The Heartwarming Story of How Bush Found Jesus

May 21, 2003. Earlier today, Mr. Bush granted audience to those of his adoring public in the Christian right. He took the opportunity to regale his audience with the tale, now approaching legend, of how he found Jesus.

“Well, as some of you know, I used to drink up a storm. I could take on anybody, no matter what their poison, and match 'em drink for drink. Never stopped me from climbing behind the wheel of a car afterward, no matter how toasted-pickled-soused-blotto-drunk I was. As most of you probably don't know, I was even arrested and convicted for drunk driving, making me the first President I know of who's a convicted felon—and I'm proud of that fact, proud that, no matter how little I ever achieved or learned or read or traveled or knew or cared, that never stopped me from becoming President of the most powerful nation on God's earth. My pappy's good name and good money seen to that.

“Getting back to my days as a lush, it might seem like a glamorous life, and there's a certain machismo I used to feel from drinking that now I hafta get from bombing relatively defenseless Mideast nations. As you can imagine, I was headed for a world of hurt. I was killing off all my liver cells. Heck, I might even have been killing off brain cells, if I ever had any, or had any left by then—and people wonder why I look so vapid all the time. I coulda killed more than a few useless organs if I had ever gotten into a car wreck while driving drunk—I coulda killed my whole self! Now, don't gasp—you and me and the whole world are all relieved I pulled through that dark time of my soul to become President so's I could save the world from its worst enemies: trees, clean air, clean water, and poor people, by which I mean anyone poorer than me. But I digress.

“So, there I was, in my darkest despair, failing miserably at each job Poppy bought me and sneaking out with a golden parachute just before each venture went under. And I was drinking like a fish. And, one night, after a real kick-ass binge session, I was driving home and got pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. And the cops must not've known who I was because they threw me in the drunk tank just the same. But that was the best thing that ever happened to me because it was there, that very night, that I found Jesus.”

The crowd gasped, awed. Mr. Bush continued with his story. “Yep, right there in the drunk tank, I found Jesus. Sure 'nuff, he was there with me that night—I'll never forget it. He had this long skanky brown hair and a skanky beard and skanky brown sandals. When they locked me in the cell and I sat down and saw the guy, I said, 'Jesus Christ!' and he looked up, so I know it was him.

“'Jesus,' I said, 'What on earth are you doing here in the drunk tank with me, the future POTUS?' 'Man,' Jesus said, 'I guess I had a few too many. I was just trying to get home, and I guess I lost my way.' 'Jesus, don't you know where you are? You're in the Crawford, Texas drunk tank. You better get off the hooch and get back on the straight and narrow or you'll end up here again, or worse.'”

Bush paused, recollecting. “And that's about it. Just about then, the warden came and took Jesus away and put him into a different cell 'cause he said I was bothering him. And that, my friends, is how me, way back when I was still just POTUS-to-be, found Jesus and put him back on the path to goodness and righteousness.”