Lott Pasture-ized as Republican Senate Leader; Frist Offers Updated GOP Image

December 23, 2002. Amid jeers, gibes, and the tardy but effective wrath of his party, Mississippian Trent Lott has finally agreed to step down as Senate Majority Leader. Replacing him will be Tennessee Senator Bill Frist in an election that, while unusual, promises to be a mere formality. Senators and their spokespeople offered observations on the occasion.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, the incoming Senate majority whip and Frist’s right-hand man, lamented that the Democrats may rally to keep racial issues in the political forefront. "It's irritating," said McConnell, “that those whining liberal bozos actually give a damn about blacks and their problems. I wish they would all just go away. Us southern Republicans have better things to do than listen to all this namby-pamby flapdoodle and pretend like we agree—or care. Heck, I’d rather be pork-barreling … or at least bombing Iraq.”

Fellow Mississippi Republican Senator Thad Cochran also remarked on the upcoming change in Republican leadership. “Personally, I’m real sorry that it came at Trent’s expense. He’s a good ol’—I mean, good guy. And it’s not like he said anything we weren’t already thinking or didn’t agree with, including the administration. It’s just that we’re all smart enough not to say those things in public—it may be right, but it’s not politically correct. It only goes to show that it don’t pay to be an honest politician.”

He continued, “Even though the party’s fundamental views on blacks haven’t changed, we still need their votes. The President is leading a campaign to recruit blacks and other minorities into the Republican party. They’re such prolific breeders that we can’t afford to overlook their vote wholesale; otherwise, the Democrats might actually win another election someday, and none of us wants that. And, since they’re not too bright and their English ain’t too hot, we should have no problem fooling them into thinking that President Bush is a ‘compassionate’ conservative and that we Republicans will actually serve them in some nebulous way. Just like we did with women.”

Senator Cochran paused to wipe a waxing smirk off his face and stifle what sounded like a mirthless evil laugh. He resumed: “So, to achieve the President’s agenda on recruiting blacks and minorities, poor ol’ Trent has to take one for the team. The GOP may still be a bunch of narrow-minded, women-hating, self-righteous, jingoistic bigots, but we can’t afford to look like one any more. What we need is a new, updated image, and Bill Frist is the man what can give it to us.”

A spokesman for Senator Frist agreed, “Yes, Bill is definitely the man to represent the best and most popular of today’s Republican priorities: money, money, money, power, and money. Oh, and did I say money? Let’s not forget money. Just look at Bill’s outstanding track record with the homeland security bill. Single-handedly, he added a clause exonerating vaccine makers from any and all wrongdoing past, present, and future no matter how willfully negligent or lethally toxic their vaccines are. How relevant is that to homeland security? Not one whit, but it sure represents the priorities of the President and the party. Nobody else had the balls to pull a stunt like that but Bill. My hat’s off to him, for sure.”

He added, “Also, Bill did a super job of being the consummate opportunist without coming off like one. ‘Mr. Disinterested,’ my [butt]. He should get an Oscar for that performance. The President could take lessons from Dr. Frist in how look like a harmless little kitten while actually being a nasty old skunk.”

Lott, meanwhile, continued to kick a rock around from his chair in the corner while licking his wounds and whining that he had stepped into a carefully laid trap—by which he apparently meant every single public speaking opportunity during his political career—and that he wasn’t responsible for his downfall.

Oddly, nobody seemed to hear him any more.

Weapons Inspectors Tour Iraqi Baby Milk Factories

December 23, 2002. UN weapons inspectors in Iraq toured several facilities today that were described by the Iraqis as “baby milk factories.” As inspectors exited each facility, members of the press were invited in and given tours as well.

“See, we have no weapons here,” explained Farina Yabadabahubahuba-Ohcrapjumanji, an attractive, professionally dressed, forty-ish woman in a slim skirted suit and crisp white lab coat. “You walk here, yes? Here you see women—honored daughters of Iraq—hanging from their harnesses, giving milk into the so large vats. Here see the milk from the vats being fed to sweet little babies. Then, the babies get so big and strong, and we squeeze them. That is how we make baby milk for Saddam Hussein and his men drink. That is all we have here. No weapons, just baby milk.”

Press members who attended the tours saw nothing suspicious in any of the facilities to date. However, it is difficult at best for field reporters to conclude one way or the other about the veracity of Iraq’s claims regarding the mission of any of facility, since reporters have no technical background and are not experts either in weapons of mass destruction or in baby milk.