Not worth savingWe never had much
But we had each other
Mama, my brother, and me
and Nana and Papa, too
Nana and Papa’s house is old
So old it creaks and groans
making noises that scare our friends at night, but we like them
because we know the old house is talking to us
Happy for our company
With so many of us living, laughing inside its walls,
it is never lonely
We love our house
We think it’s pretty
with its broad porch and windows shiny like jewels and its fancy tile roof
(although some of the tiles are missing)
Our house looks like a Halloween haunted house – very, very old
Except that our house is friendly and nice
We love it a lot
Some people say it is a small house
but we don’t think so
We like to share the bedrooms because then we are all together
We hear each other breathing when we go to sleep
and the house makes its own little noises to coo us to sleep
One time I wanted a doll
Mama said she couldn’t afford to buy one at the store
so she made me a doll
all by herself
She carved the doll out of wood, just like Papa showed her
and she painted on a pretty face with big dark eyes and smiling red lips
she sewed the doll a pretty dress
out of scraps of fabric
Mama gave me the doll
She apologized that it was not from the store
Mama didn’t know
that it was the most beautiful Doll I had ever seen
Much, much prettier than any doll from the store
because Mama had made it all by herself
just for me
Because it looked just like us
Real
When big brother and I started school
Mama said she couldn’t afford to buy us new clothes
Sometimes, she would pick out new clothes for us
from the rich people’s trash
Then she would take them home and patch the holes
and wash them until they smelled like summer
Mama doesn’t know
how soft and comfortable those clothes are
Mama doesn’t know
that her love makes those clothes clean and new
And we are proud to wear them
wherever we go
We try to make sure Mama knows that
Mama works hard
She works and works
all day while we are at school
all night while we are in bed
She comes home before we go to school and leaves again before we get home
We eat breakfast together
and give her hugs and kisses before school
Mama wears a pretty white outfit to work
with a little white cap that has a little cross on it
We don’t understand what she does, but we know that she helps people who are hurt
Nana and Papa take care of us
while Mama works
Sometimes, Mama says she can’t afford to buy enough food
Mama doesn’t know
that we are so thankful for what we have
We pray
when we wake up
when we go to bed
when we sit down to eat
when we go to church on Sunday
We pray to Baby Jesus because we are so thankful
So thankful
for her
for our pretty house
for our nice clean clothes
for my Doll
So thankful that we live with her and Nana and Papa and each other
in our wonderful talking house
We are so happy that I think we must be rich
Mama gives my brother and me her breakfast
She doesn’t eat anything herself
She pretends she’s full, pretends she’s not hungry
Mama doesn’t know
that we see how much she gives us
that we see how she gives us things she really needs for herself
Or maybe Mama does know
and she is just hoping that we don’t know
I don’t know
Some people say we are poor
Poor and Black
I don’t know what that means
I ask Mama
She says we are poor because we don’t have a car
I don’t understand
Why would we need a car when we have feet
and running is so much fun?
Mama says we are poor because we don’t have new clothes
But our clothes are new, and they smell clean and good
and they are soft and nice and don’t have any holes
even if we didn’t buy them from a store
Mama says we are poor because we can’t afford to fix our house
That makes me sad because I didn’t know our house was broken
I thought all it needed was for us to live in it and love it
I hope some day we will be able to fix our house
When I get big, I will work like Mama so I can make money so we can fix our nice house
and I will take care of Mama for a change instead of her always taking care of me
Mama smiles
I think for a minute
Mama, what does it mean to be Black?
It means that we have dark skin
White people have light skin
I laugh
It is funny
So funny for people only to notice different skin color
and think that it makes people bad or good
Why not brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes, black eyes, gray eyes?
Brown hair, red hair, blond hair, black hair, gray hair?
White teeth, yellow teeth?
Why only skin?
Why only color?
Why not age or height?
Why not what people do
whether they are nice to other people?
What a silly joke
But Mama isn’t smiling any more
It’s not a joke
It is bad to be Black
Much harder to pay for school, to get a loan, to get a job, to make money
harder to keep the money you do make
Harder to feed your family
and keep a roof over your head
than if you are White
But, Mama, some of the people who live here
They have light skin
And they don’t have cars
or bigger houses than ours
or fancier clothes
Are they poor, too?
Are they poor Whites?
Yes, but there are many more poor Blacks
especially around here
in the South
in New Orleans
But, Mama
I don’t understand
We have everything we need
How come we are poor
when you work all night and you work all day?
