MSNBC Fires Michael Savage

July 8, 2003. In a move yesterday that surprised liberals but seemed almost overdue to corporate mavens who live their lives blown about by every breath of economic breeze, MSNBC fired Michael Savage and discontinued his show, “Savage Nation.” Progressive Americans were shocked and dismayed when MSNBC initially booted Phil Donahue—the last holdout progressive, pro-peace voice in mainstream corporate media—and replaced him with racist, misogynist, homophobic, anti-immigrant Savage.

Stepping out into the street after his exit interview, Savage was waylaid by angry mobs of gays, lesbians, and women who repeatedly gang-banged him; immigrants, liberals, and progressives who rubbed his face in his own dung; and people of color who repeatedly kicked him in the nuts. Poetic justice, perhaps, but the attack is not expected to stop Savage from airing his vitriol in his over two hundred national radio programs.

Bush Admits Misleading Congress Over Iraq's Nuclear WMD

July 7, 2003. The headline pretty much says it all, doesn't it? Apparently, on the eve of Bush's African visit, his handlers decided it would be a good idea to come clean about the African nation they were using as a cover for invading Iraq.

U.S. Troops Trash Baghdad Airport

July 7, 2003. To the tune of over $100M USD, U.S. troops reportedly looted, smashed, and trashed the Baghdad airport. They apparently vandalized at least five Boeing aircraft to the point that they may never fly again. Graffiti in English now graces all the walls; the windows have been smashed; and troops have helped themselves to the airport shops' duty-free merchandise. Senior administration officials state that there is “no chance” that the vandalism was “caused by Iraqis” and that troops “do these things all the time.”

Beating the Bush for Political Gain

July 7, 2003. Bush leaves for Africa to beat the bush for financial and political gain. Ostensibly, he is there seeking to promote U.S. assistance for treating—and preventing?—AIDS. The problem for this administration regarding this trip is that it almost appears to be beneficent, giving a helping hand to men and women who happen to be mostly poor and always Black. And AIDS prevention would appear to suggest promoting the use of condoms. As is usual with the Bush regime, things are not always what they seem. The standard bait-and-switch is poised for implementation, as Bush remarked to the press corps: “The American sheeple just take whatever we tell 'em and make the best out of it and assume I, their POTUS, can do no wrong. If we tell 'em we're helping Africa with AIDS and the war on terrorism, their hearts will glow warm because they'll think a number of things that ain't so, like that this has anything to do with humanitarianism—but we all know that any humanitarianism is just there to shut up the liberals and make my administration look good and generous and Christian, which we're not. Like we have so much moola we're willing to share our bounty with others, as if anything could possibly be farther from the truth. Or that this trip will actually help the poor people of Africa—but we all know that it's designed to funnel taxpayer money into my drug company buddies' pockets. And, because it supports and is supported by the fundamentalist Christian right, this presidency teaches only abstinence to prevent AIDS. We all know that that just ain't practical, but, hey, it gives us an 'in' to influence the average African heathen pagan. So, it looks good politically, but, in the end, it serves nobody but our rich white presidential selves. Like, what else didja expect?! Mohawk Gandy, maybe?

“The only reason Africa is on the U.S. radar right now—contrary to my campaign statements—is because we want to secure our oil interests worldwide. And sending troops to Liberia gives us a convenient excuse to set up some bases thereabouts, even though we'd rather not waste our disposable troops there—Condi nattered on and on about how the U.S. founded Liberia as a freed slave colony, but we did it on top of indigenous peoples and are responsible for the mess over there. But I wasn't listening to any of that because I was too busy thinking about the next time I can play Top Gun. I haven't pretended to decide yet whether to send in troops or not—everyone knows that's Karl's job, and he may not want to play with any more tanks and guns if we hafta be all faggoty-multilateral-international. Warm-fuzzy mushy nonsense—not at all cowboy-like. Karl might be more willing to send in the Marines if it's a unilateral invasion where we can take over more oil real estate. Anyway, he better tell me what to pretend to decide before I get into that meeting and end up looking even more stupid.

“All I know is that I'd rather stay home at Crawford this time. I mean, it's not like I'm actually trying or even condescending to meet with Nelson Mandela, and it's not like I'm meeting with the African Union. So, anyone who's actually following this can see that this is just another campaign photo op, only I don't get to wear my flight gear and land on a carrier this time.

“And, besides—I never went farther than my own backyard before poppy bought me this keen POTUS job, so I'm just trying to look on the bright side and pretend that this is yet another nifty vacation trip at U.S. taxpayer expense. Karl sez I better at least feign a modicum of interest this time, but I don't know what 'feign' or 'modicum' means. All I know is I don't give a wet flip about a dumb ol' country like Africa. I get bored to tears just thinking about it, even if Laura says I can have all the coloring books I want. Maybe Karl will change his mind and get me a carrier to land on after all.”

Pet Change Operation Gains Momentum, Popularity

July 6, 2003. A new phenomenon has been gaining momentum in American cities and towns of late: the pet change operation. While it is the pet's family that most often makes the momentous decision, sometimes the animal him or herself opts for the change. An intricate and delicate surgery costing upwards of ten thousand dollars, pet change surgery clearly isn't for everyone but can offer pets and their families nearly normal lives in otherwise impossible situations.

