IRS Institutes Tax Reform

April 14, 2003. As reported earlier today on NPR, the IRS is pursuing waitresses, taxi drivers, and all other American workers who receive tips to report every penny of that income earned to the IRS so that it can be taxed properly. Mr. Bush offered his warm praise of the new efforts to educate and enforce wage income reporting and taxation: “Unlike my big poor multi-billion-dollar-a-year corporate buddies, Americans what get wages and tips in this great nation of ours have a responsibility to pay their taxes on those monies to support my happy little war effort and to give a helping handout to those less fortunate than them—like us rich white folks. Yep, I know it's hard to believe, but all them little waitresses and taxi drivers and fu-fu hair salon 'operators' and them other Joe Six-pack types is bankrupting this great nation of ours by selfishly withholding all them precious, valuable, shiny little pennies, nickels, and dimes for buying food and paying low-income rent and buying Walmart clothing and whatnot with. So, I'm real' happy that the IRS is finally chasing you deadbeats down for my money, and I can say with all due integrity: 'Pay up, deadbeats, or we invade you next.'”

Republicans Celebrate Consummation of America's Single-Party System

April 14, 2003. Shortly after the symbolic renaming of the opposition party from “Democrats” to “Republican Toadies,” the party now in power prepared to celebrate the consummation of the transformation of America's once dual-party system into the current single-party system. This transition has been marked by, in some cases, weak token efforts to win elections, Republican Toady senators and congresspeople expressing opinions that run contrary to votes ultimately made in support not of their electorate but of the nominal Republican opposition, and rolling over and playing dead instead of engaging the Bush administration in any kind of meaningful debate or dialog regarding non-violent alternatives to invading Iraq, bolstering the flagging economy, preserving veterans' benefits, ensuring social welfare at home, or, indeed, any other issues of import to their electorate.

The new single party, which is entertaining notions of calling itself the “Rich” party, is making no bones about whom and what it represents. Karl Rove, Paul Wolfowitz, and other Bush handlers were heard to congratulate themselves on this stunning new development that plays into their short and long term goals for the new American theocratic plutocracy and global hegemony promised to the nation's faithful in the Contract for a New American Century.

Bush Pooh-Poohs Pilfering of Iraq National Museum

April 13, 2003. Earlier this week, it was reported that the Iraq National Museum suffered looting, ransacking, and pillaging after Iraqi troops had been dispersed from Baghdad. Once the proud host of artifacts of the ancient cradle of civilization once known as Mesopotamia, Iraq's museum once boasted relics and antiquities claimed to date back over seven thousand years. But museum guards stood helplessly by as the treasures of the nation—and the world—were destroyed and carried off like carrion.

Scallion reporters called on Mr. Bush at the Oval Office and invited him to comment on the devastation of the museum. He sneered, harrumphed, mumbled something about sending a spokesman to speak to the reporters, and left. Shortly thereafter, a spokesman appeared and presented Mr. Bush's opinion about the ransacking of the museum's contents: “First of all, Mr. Bush resents you silly journalists for even bothering him with such trivia—you people should know by now that his only priority in Iraq is to liberate that nation's poor, downtrodden, browbeaten oil wells from that little brown despotic tyrant, Saddam Hussein. For one thing, it's not like the relics were even Christian or, at least, Texan. If it had been a museum of Jerry Falwell, or even Rush Limbaugh, Mr. Bush would have been more interested. You people should realize that Mr. Bush has better things to do than worry about those heathen, pagan knick-knacks. And even if Mr. Bush did entertain some hobbyish interest in faux-religious or historic bric-a-brac or whatever, he certainly wouldn't be interested in that Iraq National Museum crap. After all, those lying, oil-thieving, camel jockeys claim that that trash is over seven thousand years old when every good Christian knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that, according to the literal truths—God's own words, verbatim—recorded in the Bible, God created the world only six thousand years ago. Nothing existed before that. The universe hadn't even been born yet when those godless pagan trinkets were supposedly made. And every good Republican knows that the only fakes and forgeries the president fancies involve phony evidence linking Saddam Hussein to al Qaeda or to Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. So, get lost. Got get a life or something. And go read your Bibles next time before you even remotely consider pestering the leader of the free world with your petty falsehoods.”

With that, the spokesman left.

Terrorist Hijacking Goes Largely Unnoticed

April 11, 2003. Between PATRIOT acts and PATRIOT missiles, a terrorist hijacking has gone largely unnoticed in the United States of America. It is the hijacking of the United States of Americarcass. Who are the hijackers? The rich and powerful neo-ultra-conservatives. Criminals to the core, these terrorists buy and sell presidential elections like commodities. Worse, they feel entitled to impose their opinions and morals on the rest of the world with the force of “might makes right” domestic and foreign policies. Even more terrifying, many of these evil terrorist hijackers subscribe to fundamentalist religious mores that steer their decision making. Between the lust for filthy lucre and the undying thirst for power, these hijackers seek to oppress America and strip its citizens of their freedoms to serve their own perverted purposes, while claiming that their invasions of the nation's privacy is necessary in the name of national security from an unknown, indefensible threat.

These sinister hijackers have been aided and abetted in their efforts by their adoring bedfellows: the nation's media. Through deregulation, the once so-called liberal media have been assimilated into big moneyed corporate America. Since big corporate media are of the same mind as conservative America—make as much money for as little effort as you can and don't worry about the public's rights along the way—this love match ensures that the American public will only read, see, or hear news and reports approved by the party line.

In addition to the media, these sinister figures are aided and abetted by a surprising faction: the sleepily complacent American public, who can't be bothered to make their voices heard. Sometimes, these foolish people don't even exercise their constitutional right to vote; more frighteningly, however, the right to vote is often deprived from constituents—sometimes, without any prior warning or timely recourse. Pretty soon, with support from the vocal media and the willful or unwitting silent faction, the terrorist hijackers of Americarcass will have their way with the nation.

Hopefully, they'll be kind and considerate enough to leave some for the rest of us.

Embedded Media Enjoying Cribbing their Work

April 10, 2003. For months leading up to the American invasion of Iraq, commercial corporate media have been enjoying the free ride they've been getting from the Bush administration and its minions. As spring break nears, reporters and journalists have been doing less and less of their own work and relying more and more on crib sheets and old assignments and tests that have been loaned or sold to them by aides in the administration and the Pentagon. “This is totally awesome,” Peter Jennings said from his lounge chair in the sand as he kicked back with a cold one. “Who needs investigative reporting when you can just have some general-type war-meister dude just hand you a complete story? No fuss, no muss, no need to think or exert myself at all. Man, all I hafta do is take what epaulet-guy gives me, wire it to my editor, and I'm outta there—done for the day. Time to go pound some brewsky!”

This sentiment was echoed again and again by reporters and journalists from all over American commercial corporate media, including the Washington Post, the New York Times, CNN, Fox News, and so on. Unfortunately, it was impossible to obtain further comments because all further questions were drowned out by wild shrieks of “Par-TAY,” loud whoops for the females to expose their breasts, and vociferous calls for more beer.