Bush, Blair Relationship Strained

March 26, 2003. The increasingly rocky relationship between George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair is causing grave concern to those around them.

A spokesman for Britain’s Labour Party lamented the situation. “Many of us in the Parliament became rather alarmed straight away when Tony started to take up with George. None of us could understand what a man in George’s position could possibly want with Tony, and we were suspicious of his motives. We’ve never said ‘boo’ to George, nor has he ever said ‘boo’ to any of us, but we were very concerned—we were worried that poor Tony would put himself into a position where he could lose a great deal without as much as a how-d’ye-do from George. We all tried to warn him off getting involved with an American—after all, they only have one thing on their minds: money. But Tony’s such a naïve, impulsive, upstanding young thing that it was impossible to keep him from entrusting himself unreservedly to George, expecting his loyalty to be repaid in kind. Unfortunately, George never lived up to Tony’s expectations. Of late, George has been very dismissive of Tony. He has wantonly put Tony in a very uncomfortable position where he has lost face in the Parliament—it could even cost poor Tony his job. You wouldn’t treat a dog that way. Of course, Tony is a grown man and partly responsible for his situation, but gracious knows he deserves better.”

Mr. Bush’s closest confidantes offered insights into his feelings for Mr. Blair. Condoleeza Rice observed, “Yesterday, George stopped by my office ostensibly to ask for some advice, but it was clear to me that he just wanted to justify himself to someone he thought would listen. He needed to hear his own voice.” Dick Cheney added, “Yeah, he did that to me, too. All he did was to go on and on about how needy and clingy Tony is, and doesn’t that justify him to get himself off the hook before Tony claws him under?”

The twosome themselves offered some brief remarks.

“I’ve been tearing my hair out,” whinged Mr. Blair, dabbing his red-rimmed eyes with a tear-soaked handkerchief. “I mean, before we got together, back when I was still available, George was so fervent. He seemed so dedicated to me. He kept talking about blue skies ahead and what a great team we’d be … but that’s all gone now. It’s like there’s this weird triangle between us now that Saddam’s come into the picture. Last week, as soon as [George] started seriously pursuing Saddam, it’s like he doesn’t even think of me at all anymore. All he can think of is chasing Saddam around, catching him, and spanking him. I pledged this man my loyalty, and for what? It’s in all the papers how he says he doesn’t feel he can rely on me. Me, who’s given him my everything! I risked everything for him only to be discarded on a whim. I … I feel so … so cheap, so used …”

Mr. Blair’s comments were interrupted by a bout of tearful sobbing.

“Would it take so very much time to send a dozen roses or some nice chocolates, you bum? Heavens, even a simple phone call every now and again would help!” the prime minister spluttered in despair between sobs.

Mr. Bush was invited to reply to these charges. “I don’t take no backtalk from nobody—‘specially not that Blair-bitch ho,’” Mr. Bush grunted as he strode past on his way to the war room. “Now, where at’s my cowboy hat?”

Democrats Hold Caucus to Change Name

March 21, 2003, New York City. The Democratic National Committee held a caucus earlier today to discuss changing the name of the party to reflect changes in the party's attitudes and behavior since the presidential election of 2002.

Although many potential names were debated to replace the now familiar name “Democrats”—including the “Wimps,” the “Do-Nothings,” and the “What, is there really another party aside from the Republicans?”—the most popular replacement name debated by participants by and large was the “Republican Toadies.”

“We almost couldn't use 'Toadies,'” remarked South Dakotan senator Tom Daschle, “I mean, it was looking like Tony Blair wanted it for himself. Y'know, as in 'Toady Blair.' But, in the end, Mr. Blair settled for the nickname, 'Bush Baby's Butt Buddy,' so we were able to call ourselves the 'Toadies' after all.”

Zoe Owens, Ph.D. philosopher and author of such introspectively religious books as “Jesus Holy Christ Almighty,” offered some observations on the day's proceedings. “I have been observing the Democratic party since before the 2000 presidential elections, and I find their actions mystifying. At no point did they offer a clear alternative to George W. Bush, a mistake that cost Gore the presidency. Throughout Bush's stay in the White House, they have continued along this same self-defeating path. They did not offer a clear alternative during congressional elections—and thus lost control of the Senate—nor did they oppose Bush's outrageous foreign or domestic policies, the domestic policy really being the foreign policy, after all.

“Now, Bush has succeeded in starting his little war on Iraq, much to the detriment of both nations. His stated answer to the American foreign policies that facilitated the formation of al Qaeda is to dig America deeper into the hole. He has chosen to aggravate a foreign relations problem that has been extant since the 50s and 60s—a problem that America was in striking distance of solving, if it chose; now, at best, it may take generations to resolve. And the problem is no longer limited to the Middle East—thanks to Mr. Bush's little war, America must mend fences with its allies, too.

“This is the time for Democrats, if they wish to continue as a viable political party, to take clear and decisive action. For one thing, they need to hold this administration's feet to the fire with respect to implementing humanitarian aid and rebuilding in Iraq. Judging from how Mr. Bush treats ordinary citizens at home, it is clear that he could not care less about ordinary Iraqis—if he were President of Iraq, the ordinary citizen would be at the mercy of large greedy monopolies, just as they are in America. So, it is really the responsibility of the Democrats to enforce the promises Mr. Bush made when he started this war.

“And, if they are smart, the Democrats will also work to discover the causes of 9/11 and begin to remedy them. They will also need to, as I said, start mending all those fences that Mr. Bush so enthusiastically destroyed with his words and his bombs. Until this happens, Americans will never be safe anywhere.

“If the American people are smart, they will call, e-mail, and write to their Democratic representatives and candidates and lead the grassroots push to take the country back from the neo-conservative proponents of plutocracy, American hegemony, and never-ending war. They will lead the grassroots way toward rebuilding the now-fractured global village. And they will remain vigilant about protecting their freedoms from neo-Hitlers that would seek to destroy them in the nebulous name of national security.

"For their sake, I hope that the American people in general and the Democratic party in particular wake up and smell the coffee.”