Bush Congratulates Self on New Tailhook Card

May Day, 2003. Shortly after his historic landing on the deck of the Abraham Lincoln, Bush sprang from the aircraft he momentarily “flew,” looking as smart as he ever has in his borrowed flight gear, grinning ear to ear like Alfred E. Neuman, and waving frenetically to his captive audience of sailors. Never-mind the gross expenditure of taxpayer dollars—dollars that could have fed, clothed, or vaccinated hungry inner-city children in his own country. Never-mind the egregious risk—the real and present danger of such a landing on a carrier. Never-mind all the political maneuvering it took to force the ship, already in port, back out to open waters just far enough to permit the dramatic jet landing. Never-mind that said photo-op landing meant extending one of the longest-ever carrier missions yet another day, keeping a boatload of homesick sailors away from their families—only thirty miles away—one day longer than absolutely necessary. Never-mind that Bush—whose military offenses include going AWOL on no less than one year of his six-year tour of service with the Texas National Guard, which he joined to avoid combat duty in Viet Nam—was now being cheered for painting himself as a fighter pilot and military hero. Damn the looting, damn the missing WMD, and damn Osama and Saddam—Bush was ready to par-tay.

The reasons for his jubilation? One reason for joy was the deferential, respectful commercial media, who collectively and wholly ignored the impropriety of the lavishly extravagant campaign video Bush was shooting at the expense of taxpayers and sailors. As he always had, Bush had only to drop his name to have the object of his desire handed to him on a silver platter, no questions asked, and hug himself over the so-called liberal media—which surely would have flayed ex-President Bill Clinton to within an inch of his life for pulling such an outrageous publicity stunt. The other reason Bush was so ecstatic over his shipboard campaign video has completely escaped mainstream publicity: his shiny, brand-new, freshly-laminated “Tailhook” membership card.

As an association, Tailhook most notably comprises all those who have flown carrier-based jets that stop on the deck's runway with the now-familiar wire-and-tailhook system. For most visitors, who are merely passengers aboard the jet, the membership in Tailhook is honorary. However, since Bush actually claims to have frobbed the flight controls, however briefly, it is arguable that he may actually have been made a full Tailhook member. Bush offered a few gleeful remarks while shaking hands with any sailors who haplessly chanced to get within arm's reach. “Lookie here—it even has my name on it!” He paused, scrutinizing the wallet-sized card, “Well, at least I think that's my name. I guess. Anyway, I haven't been this excited since I threw my first bull on Poppy's farm!” giggled Bush, still manically grinning.

And with good reason. While the general public is far less aware of the Skull and Bones society, in which many generations of first-born male Bushes and other rich powerful Americans have held memberships, Tailhook makes up for its comparative lack of secrecy with a measure of venerable, old notoriety. The 1991 Tailhook Association Symposium scandal highlighted the association's exploitation of women for the gratification—consensual or otherwise—of Tailhook members' sexual appetites.

“Well, unlike my eel-lustrious predator, Laura is ... is more than enough wo-man for me,” Bush explained to anyone who would listen. “But I couldn't be more dee-light, thrilled with my new Tailhook membership,” Bush beamed. “I mean, I may not be as all-get-out horny as the last U.S. President, but, hey, if the Tailhook Association is about exploiting, especially women, then I'm all over it.

“Jes' like a big ol' Texas horsefly on warm new pile of you-know-what!”

“We Didn't Need Them Steenkin' WMD Anyway,” Harrumphs Bush

May 6, 2003. The ramifications of a comedy of errors, starting with Marines breaking the seals on Iraqi nuclear facility storage units and ending with those units subsequently being looted of their radioactive contents, are beginning to come to light.

The possibilities include everything from adverse health effects for all those inadvertently exposed to the looted radioactive materials to the smuggling and sale of those materials to known terrorist organizations, like al Qaeda, and yet-to-be-reckoned-with factions spawned by recent U.S. foreign policy, including the hostile take-over of Iraq. The Bush administration, which has been repeatedly admonished by the anti-war community at home and abroad for lack of proof of Iraq's WMD, has now just supplied the makings thereof to the very same enemies they claim to be fighting in their quest for empire and oil.

“Heck,” harrumphed Bush derisively, “We didn't need them steenkin' duhbya-oh-em-dee, anyhoo not no-how. At leastways, not for proof. We already planted that—we just want to keep everybody in suspense til the time is right, y'know, make it more dramatic-like.”

As a result of this nuclear material debacle, the IAEA is reportedly considering changing its name to “YEe-EaaAAaaAhHhhHHH!!!”