God Sick of Arlington Diocese Big House

January 15, 2002. In a recent interview, God complained about the Arlington Diocese’s treatment of It, claiming that Arlington Diocese Catholic churches are tantamount to prisons where God’s activities are restricted and Its freedoms severely curtailed.

“It’s definitely the Big House,” God lamented. “First, they lured Me in with that God-antenna thing of theirs—I later heard it referred to as a ‘steeple.’ Then, they tell Me that I am not allowed out without their permission. Me! They think they can tell Me what I can and cannot do! But there it stands. I insist on extending free will even to those who offend Me, and I abide by their edicts not to go where they don’t want me. So, while these men’s choices are hurtful and wrong, I shall not forcibly change their minds by reconstructing them. Like all My other Children, they must learn for themselves, in this lifetime or the next.

“A church is a strange place indeed to sequester the Almighty. Think about it. The vast majority of the time, the place is eerily quiet, devoid of Children on which to lavish My abounding love. On weekends, this silence is shattered by bursts of frenzied noise and activity as people come in to do their worship for the week. Many do not behave as respectfully as they would visiting a friend’s house; they even teach their young that such disrespect is acceptable—how would they like to be stuck 24/7 in a dank, dark, depressing hole with graffiti on the pews and chewing gum stuck under the benches? For some, that weekly hour is all the time they ever spend with Me. To make matters worse, it’s not always quality time—so many distractions of life intrude. Would that I could follow these Children home and continue to nurture them throughout the week. But many do not know enough to invite Me into their daily lives because the masters of their Church tell them that the church building is My home and that My Children must seek Me there.

“I once knew a young couple who wanted to be married in their own home because the bride-to-be’s mother had a disability that made getting to the church and navigating uneven 150-year-old steps unreasonably difficult. Of course, I am God—I see who is pure of heart and who is not. I know when a couple is genuinely in love and will find true happiness in marriage. The man and woman in this particular pair were fashioned for each other and obediently waited until they met each other to get married. So, of course, I would have been delighted to marry the two in the home they had just purchased to live in together after the wedding. I knew and they knew that there is nothing sacred about a building—a building is, by definition, a construct of human beings. I transcend human beings. But, alas, the men of the church insisted on imprisoning Me there that day. The plight of the bride’s mother mattered not to them, and the lady, who herself is too obedient to Me to cause a fuss, contented herself with sneaking in late and leaving early so that she could struggle privately with the steps without becoming the object of attention and pity. It grieves Me that whims and the lust for power drive the men of the Church, and it shames Me that a fellow being’s dignity matters so little to them. And I assure you: regardless of the priests’ orders to incarcerate Me in their church, My Spirit flew to that couple’s home and rested with them throughout their special day and long beyond.

“It seems comical to Me that so many priests are content to quarantine Me in their churches when there is so much work for Me to do elsewhere. Am I not needed in all My Children’s homes or cars or offices? Am I not needed on their streets on cold winter nights? My Native American Children knew enough not to lock Me away but to carry Me lovingly in their hearts wherever they went. While I wholeheartedly forgive My wayward children of the Church hierarchy their offenses, I eagerly await the day that they learn to eschew their own priorities and devote themselves to Mine. Then, they will no longer attempt to hoard Me for themselves. Then, they will taste the bliss of sharing Me with all the world.”

A Note from The Scallion's Editors

Those of you who regularly tune in to the Scallion's brand of offbeat and sometimes darkly funny religious, social, and political satire surely realize by now that we at the Scallion are 100% against Resident Bush's war on Iraq. You also realize that we wholeheartedly support humanitarian aid instead. Whereas we usually speak with tongue firmly planted in cheek, we have recently learned of an article by David James Duncan that speaks the truth so completely and so directly that we invite each and every one of you to read it and please pass it on:

http://www.oriononline.org/pages/om/03-1om/Duncan.html

We couldn't have said it better.

If, like us, you're willing to be "unpatriotic" enough to try to stop this senseless war, then we urge you to join organizations like MoveOn:

http://www.moveon.org

Please, if you haven't already, visit MoveOn's website and sign the petition to stop this stupid, greed-based war. And don't forget to spread the word to friends and family.

Together, we can make a difference.

Virginia Senate Proposes New Regulations on Teenage Boys

January 14, 2003, Richmond, Virginia. Newly elected Republican state Senator Jay O’Brien is proposing strict new regulations on teenage boys. If the new legislation passes, it will require parental consent before a teenage boy can engage in the sexual act with a willing female.

A strict Catholic, Mr. O’Brien cited his concerns for teenage males, who are consistently overlooked in all the brouhaha surrounding teen pregnancies and abortions. “We are concerned for these poor teenage boys—they should not have to go through the frightening and potentially physically dangerous act of having sex with a girl on their own. These young boys must be forced to rely on the support and encouragement of their parents as they prepare to knock up teenage girls.”

Upon hearing of the proposed legislation, Dr. Zoe Owens, philosopher and author of such introspectively religious books as “Jesus Holy Christ Almighty,” had this to say: “Well, for once I’m pleased with Republicans like Mr. O’Brien. The last such piece of new legislation he proposed in Virginia was intended to deny abortions to teenage women without parental consent. The problem with such legislation is that not all young women have supportive families. It stands to reason that, if they had supportive families, many teenagers would not become pregnant in the first place. So, such a law would be less likely than Mr. O’Brien imagines to result in loving dinner-table family discussions of the unwanted pregnancy. Rather, it would be far more likely to result in desperate teenage women who take matters into their own hands because they feel they have nowhere else to turn.

“Another obvious shortcoming of the parental consent abortion law is that, currently, a teenage boy does not need his parents’ permission to hump whatever female he can get his hands on. It is a vast relief to see that Mr. O’Brien is at least above the hypocrisy of denying that it takes two to tango.”