Soldiers Die While Bush's Hair Dyes
September 19, 2003. In order to make their boy-king front man, George W. Bush, look more “presidential” as American soldiers continue to die in Iraq, Bush's handlers have slowly been dying his hair from dark to gray.
“We feel that the combination of a more youthful hair color combined with the President's perpetually vacant facial expression really detracts from the President's credibility—it makes him look more like a kid than we'd prefer,” Karl Rove remarked in an unguarded moment with press corps members. “I mean, we can't have him looking younger than Jeb or Neil. Besides, there's always the precedent of Jimmy Carter—even Bill Clinton. Those men gave a damn about what they were doing while they were in the Oval Office—Peanut Boy at least was out there, taking risks and trying to make America better for a majority of people; Clinton-that-Satan-incarnate kinda greased the skids for our boy's influence-peddling, but he still undeniably tried to work for the good of the country instead of wantonly padding his own pockets like our boy. Meanwhile, our boy spends his days throwing tantrums, playing war games with his toy tanks and soldiers, and screaming for his pappy or somebody to wipe his rich white male behind after he makes his messes—he's totally irresponsible, which is just fine with us because we're the ones running the show anyway. But, while this whole 'term in office' thing has been nothing but a great big play day-pay day for him, we just can't afford to show that side of him to the American public or it will be even harder to buy, or rig, the next election. We can't make him SOUND like he's concerned about anybody's welfare but his own, so we have to satisfy ourselves with at least making the man LOOK like he cares about the job he's doing as President of the most powerful nation on earth. Right now, we're considering Clairol because none of us really thinks he's worth L'Oreal.”
“Bob Dole doesn't approve of a Republican having gray hair,” Bob Dole grumbled, speaking about himself in characteristic, pretentious third-person. “And, furthermore, Republican presidents don't go gray in office. Ronald Reagan never went gray in office. The first President Bush never went gray in office. Bob Dole wanted to be President, but, even though he lost the election, he never let that give him gray hair. Bob Dole has been wearing black shoe polish in his hair for forty years. None of that fancy nancy-boy hair dye for Bob Dole! If black shoe polish is good enough for Bob Dole, then it's good enough for any Republican.” He shook his fist and continued, “Now, shut up and pass the Viagra.”
