The Scallion

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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

For more news you can use, remember to check out this short list of fine sources for news stories almost surely absent from the nation's mainstream commercial media:

http://www.democracynow.org/
http://www.alternet.org/
http://www.jimhightower.com/ and the weblog http://hightower.fmp.com/weblog.php
http://www.prwatch.org/ and its archives http://www.prwatch.org/prwissues/index.html
http://gregpalast.com/
http://www.thenation.com/outrage/index.mhtml?bid=6

And now, for the week's top stories ...

“Old Friends” Simon and Garfunkel Tour Rocks Washington D.C.

December 16, 2003. Breaking a twenty-year hiatus on refusing to perform together in public, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel's “Old Friends” concert tour rocked an enthusiastic crowd at the MCI Center in Washington, D.C. last night. The concert opened with a photo montage on the “diamond vision” screen. Shown in silence, the first photo was of the now-62-year-old artists shortly after they met as sixth graders. As the folk-rock musicians performed “Old Friends (Bookends Theme),” the photo montage continued with images of the boys and the nation growing up during the 1960s and 70s: positive memories of the psychedelic tie-dye era, protests for women's rights and other freedoms, a sky-written peace sign, the rear view of a nudist parade, the first man on the moon, and familiar icons from pop culture, including the sizable afro sported by Art Garfunkel during filming of the movie “Catch-22” in Mexico. Early classics like “Hazy Shade of Winter,” “At the Zoo,” and “America” followed (“Punky's Dilemma” and “Save the Life of My Child” were conspicuously absent). The first-rate back-up band featured a pyrotechnic guitarist, an equally electrifying keyboardist, and the kind of tight ensemble work one just doesn't hear at the average concert. They even had a theremin.

In the middle of the show, Simon and Garfunkel performed a song from their first album, which they made at age 16 under the pseudonyms “Tom and Jerry.” Amazingly, they sounded just like their 16-year-old selves as they reprised that early number: hearing it was eerily like being in a momentary time warp. Amid good-humored banter, the pair explained that, as they recorded that song, they were trying to make their voices sound like those of the Everly Brothers—their childhood heros—when who should walk out onto stage but Don and Phil Everly to thunderous applause. The Everlys sang “Wake Up, Little Susie,” “Dream, Dream, Dream,” and “Let It Be Me” and were joined by Simon and Garfunkel for “Bye Bye, Love.” While the lead Everly didn't seem to be feeling his best (who cares—he was there, and it was a thrill to see and hear both Everlys ... thank God the show must go on!), his brother's sweet harmonies sounded as delicious as ever, and it was a real treat of living history to see those four performers belt it out on the same stage.

The concert included familiar hits, like “Mrs. Robinson,” “Scarborough Fair,” “El Condor Pasa,” “Sound of Silence,” “American Tune,” “I Am a Rock,” “Homeward Bound,” “Keeping the Customer Satisfied,” “A Most Peculiar Man,” “Slip Slidin' Away,” “The Only Living Boy in New York,” and others. Art Garfunkel's electrifying vocals in the finale, “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” gave listeners chills. For the first encore, they played “Cecelia” and “The Boxer”; for the second, they played “Kathy's Song,” “Leaves That Are Green (Turn to Brown),” which they hadn't performed in public since 1967, and “59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy).”

While they almost seemed to need to warm up as they started the show, they sounded better and stronger with each piece they performed. It was surprising to see Art Garfunkel (in his familiar black vest) with a fuller head of hair than Paul Simon! While Paul Simon played and sang as powerfully last night as he ever has, it was extraordinary to watch Art Garfunkel's face as he sang: he seemed transported almost to a higher realm of consciousness, taking the audience right along with him. What an amazing symbiosis: without one, the other's talents would necessarily have been diminished. Simon's complex musical poetry needed Garfunkel's angelic voice; Garfunkel's angelic voice was best showcased by Simon's complex musical poetry. Since the three-hour concert passed all too quickly, fans can only hope to hear more from these much-missed Old Friends again soon.

(For an Associated Press article on the “Old Friends” tour, see http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1066403955569_61813155/?hub=Entertainment; for S&G song lyrics, see http://www.yimpan.com/Songsite/Lyric/index.asp?aid=323&page=1&pagesize=20)

Scallion News Flash: U.S. Troops in Iraq Successfully Capture Biggest War Criminal

December 14, 2003. Earlier today, U.S. troops proudly reported the successful capture of the single greatest perpetrator of crimes against the Iraqi people: George Bush. Bush was found cowering in a tiny, underground hidey-hole that had been stocked with canned meats to last for some duration. “We also found $750,000 US stashed in Bush's tiny hideout, along with a pair of red pajamas, some porno magazines, and what was obviously a personal supply of cocaine,” explained Lance Corporal I. Shutem. “Of course, my platoon is holding onto everything we found in the hideout so far—have to examine it all thoroughly, you know ... very thoroughly. May take us months to do all the forensics on those pornos—maybe longer—not to mention the cash and the cocaine. Come to think of it, I don't know if those items will ever be released for public examination.” Shutem paused. “Well, I'd better get back to it—more searching to do, more floorboards to tear up.” He added, “If we find anything half as good as what we found this morning, our take will have made this war almost worth it for me and my platoon buds.”

Bush's capture comes some months after the death of his two favorite sons, George W. and Jeb. The controversy continues surrounding the decision of the American military or top government official(s) who prevented the capture and questioning of Bush's crime family heirs and right hand men by having the brothers killed by a vicious missile attack as the they haplessly amused themselves in a civilian home.

Millions of thankful Americans continue to express their deepest gratitude to the U.S. military for liberating the people from the tyranny, oppression, corruption, and other abuses perpetrated upon ordinary civilians in his own and neighboring countries—especially women, children, ethnic minorities, and the poor—by the Bush family, their Republican political party, and their wealthy corporate supporters, weapons suppliers, and financial backers at home and abroad. Meanwhile, after prisoner Bush has undergone sufficient numbers of suitably humiliating and well-publicized shaves, haircuts, and physical examinations, he will be subjected to an international trial expected to air every last scrap of his crime syndicate's dirty laundry to the American public—provided that he doesn't have a well-timed fatal heart attack or conveniently commit suicide in prison.