Bush Child Sex Scandal Throws “Re”-Election in Doubt
January 5, 2003. In a stunning turn of events that rocked the neoconservative Repubican party to its very foundations, George W. Bush was arrested today and frogmarched in handcuffs out of the White House, along with the rest of his administration. The allegations against Bush: possession of child porn and repeated sexual molestation of little boys. Consensual extramarital sex is an impeachable offense only for Democratic presidents; however, extramarital adult sex is not an impeachable offense for Republican presidents any more than corporate malfeasance or illegal drug use are punishable offenses for other Republican party members. Therefore, while a scandal of this proportion is not likely to effect impeachment proceedings against Bush (possibly because Bush doesn't qualify as President), the scandal has already resulted in legal prosecution proceedings against Bush—as well as those in his administration who aided and abetted him—and will almost certainly damage his chances at being elected in 2004.
While Bush stands accused of, among other things, possession of child porn and repeatedly molesting little boys, his administration has also been arrested for their involvement in the White House sex scandal that the media have lovingly labeled “Pedophilia-gate.” Based on footage from hidden videocameras placed strategically all over the White House, Karl Rove is known to have obtained, either by recruitment or more sinister means, the seemingly endless series of boys who mysteriously appeared under the desk of the Oval Office only to vanish equally mysteriously hours later. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are known to have held the arms of the frightened boys as Mr. Bush reprised his Yalie strip-tease in front of each boy before having his way with the child. Condi Rice was caught on videotape taking naughty pictures for Mr. Bush to enjoy later. The rest of the accused administration are known to have chanted rude, lewd cheers throughout the proceedings.
Only one child was brave enough to stand up to an exuberantly naked Mr. Bush and roundly declare, “The President has no clothes!” Oddly enough, that one child was enough to rouse the entire nation to the deceitful farce being enacted if not in front of their eyes then at least under their noses.
“It's times like this when the corporate religion of making a buck by selling dirty laundry collides head-on with the state-run media's sacred mission of spreading neoconservative propaganda,” seethed a livid Rupert Murdoch. “It took a scandal like this to snap the American media out of their subservient slumber of slavish service to the Bush administration and the Republican party,” he growled. “'Pedophilia-gate' has caused an unstoppable torrent of real news to reach the American public, and now they're questioning everything we're doing ... tax cuts for the rich at the expense of public institutuions ... starting illegal wars and privatizing the public institutions of the countries we take over with lucrative no-bid contracts ... conducting a democracy in name only by doing all the important work behind closed doors, not to mention everything we've done to squash debate and dissent in any and all forms ... merging church and state ... trashing the environment and civil rights and putting women, minorities, and the poor back in their place ... buying up world media distribution ... forcing the non-ruling classes of developing nations to live in desperate poverty and squalor ... not to mention the rest of the cheerful pandering to corrupt corporate cronyism and burgeoning corporate fascism we've been relying so heavily on an eager Bush administration to supply. Hell, they're even questioning Jeb's thievery of the 2000 election from Gore and whether the President, who clearly knew about 9/11, merely sat back and let it happen as an excuse to invade Iraq. Now that America knows what a prick their President is—and how he's screwed them and their children out of their future in order to fatten the wallets of super-rich people like me—there isn't a snowball's chance in hell they'll actually elect him in 2004.” He sighed, then scowled as he slammed a beefy fist onto the nearest table, “Dammit! This lucrative little gravy-train has been the sweetest con I've ever had. What the hell am I gonna do for a government stooge now?”
While the identity of the boy who came forward against Mr. Bush is being withheld from the public pending proceedings, lead investigator Detective I. Gotcha stated that the boy was in the best emotional and physical condition possible under the circumstances. When speaking of the boy's interview with police, Detective Gotcha added, “Everyone who spoke with the boy agreed that he was very credible.”
“This whole thing wobbles the mind,” sobbed the child's mother. “First, we couldn't trust Michael Jackson. Then, it was Catholic priests. But now ... well, if you can't trust a Republican to take good care of your child, then, golly-gee, who the heck can you trust?”
She paused to dab at a stray tear with a lace handkerchief before adding, “This was not at all what I expected when that nice Mr. Rove gentleman asked if my boy wanted to sit on Mr. Bush's lap ...”