Honey, I wish I knew
But I can tell you this much
Everything costs too much money these days
and, even though I work and work, I don’t make enough money to pay for things
Because they are so expensive
My salary doesn’t go up as fast as all the prices do
in fact, it hardly ever goes up at all
We don’t make enough to live on, but the government says we make too much
for them to give us any help
I don’t understand the part about Mama’s celery
or the dove-or-mint or how they would help us
but I understand the rest:
Black people have to work very, very hard
but, if the prices of things go up faster than they can make money
Blacks will never get rich
This makes me sad because I want to be rich
so I can take care of Mama and Nana and Papa and big brother
Mama sees that I am sad, so she hugs and kisses me
She smiles
I smile, too, because, maybe if big brother and I work together,
we will make enough money to take care of Mama and Nana and Papa.
One day not long ago
But sometimes it feels like forever
The rains came
and the winds howled
worse than I had ever heard
Our house is shaking and groaning
I think it is scared of all the rain and wind and thunder and lightning
just like I am
I am glad Mama is home and not working
The lights went out
I was scared
Mama lit some candles
Big brother turned on his radio
the kind with batteries
We listen to the radio
as the rain and the wind and the thunder and the lightning scream at us
Scream at our house
and pelt it with themselves
I pray to Baby Jesus
and cuddle my pretty Doll to my chest
I don’t want her to be as scared as I am
We listen
The man on the radio said
Hurricane
I’m old enough to know
that a hurricane is a really bad storm
The man on the radio said
Katrina
I think Katrina is a pretty name
Does the man on the radio think that giving the hurricane a pretty name
will make it be nicer to us?
Make it rain less and thunder less and lightning less?
Then the man on the radio said a word I didn’t understand
Evacuate
Big brother understood it
I guess I will learn it next year in school
but I ask Mama anyway
What does it mean?
It means that the man on the radio is telling us to leave our home
because the storm is so bad
But how can we leave? Where would we go?
Mama says
We have no way to leave because we have no car
Nana and Papa are too old to walk, and you are too young
I don’t know where we would go if we could
We will just have to stay here
and hope for the best
and pray
I pray some more to Baby Jesus that He will keep us all safe
I don’t feel well
Somehow, I don’t remember
The water started to come into our house
And we kept going up the stairs, up the stairs
Mama carried me so tightly I couldn’t really see
what was going on
I just remember going up more and more stairs
We must have gone up to the tippy top of our old house
But I could feel some wind
Some rain on my face
Mama held me close to her chest
Just like I held my Doll
But I could tell it was daylight outside
I don’t know how
Somehow, I don’t know when
it may have been days later
I was feeling sick, Mama says because we had no food or water
we got onto a boat
with a loud motor
Mama clutched me tight
I couldn’t even see big brother or Nana or Papa
Did they get into the boat alright?
They took us to a place
so crowded full of people
that there was barely room for Mama to sit down
with me in her arms
This place smells
worse than anything else I have ever smelled
Not like our nice clean bathroom
so much worse
that it makes my stomach sick
Where is big brother? Where is Nana? Where is Papa?
Thank God, they are all here, Mama says
but Papa is hurt, and nobody has any bandages or medicine for him
and you are sick because you need food and water
I wish I had something to give you, but all we can do for now is pray
Mama, can’t we make something to help Papa?
Can’t we use part of my dress?
Or even Dolly’s dress
You wouldn’t mind sharing with Papa, would you, Dolly?
No, sweetie, I’m afraid Papa needs more than we can give him
Just keep praying
Pray to Baby Jesus
I pray as I fall asleep in Mama’s arms
I have heard so often about Heaven
I know I have to be good to get there someday
This place is awful
So awful that it must be the opposite of Heaven
We must be in Hell
Did we die in the hurricane while we were back in the house
while I was asleep in Mama’s arms?
But I don’t think we did anything bad
I don’t remember doing anything bad
I’m sure Mama can’t have done anything bad
because she is too busy working and taking care of us
I’m sure Nana and Papa and big brother never did anything bad
so I can’t imagine why
we would be in Hell
But it looks like Hell
And it smells like Hell
And it sounds like Hell
People are screaming and crying all day and all night
Pain, fear, hunger, anger
We have to poop and pee
on the floor
There isn’t even any toilet paper
It is not clean and nice
like our house
I am afraid for our house
I hope it is not sick
like I am
I hope it is not scared and lonely
I hope it knows that we want to come home
I just thought of something
I hope it is still there when we do go home
What if the storm broke it?
