The Scallion

Disclaimer: this online political & social satire webzine is not suitable for the decerebrate (translation: our illustrious bonehead, his benighted administration, neo-ultraconservative Republicans, rabid Catholics, sheep, or their sympathizers) or for readers under age 18. As satirists, we take no responsibility if what we say is dangerously close to the truth. If you're under 18, stop reading this NOW & go turn yourself in to your Mommy for a well-deserved spanking, you no-good little whelp.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Social Contract for America

We as Americans enjoy a great deal of liberty compared to citizens in many other cultures. However, our relative freedoms do not give us the right to run roughshod over each other for our own convenience or gain. While our foundational documents guarantee us the rights to pursue livelihoods and happiness, they do not exhort us to seek excess wealth at the expense of those struggling to survive, and they do not pressure us to pursue wanton, hedonistic pleasure without regard to securing the lasting happiness of ourselves and those around us. By and large, an American society begotten by the “me” generation has forgotten that, for “me” truly to be happy, “I” must conduct “myself” according to a few ancient—spiritual—laws. In the hopes that a timely reminder may take root, sprout, and yield lasting results, The Scallion presents a Social Contract for America and invites all readers to sign this contract and share it with everyone they can.

Article the First: I pledge to treat others the way I want to be treated myself. This means that I shall not treat others the way I think I would be treated or the way I think they deserve to be treated unless this is how I would want to be treated in the same situation. I shall endeavor to be fully aware of those around me and to be considerate of them, confident in the knowledge that positive change begins with me. I shall strive to treat all others with respect and tolerance. If this seems too daunting a task, then I shall begin with simple acts of kindness to others at home, in the workplace, and on the roads. I shall spread this positive behavior to the best of my ability and patiently wait for others around me to catch on and begin spreading consideration, respect, tolerance, and kindness themselves. I understand that I can think globally and act locally. I understand that, together, we can make America a better place.

Article the Second: I pledge to ask what I can do for America, not what America can do for me. Daily, I see the nation being treated like a big dead animal carcass in the process of being carved up and carried off in chunks by large and small predators and scavengers. I believe that the future of America lies in its unity as a national community, and I will take each opportunity I can to promote the wellbeing of my country.

Article the Third: I pledge to hold those in authority accountable for their actions. I will vote with my pen, my feet, and my wallet every chance I get. With other Americans, I pledge to take my country back by getting involved and, most importantly, by voting.

That’s it, folks—short and sweet. Take the pledge and pass it on.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Editorial: A White Rose for Paul

In these days preceding a nail-bitingly important and close round of Senate elections, America is also mourning the untimely passing of one of our own, Senator Paul Wellstone, along with his wife, Sheila, and daughter in a small plane crash that also claimed the lives of three aides and two pilots. Perhaps I am not the only one who can’t help but feel that Senator Wellstone’s tragic death plays right into the hands of Mr. Bush and his eager mongers of never-ending war, just as Princess Diana’s heartbreaking demise played into the hands of Prince Charles and the British royal family. There is one key difference, however, and it lies in Americans’ power to vote.

Mr. Bush and those recruited to advise and support him have time and again striven to convince America and the world that the nation is in unanimous agreement with Bush and his cohort on everything from soup to nuts. By coaxing, cajoling, and threatening, they struggle to convince us that a dissenting opinion is an unpatriotic one. While this was certainly true in the days before America’s independence from Britain, it has no place in the free society America now claims to be. Mr. Bush’s neo-McCarthyism must be denounced for what it is, and we as Americans must not succumb to the Bushies’ malleable reality of convenience. It stands to reason that Mr. Bush is in fact no better than Saddam Hussein, a dictator whom Bush’s own predecessors placed in power and lavished with the very weapons of mass destruction that Mr. Bush now claims to want to eradicate. Consider how both men manipulate the public and strive for complete control over the less fortunate masses; consider how they both invoke religious fundamentalism to give impetus to their views. Perhaps the only difference between the two is the amount of time spent in office—unless, of course, Mr. Bush chooses to do away with term limits.

The truth of the matter is that not everybody agrees with Mr. Bush and his adherents. A great many Americans do not want to sacrifice equality and basic civil liberties to appease the grim specter of terrorism—or whatever other convenient excuse occurs to Mr. Bush. Similarly, a great many Americans believe in competition and fair play; they mourn the untimely demise and assimilation of small innovative entities and companies into an ever-dwindling number of large powerful monopolies sanctioned by wealthy individuals like Mr. Bush, and they fear the social and economic impact on the not so powerful average citizen. Furthermore, a great many Americans are disgusted and repulsed by Big Money’s flagrant corruption and abuses at the expense of the average citizen; they marvel at the manipulation of information and wonder where it will all end. Lastly, a great many Americans do not want an unending war on Iraq. Many of these Americans believe in spreading food, medicine, education, technology, and peace instead of bloodshed; others simply want to stave off war except as the last possible resort. All of these Americans perceive the Congressional resolution giving Mr. Bush carte blanche to bomb Iraq at will as a terrible precedent that can only precipitate a long, bloody war from which both sides will suffer greatly.

Brave men and women in Congress—Representatives and Senators, Republicans and Democrats—fought the seemingly relentless tide of favor for the war resolution propounded by the White House; sadly, others succumbed. Regrettably, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, who should have led the charge, caved in to Mr. Bush’s demands for his pet resolution. (One hopes that Mr. Daschle was rewarded handsomely for selling his soul—and selling out the nation.) One of those who stood and fought was Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.

Senator Wellstone was truly a man of the people. He despised the continual injustices perpetrated by the nation’s have’s against its have-not’s. He knew only too well that a disproportionate amount of power is too tightly held by America’s wealthy elite, and he fought that status quo for all he was worth. Paul Wellstone fought to represent the average citizen. He voted his conscience no matter how unpopular his views might have been among the rich and powerful in Congress.

What would Paul Wellstone ask of us to keep his memory? I am sure that he would ask us as ordinary Americans—not the privileged elite—to take back our country. We can do this in many ways. We can write letters to our newspaper editors. We can volunteer our time and money to support political campaigns that propound our own values. We can get involved with local, state, and national politics rather than wait for someone else to solve our problems for us. Most of all, we can get out and vote. We need to fire the politicians who aren’t representing us and elect men and women who will.

Let’s all agree to honor Paul Wellstone by voting on November 5.