The Scallion

Disclaimer: this online political & social satire webzine is not suitable for the decerebrate (translation: our illustrious bonehead, his benighted administration, neo-ultraconservative Republicans, rabid Catholics, sheep, or their sympathizers) or for readers under age 18. As satirists, we take no responsibility if what we say is dangerously close to the truth. If you're under 18, stop reading this NOW & go turn yourself in to your Mommy for a well-deserved spanking, you no-good little whelp.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Highlights and Headlines from “Democracy Now!” ...

* Today's Top DN! Stories (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/30/1420232):
- Census: 44 Million Without Health Insurance in U.S.
- U.N. Staff Leaving Iraq After Bombings
- Israeli Panel Likens Refuseniks to Mutineers
- Arab Nations Call on U.N. to Investigate Israel's Nuclear Program

* Dean and Kerry Call For Rumsfeld to Resign (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/29/1459200)

* CIA Calls for Investigation of Outing (“Burning”) of Joseph Wilson's Wife (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/29/1459200)

* White House Rejects Demands by Congress Members for Independent Probe of White House Leak that Blew CIA Operative's Cover (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/30/1424234)

* NYT Claims Chalabi and Other Iraqi Defectors Provided Faulty Intelligence (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/29/1459200)

* U.N. Official: Iraqi Women Worse Off Now Than Before Invasion (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/29/1459200)

* U.S. Poverty Rate Jumps to 12%; 1.7M Fall into Poverty in 2002 (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/29/1459200)

* Brace Yourselves, California: Schwarzenegger Way Ahead in Polls; Recall Overwhelmingly Supported (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/29/1459200)

Bush's Welfare Program Update to America: “You Can Keep Your Baseball and Motherhood, But Keep Your *#$%^ Hands Off OUR Apple Pie!”

September 30, 2003. In an address to the nation, George W. Bush presented an update on the status and progress of his new Welfare program and policies.

“Well, this here new Welfare is going great guns,” Bush grinned vapidly. “Our population-control what is designed to keep down that pesky infestation of niggers and spics—but we affectionately call it “the war on terrorism in Afghanistan” and “the war on Iraq”—is doing even better than we expected. It's just plain amazing how many fresh-faced young boys and girls in uniform manage to get themself shot dead if we—oopsie daisy—just manage to give out, oh, maybe thirty Kevlar vests for every, oh, hundred troops. Yessiree, Bob, my new Welfare program is so successful that more toy soldiers have died after the war than during it!

“O'course, the domestic arm of Welfare is also kickin' major A. I'm pleased to announce that the poverty rate in our great nation has risen to a whopping wonderful 12%, and another one-point-seven million Americans have joined their rightful place in the poorhouse in 2002. If that don't float your boat and sell you on the success of my Presidency, I dunno what will! After all, my golf buds what were desperately suffering without that extra $80,000 in their stock mutuals clearly needed that money more than does some jungle monkey trying to pay the rent or buy Alpo for her five ill-legitimate chilluns. Let 'em live out of a cardboard box on the street and trash-pick for their dinner—that'll learn 'em. Builds character.

“But I digress.

“Alls I really wanted to say to the great stupider-than-me American public is this: we holier-and-richer-than-thou have graciously condescended to allow you to keep your baseball. And we've deigned to let you keep your Chevrolets and Hummers and your shit-ugly SUV vehicles what suck down all that yummy black Iraqi Saddam juice. And, by God, we're forcing you to keep your motherhood whether you like it or not. These all-American values should be more than enough recompense for us letting you park your sorry lower-and-average-income hides in our precious lily-white country. So, read my lips, American people: keep yer effin' weenie-skinners off'n our goddamn pie, and quit tryin' to mooch a slice off us deserving rich folks, like the greedy ungrateful bastards you all are! The American money pie is ours, all ours, and only ours—we stole it fair and square. And we ain't sharing, so quit asking and stop expecting. Get used to it, people. Maybe, if you're lucky, we'll leave you a few crumbs.”

The 2003 Media Awards

September 28, 2003. It's time again to award honorary and monetary prizes for best representatives of the media as well as for those people and events that serve the media.

The first 2003 Media Award is the Newsie. Last awarded in 2001, the Newsie was officially declared to be a tie among Osama bin Laden and the now deceased 9/11 hijackers, who lovingly provided the grateful American media with a plethora of news fodder that still shows no sign of abating—not to mention merchandising. The 2003 Newsie welcomes a new winner into the fold: Saddam Hussein. While half of 2003's Newsie still goes to Osama and the 9/11 hijackers, who provided the Bush administration with the convenient excuse to invade Iraq, Saddam Hussein richly deserves his share of the $500 award for providing a sufficiently malevolent and delightfully convenient target for American fears and hatred. Since, like his co-awardees, Mr. Hussein is unavailable to receive his award in person, it will meet the same fate as the 2003 award money: the committee of media representatives who selected the winners again plan to drink the awardees' winnings in a huge orgiastic beer-fest. Lookie, everybody—Saddam is buying rounds, and he didn't even know it!

The second award, the Rudee, is for America's rudest television. The 2003 award is too close to call. Candidates included intelligence-insulting reality shows like Joe Millionaire, the myriad incarnations of Survivor, or What Not to Wear as well as the redundancy of insultingly offensive commercials, like Tampax's latest gem in which girls passing tampons like notes in class are scolded by a male teacher: “I hope you brought enough for everyone.” Eww! (Arguably, with this coup, Tampax has surpassed even the ruggedly raw, crude offensiveness of its old commercial showing women at the 1969 Woodstock festival, including a nun waving a peace sign, with the caption “Tampax was here.” Genius! Kotex's cute little red bouncing period dot—the one that incites teenage girls to throw themselves at strangers—may be insulting and offensive, but it's almost out of its league when Tampax decides to take the stage and strut its stuff.) Unfortunately, there were so many worthy recipients of media's finest examples of just how stupid they think the American public is that the selection committee decided that it would be prohibitively expensive to distribute the prize money. Therefore, the 2003 Rudee prize money will be awarded to the selection committee to bolster the beer-fest fund. Woo-hoo!

This year, there's a new prize category in the 2003 media awards. New because there hasn't been need for it recently, the Smartee award flies in the face of the media's increasing attempts to restore traditional 1950s misogynist values by upending gender roles and flinging them on their collective ear. And the winner of the 2003 Smartee is ... Secret deodorant for their brilliant new commercial showing a gorgeous, beautifully dressed woman pulling over to change a flat tire for a babbling, helpless man. Because the Smartee award violates every cherished notion of the media's new goals under the Bush regime, the media representatives in the selection committee, eager not to bite the governmental hand that feeds them, dare not present the award or, indeed, acknowledge its existence. Therefore, the $500 Smartee prize money goes ... to the selection committee's beer-fest fund. Time to get busy pounding brewskis, guys—bottoms up!

Meanwhile, the cheap, injection-molded plastic awards—the Newsie's rolled-up newspaper with acrylic simulated doggie-drool, the Rudee's bird-flipping plastic model hand, and the Smartee's winking Einstein bust with oversized brain—will be placed on display with the 2001 media awards in the fluorescent-lighted display case in the basement, if anybody's interested.