Bush Accuses Saddam Hussein of Lying … Again

December 3, 2002, the Oval Office. Scampering around an unlikely assortment of priceless White House antiques and furnishings hastily swept together to form a makeshift war-game battlefield, Mr. Bush discussed his opinions of Saddam Hussein and the upcoming war on Iraq as he set up his toy soldiers and tanks and started playing with himself.

“I hear them reporters in the papers and the radio say that the Iraqis let the U.N. weapons inspectors go through one of Saddam’s presidential palaces. An’ they have the nerve to say there ain’t no weapons of mass destruction—duhbya, oh, em, dee—in there, even though they only looked for two hours. … Take that, bin Laden … Ka-pow, BOOM! My tanks have got you on the run, tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat … oh, ‘scuse me, where was I? Oh, yeah. Well, what could that dingbat Blix and his stooges have hoped to find in two hours? I mean, it’s not like they looked through all the harems and stuff. … I’ll say that for Saddam, boy, he sure knows how to live. Having your very own harem of young adoring curvaceously nubile women has just got to be too cool for school. … Gee, I sure wish they’d paint the White House walls all over with poems singing my praises. … Hmm, maybe after the next six years, they will.”

Pausing to scratch himself, Mr. Bush continued. “The way I see it, what we have here is a win-win scenario. For me, that is. And I’ll prove it. Let’s say that Saddam comes clean and declares that he does indeed have weapons of mass destruction. Then, I get to say, ‘Ha ha, look how Saddam’s been lying to the international community for all these years. Saddam’s deceitful ways make a travesty of international law’ or whatever other boring high and mighty gobbledygook that my aides write up for me to say. Or suppose that Saddam keeps on the way he’s been going and says his WoMD cupboards are bare. Then, I get to say, ‘Ha ha, look how Saddam is shamelessly lying to the international community and has been for all these years. Saddam’s deceitful ways make a travesty of international law.’ You get it? No matter what Saddam says or does, I get to say, ‘He’s lying.’ No matter what! And then, since he’s lying, I get to blow him off the planet with or without full U.N. backing. Nifty, huh? Talk about a slick trick to get rid of a foreign potentate we once put into power to suit our own purposes and then got bored with! Boy, I tell ya, Dad sure hired me some crackerjack advisors, I tell you what. Lemme drop that first bomb, that’s what I want for Christmas!”

Mr. Bush concluded his remarks by jumping up onto a gilded, marble-topped, 18th century French provincial table and yelling, “Look at me, I’m a Patriot missile! Whooooooooo-splat, ker-BANG—POW! Tough luck, Saddam, there goes one of your presidential palaces! Dooodl-oooodl-oooodl-oooodl-oooodl-oooodl-oooodl-oooodl, ka-BOOM! Whoops, there goes another underground bunker! You can’t run from me, Saddam, I’ll get you yet! Here come the tanks—tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat! You won’t get away from us Bushes this time, you little brown weasel …”