What if it is even more broken than Mama says it used to be?
What if we can never fix it?
I am scared
I cry
Mama rocks me in her arms
until I fall asleep again
Mama hasn’t let go of me since we came here
I hear her talking to a man
He tells her about something bad that happened to his wife
He used a word I don’t understand
Rape
He said his wife was raped and then stabbed to death
He is crying
She must have been very nice
if he is crying so hard
Why would someone want to hurt her?
He is crying that there isn’t even any way he can bury her
She was struck down like an animal
She died like an animal
And we are living
barely living
like animals
There is no food
it has been days now
I don’t know how many
No food, no water, no bandages or medicine for Papa
Even big brother is crying
and he never, ever cries
The man says that there are guards outside who will shoot
anyone who tries to leave
They claim it is for our own protection, the man says
He sounds angry and sad
He says the guards won’t let anybody in to take pictures
of how bad it is here
I don’t know why anyone would want pictures
of this awful place
He wants to know how the rest of his family are
if anyone is still alive
but nobody knows, nobody will tell him
especially not the guards
The man and Mama are talking
Talking about the newspapers
they had read through the years
George W. Bush cut taxes for the rich
taking away money that families like ours need to survive
money for food
money for people who don’t have nice clothes and houses like we do
Taking away money that could have stopped some of the water
not all of the water, but Mama says it would have saved a lot of lives
George W. Bush made war on Eye Rack
sending poor kids, lots of them Black, with no other way to make a living
off to die in the desert, away from their families
without even the bullets or armor to protect themselves
Spending even more money that families like ours need to survive
to make Halliburton and the oil companies even richer
while the poor kids die alone in the desert
George W. Bush made war on the Poor
The man says to Mama
that Mister Bush could have told
the buses and trains to take us from our homes
before the floods from hurricane Katrina hit
He could have made sure we got out safely and went to somewhere safe
cleaner and nicer than this Hell
He could have made sure we got food, water, medicine
But the food, water, and medicine are all going to the soldiers
Men with guns who are paid to protect the buildings
and shoot the people
Soldiers paid to kill the people who lived through the hurricane
George W. Bush refuses
to accept foreign aid
even though we really need
the doctors from Cuba and the cheap oil from Venezuela
He hates those countries because they take such good care
of their poor people
This makes me so sad
I’ll bet that the doctors from cube-ah would have medicine and bandages
for Papa
I wish they would come here anyway
The man says to Mama
our devastation is Mister Bush’s proof that everything is going according to plan
The worse it is for us, the better he likes it
If we die, if we are driven out of our homes
his rich friends get to put up luxury high-rises, casinos
Gentrification
at tax-payer expense
Eminent domain by fiat of Hurricane Katrina
Mister Bush made sure everything got fixed in Florida
after their hurricanes
Right away everything got fixed, good as new
He overcompensated Florida
because he wanted their votes
Mister Bush didn’t even help New Orleans
get ready for this hurricane
And now he isn’t doing anything to help us to live
now that it is over
Instead, he traveled here, he traveled there
all over the country (except to us here in Hell)
giving speeches on everything but this hurricane
and having his picture taken
Smiling and joking
while some rice lady went to New York
and bought expensive shoes
and went to see expensive plays
Mama said
Mister Bush could have been a hero to New Orleans
He could have saved us
but he decided to do nothing, just let us live or die
and bleed and starve
and fend for ourselves like animals
Worse than animals, the man says
The War on the Poor is going according to plan
The man and Mama cry together
The man and Mama said how Eye Rack wasn’t even a danger to us
I don’t understand much of what they are saying
but I understand that George W. Bush must not be a very nice man
if he gives money to people who don’t need it
when sometimes Mama can’t even buy us all food
even though she works day and night
I don’t understand war, but I know that it is bad
I wonder if Eye Rack is a country full of people
now living in Hell
just like we are
George W. Bush must not be a very nice man
if he thinks it’s nice to hurt other people
who Mama says
never hurt him
Mama says that, because we are poor and Black,
George W. Bush doesn’t think we are worth saving
Not worth saving?
Baby Jesus died to save all of us
Baby Jesus died to save poor Blacks, rich Blacks, poor Whites, rich Whites
even George W. Bush
I don’t understand this at all
If Baby Jesus thinks we are worth saving
why doesn’t Mister Bush?
-
Amy O’Brien, 8 September 2005