Religious Zealot Totalitarian Leader Threat to World Peace; Faces International Action

February 24, 2003. New York, New York. At an emergency session of the United Nations Security Council, members briefly debated and swiftly passed a resolution condemning a fellow world leader as an evil, imperialistic, ultraconservative, fundamentalist religious zealot—a man feared by many to be a ruthless dictator—guilty of living in undue privilege and affluence while oppressing the lower classes and especially women.

Part of an acknowledged axis of evil, the prime offender stands accused of making a mockery of modern democracy by rigging and falsifying elections; he has squandered public funds to put his cronies into positions of power around his nation. Many constituents suffering from this man's oppression decry that his business dealings prior to his stint in public office were marked by greed and corruption. Others lament his apparent desire to prostitute—and ultimately annihilate—the environment to satisfy his own avarice and grant favors to those who helped put him into power. Like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, this man watched his nation's economy plummet out of control. His proposed solution: further enrich the already rich. He is widely accused of manipulating his nation's media to promulgate his own propaganda and misinformation. If allowed to continue unchallenged, this man would proudly turn back the clock on women's rights in his country by over fifty years to assuage his loudly public religious beliefs—beliefs in a religion that stands athwart his personal history, solidifying his reputation as an unequivocal hypocrite. His intentions toward ethnic minorities are ambiguous at best. Publicly, he proclaims equal rights; however, his actions tend to erode the very rights of which he speaks, resulting in quips that the only minority he serves is his own: the wealthy and powerful minority of privilege.

Purported by some to be clever if not at all intellectual, he gives every appearance of mistrusting science and basic research—except to promote the military—in favor of religious dogma; his seeming ignorance of technology sparks rumors that he may grant powerful business monopolies the right to control the development and release of new technology as it suits them, even if that means halting the march of badly needed modernization by freezing his country's technology altogether. In direct contrast to his predecessors, he has taken steps to siphon public funds into religious organizations that teach approved fundamentalist dogma to the young. While he claims to be “compassionate,” he has overseen wholesale invasion of his citizens' privacy and decimation of their civil rights and liberties. He has jailed those he perceives to be a threat without access to legal representation—in some cases, prisoners not even charged with a crime may be held incommunicado indefinitely. Frighteningly, this public official has amassed a powerful military and all manner of weapons of mass destruction—worse, he shows every sign of having the itchiest trigger finger on the planet in over two decades. Impervious to negotiation and disdainful of public opinion at home or abroad, he gives every appearance of a man who lives in his own little private paradise, an arrogant, untouchable man who can't wait to start something—something that neither he nor his country may have the resources to finish.

Clearly, say world leaders and demonstrators, this man is a threat to world peace. He may attack any regime he can reach with his weapons on a whim, potentially destabilizing vulnerable parts of the globe. He is clearly a menace to his own people as well as the innocent civilians abroad he may arbitrarily attack. Surely, the people who are suffering the worsening oppression and impoverishment at the hands of this man would rejoice to be freed from his sadistic clutches. Truly, it was not without trepidation that the world community chose to confront this dangerous man, a man whose popularity ratings, if his sources are to be believed, outstrip those of the vast majority of his predecessors.

Despite the daunting challenges that face the world's proponents of true democracy, a small but determined coalition of world leaders stepped forward today to confront the tyrannical totalitarian whom they condemned: George W. Bush. In his axis of evil, Bush is aided and abetted by fiercely conservative fellow zealots Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. Rove especially primed the ci-devant Texas governor for his political journey to the White House and continues to shape his foreign policy of a militant Texanized America that other nations may only dare challenge at their peril.

“Of course, we intend to employ peaceful means wherever possible,” stated the coalition leader, French President Jacques Chirac, speaking through a translator. “But it may not be enough, so we are prepared to use force—whatever means necessary. This little man gives Napoleon a bad name. He flaunts every suggestion, directive, and resolution we give him. The world community understands the individual nation's sovereignty, but this man is infuriating! The United Nations must show some backbone and stand up to this insane little bully before he can do any real harm. We offer America the gifts she originally demonstrated to us French: liberty, equality, fraternity. There is no gift more timely or worthy than this.”