actually read them.”

Just then, a weary, bleary-eyed avuncular gentleman—apparently, the phonics tutor—emerged from the Oval Office, rubbing his bloodshot eyes from behind their spectacles and shaking his head disparagingly. He addressed the aides: “There is nothing more I can do. The President is too stup—I mean, too busy to memorize so many written words. He seems more motivated to make silly sound effects and mumble ‘I’ll get you, Saddam’ than to learn a skill that will serve him for the rest of his life. I think your best bet will be to read the books into a tape recorder, play them back to the President, and get him to memorize them like he does his speeches—well, better than that, hopefully. Oh, and somebody will have to cue him to turn the pages. But I think that’s the best you’ll be able to do.”

The aides sighed. One remarked, “It’s sad to think that the tiny tots that will be in the audience are all better readers than their nation’s commander-in-chief, but what can you do?” The other aide added, “Yeah. Those improvisations during the rehearsals didn’t help, either. I kept telling him that Iraq is not at the North Pole, and Saddam Hussein is not invading Santa’s Workshop, but he would insist. He makes the worst tank and bomb sound effects I ever heard!” “Wait a minute—I just had a thought. Let’s claim that the President has come down with a case of 24-hour laryngitis so bad that he can’t even produce a whisper. That gets Dubya off the hook for actually reading and gives us an excuse to show the kids Christmas videotapes instead.” “Genius! I’m sure my kids will be patriotic enough to loan me their tapes for such a momentous occasion.” “Well, thank God that’s finally settled. Let’s grab some lunch.” “You got it—I’m buying!”

Editorial: Breaking the Law, Casting Lott, and other Musings

Beleaguered Roman Catholic Cardinal Bernard Law has resigned his post as Archbishop of Boston amid demands to do so from laity and priests alike. He hopes that his decision will “help bring healing,” but he expresses surprise and shock at recent turns of events, saying that he never in his life expected such a year of controversy and upheaval. Does this mean that he fully expected to indulge with complete impunity in a lifetime of shielding abusive and perverted priests at the expense of innocent, trusting parishioners—did he expect to go invincibly to his retirement and, ultimately, his grave free from redress of his complicity and negligence? Or, did he actually believe himself innocent of any wrongdoing (until the public rubbed his nose in his crimes and their fallout)? These possibilities inspire contempt rather than confidence in the man as a religious leader, especially given that, while he is no longer Archbishop of Boston, he is still a Cardinal with all rights and privileges pertaining unto. This means that he is likely to vote for the next Pope, despite his own obvious shortsightedness and hubris: failings which offered short-term gains for the Church via successful cover-ups but which ultimately cost the Church dearly when the decades of scandal and abuse came to light. He compounded those sins by resorting to hardball tactics once the Church’s accusers reached critical mass. Instead of apologizing for his own wrongdoings and taking responsibility for shielding abusive men under his supervision, he added insult to injury by denying everything and accusing the accusers of causing—which implies deserving—the abuses they suffered. He demonstrated that he would rather fork over the wealth of the Boston Church to the lawyers over the abuse survivors, even to the point of considering bankruptcy (adding financial to moral) in his game of monetary keep-away. By stepping down as the hierarchy’s head in Boston, Cardinal Law has shown the world that he has a shred of decency; however, his attitudes and actions preclude the Church’s followers and observers from hoping that he possesses any decency or conscience beyond that one lonely, infinitesimal shred.

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“I’m sorry … so sorry …” That golden oldie must be playing like a broken record in the mind (such as it is) of Mississippi Republican and Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott as he continues to apologize anent his remarks on South Carolinia Dixiecrat-cum-Republican Senator Strom Thurmond’s ill-fated 100th birthday. In a country that boasts freedom of speech, Lott was merely speaking his mind. The most striking difference between this time and previous times Lott succumbed to foot-in-mouth disease is that, this time, civil rights-minded folks put their collective foot down. This has left the Republicans backpedaling in a tardy hurry to distance themselves from the seeming denial of the American ideal of equality and justice for everyone, including African Americans. Tardy hurry? “Tardy” because Lott’s remarks were largely ignored until pounced on and dispersed by the media; “hurry” because, now that the Republicans have seen the degree of public outcry, they are hoping that, in the flurry of leaving Lott to his lot, the American public will forget that the GOP responded not on principles but on politics. The same is true of George W. Bush: he is assiduously courting Hispanic and Black voters and thus seeks to distance himself from Lott, yet he tacitly endorses discrimination by promoting his precious faith-based initiatives. Gee, will anyone notice the soupcon of hypocrisy there? As for Lott, his days as Senate Majority Leader seem numbered: he has lost the power and influence that come with the respect of his party, making it impossible for him to function any longer in that role. It’s staggering that the man ever became Senate Majority Leader in the first place. Isn’t it also curious that civil rights holdouts like Lott and Thurmond have been allowed to “serve” in the Senate for so many decades beyond obsolescence?

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It looks like Al Gore has finally realized his irrelevance in the 2004 bid for the Presidency. While this is definitely a welcome improvement, it would have been nice if he had also taken responsibility for his outsider status, saying, “Hey, mea culpa—I don’t think America has the confidence in me just yet.” So much more mature than brushing off the decision as the will of those around him. One can only hope that Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt follow Gore’s example and perhaps show the maturity that Gore lacked.

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America, the women of Afghanistan still need your help. Especially in western regions like Herat, which is governed by a Taliban-like emir-wannabe warlord, women are still being forced to shroud themselves from head to toe before venturing out into public; they are prohibited from expressing themselves publicly or criticizing the government in any way; they are still being denied access to some jobs; and, if they go out in public alone (Allah forbid!), they are being seized by the morality police, dragged to Herat Hospital, and subjected to humiliating and abusive gynecological “chastity exams” to determine whether they have recently had sex. Normally, this writer eschews and despises America’s self-assumed role of world supercop, but, since we made this mess, we had damned well better clean it up. Here’s hoping we acquire the attention span to do so.

The writer, Zoe Owens, Ph.D., is a philosopher and author of religious and philosophical books and articles.