Of course, there are some drawbacks with the surgery. For instance, transpetual animals cannot bear young: the ASPCA insists on spaying and neutering. Also, dogs that become cats can never have extensible, retractable claws—a real drawback for outdoor pets.

Fred and Martha Johnson spoke with The Scallion after their pet, once a sleepy and aloof beagle, Fido, underwent surgery and is now enjoying life as pampered Persian cat, Fluffy. “Fluffy seems so much happier now that he's a cat. His new physique and identity really seem to suit him.”

The Scallion also interviewed a tabby cat that underwent drastic surgery to become a Labrador retriever who gave up the name “Mittens” along with her past identity. She now calls herself “Fireball.” Fireball was ecstatic with her transformation. “Now, my humans won't look at me funny when I fetch sticks or balls and jump in the bathtub or pool for a swim or dig holes in the garden or any of that stuff.” She panted and grinned. “It's such a relief not to be expected to lick my fur all day, lay on windowsills, act aloof, or pretend to be finicky about food.” She paused to chase her tail for a few minutes. “It's also great fun to be a great big yellow dog instead of a small, fluffy cat—but I promise not to chase any cars ... or cats!”

A veterinarian performing these popular new surgeries offered her remarks. “We can take any pet and make it into any other pet. We've changed birds, cats, dogs, fish, rabbits—you name it. It's an amazing gift to give these precious animals—now that we have the technology, there's no reason for someone's beloved pet to be uncomfortable in its own body any longer. Of course, the fundamentalist Christian right thinks it's an abomination of nature, but we're here to help these animals. We think we're doing a pretty good job, and we have the letters of thanks from all the grateful pets to prove it.”

Bring It On

July 5, 2003. In recent remarks, Bush has been instigating the Iraqi people to “bring it on” regarding terrorism and attacks on U.S. troops. While thoughtful people around the world are horrified at such arrogant disrespect for human life and future relations between the U.S. and other nations, many Americans are right proud to hear such fighting words from their tough cowboy “president.” With everyone near and dear to him safe and sound at home, perhaps Mr. Bush feels no compulsion to protect other Americans' loved ones from being assassinated in Iraq. According to “Democracy Now!” front line reporters, over 200 troops have been injured or killed since Bush called an “end” to hostilities on May 1, 2003.

Celebrating Independence Day?

July 4, 2003. Even among Americans, not everyone has reason to celebrate the fourth of July as Independence Day. While the once-British colonists, their progeny, and more recent immigrant generations continue to celebrate the fledgling nation's bravely fought and hard-won freedom from the British crown, that freedom failed to extend to the Native Americans, who lost their lands and their freedoms to the colonists, and the Black slaves, who were held by many colonists as human property. A sobering thought for this year's Independence Day, as all non-rich, non-white, non-male Americans watch their freedoms and human rights erode under unrelenting pressure from the pro-money and anti-populace dogmas of the rich, corporate owners and operators of the nation and its government: how much longer will average Americans find Independence Day worth celebrating?

Bush Rushed to NIH for Emergency Transplant

July 3, 2003. White House resident Bush suffered a horrendous spontaneous injury after a lifetime of cheating, lies, and hypocrisy caught up with the pea-sized fragment of fecal matter that Bush recently assigned to the position of Top Gun's Royal Conscience after he heartlessly sacked Jiminy Cricket, whose sole but egregious offense was expecting Bush to have morals and act justly.

It seems that Bush's tiny little mind became overwhelmed after a steady political diet of making statements like “I'm a compassionate conservative who wants equal rights for everybody.” Or “I want to see Blacks and Whites treated equally in a colorblind American society.” Or “Tax cuts for the rich stimulate the economy and magically help the poor.” Or “Tax-cutting the New Deal social safety nets out of existence is good for America.” Or “We are not invading Iraq to bust OPEC and control the oil spigot to Europe and Asia.” Or “The invasion of Iraq is all about Saddam's WMDs that we were 100% sure existed before the invasion, but we are now claiming that all Saddam had was a WMD 'program' and that we never expected to find as much as a trace of a WMD, especially a nuke-yoo-ler WMD.” Or “Before the invasion, we claimed that it would be a 'cakewalk' and that the Iraqis would welcome us as liberators with litanies of praise, candy, and flowers; now we're revising the past and present by claiming that we never expected it to be easy and that Americans should expect the occupation to be a long haul.”

The result of Bush's unconscious confrontation between hypocrisy and fleeting fragment of conscience resulted in a spontaneous combustion that lead to Bush's head exploding. He was immediately rushed for emergency surgery to NIH, where doctors swiftly grafted the head of a retarded chimpanzee in place of the charred remnants that were once Bush's head.

The surgery was followed up by a session of imprinting Bush's memories onto the biological neural networks of the retarded chimp: the intensive, grueling procedure took a full ninety seconds and reportedly bored the chimp to tears. Bush was released from the hospital shortly thereafter, reportedly feeling good as new.

Doctors are pleased with the results. “Well, the President looks about the same as he always did—except that he now has a greater range of human-looking facial expressions. He also looks a lot less vapid now than he used to. Another bonus is that he's now a lot smarter than he used to be: after surgery, he tested out with an IQ of 75. That's a whole 50% improvement over his previous score. Honestly, we couldn't be happier with the outcome.”

Laura Bush is reportedly purring over her handsome new Simian-in-Chief.