Bombers Strike Microsoft, Terrorism Backfires

January 25, 2003, Redmond, Washington. At 5:28 p.m. local time yesterday evening, a series of large, powerful pipe bombs hidden around the perimeter, in the basement, and on the roof of the Microsoft headquarters building detonated, reducing the once proud edifice to a pile of gravel-sized rubble in a series of spectacular explosions, fires, and collapses. The attack appeared to be part of a globally synchronized campaign against the giant software company as several other Microsoft buildings and offices around the country and around the world were also stricken and destroyed within minutes of the collapse of the Redmond headquarters. Miraculously, no one was hurt or killed in any of the attacks.

Commenting on the collapse of the Redmond edifice was Microsoft spokesperson Ima Patsy. “It’s very unusual for the entire building to be so empty on a Friday evening. Of course, all the senior offices are locked and dark by 5:01, but the indentured grunts and plebes don’t get out much before midnight—usually much later. This week was special, however, in that there was a company-wide party to celebrate the repeal of the dividend tax, which enabled Microsoft to start giving dividends on its stock. Mr. Gates and the other big stockholders stand to gain so staggeringly much wealth from this that they got together and decided to throw a little party for all the employees. So, locally, we rented the Redmond Hilton for the night, kicked everybody out of their offices at 5:00 sharp, locked the building up tight at 5:15, and were toasting our future prosperity at the open bar ten minutes after that. I imagine it was pretty much the same in all the other Microsoft offices—the bombers couldn’t have picked a better time to strike.”

“Smarmy Joe” Savage, Microsoft’s Vice President for Randomly Removing and Subsequently Randomly Replacing Random Bugs, “Features,” and Functionality in Every New Release (VPfRRaSRRRB“F”aFiENR), was grateful for the sparing of human life during the attacks, but he lamented the devastating loss of what he called “intellectual” property. “These bombers really wiped us out. We were on the verge of releasing our new secure version of Windows—you know, the version we're calling Fiscally undermining hellacious Oueers, or Fuh-Q, that protects you not from viruses or spam but from yourself so that you can't develop Microsoft-compatible freeware. That release was the first forward-thinking project within the company to nip in the bud all those pesky open source companies from stealing our rightful market share. Damn it, they ought to know by now that it's ours, ours, all ours—we have a right to 100% of the software market share, the hardware market share, and any other damn market share we damn well want. And anyone who disputes that is stealing!” He punctuated his remarks by savagely pounding his fist into his open hand.

He continued, “But our Fuh-Q effort's out of the question now; it's doomed, DOA—it’s not like the company ever kept any records. It’s against company policy to develop software specifications and definitions and then work toward those documents—such practices only degrade the intent of our products. The secret to our security and market share is that no single person knows how any of [the software] functions—not even the guy or gal who programmed it. Each line of code gets assimilated into the collective, where it takes on a whole new life, a new meaning. For example, there is no way on earth to reproduce the almost living entity that was Microsoft Office without actually making some of it work—by accident, of course. Exhaustive, thorough software design might even lead to software that is intuitive, cohesive, well designed, and even carefully crafted according perhaps to some kind of standard …” He broke off, visibly horrified at the dystopia he had just conjured. The Technical Director for the Prevention of Deterministic Software (TDftPoDS) and the Associate Director for Ensuring the Release of Thoroughly Untested Software (ADfEtRoTUS), who overheard these remarks, nodded their heads solemnly in concurrence.

More personal condolences were offered by Walker Herbert, affectionately nicknamed “a real Herbert” by the rank-and-file he supervises and who is Microsoft’s Chief Executive Advisor for “Developing” Code that is Congealed Rather than Designed and Foisting it upon an Unsuspecting Public who Nonetheless Expects to buy Software that Works (CEAf“D”CtiCRtDaFiuaUPwNEtbStW): “I feel really sorry for Mr. Gates. To pay for this, he will have to casually dig under the left cushion of the sofa in his living room—maybe even under all the cushions of all the sofas in all his living rooms. He might even have to dip into that little tin he keeps hidden in his underwear drawer where he keeps a little stash of spare pocket change to pay the pizza delivery guy. I expect this financial disaster will cost him a great deal of time and effort—it may even set him back a whole ten minutes.”

Meanwhile, groups of citizens forced by their employers to standardize on Microsoft software banded together to hunt down the mastermind of the bombing attacks. Upon finding him, it is said that they huddled around him and whisked him off to a secret location where they hoisted him up on their shoulders and awarded him a solid gold laurel wreath to wear on his brow, $1B U.S. that they had collected themselves, keys to scores of cities all around the world, and a redundance of warm hugs, hearty handshakes, kisses, pats on the back, and grateful thank-yous. Cries of “Long live Linux!” “Borg Gates Sucks!” “Thank God, now I can use Open Office at work, too!” “Maybe now those bastards will write software that works!” and cheers for open source were said to fill the room and slowly die away as the man, now a hero not only to the terrorist movement who sent him but also to every man, woman, and child ever thwarted by the Blue Screen of Death, was said to have been aided by his throng of grateful, enthusiastic admirers to complete his getaway before authorities could apprehend him. Despite large orders for an unusual quantity of solid gold statues and statuettes said to be representations of him, the man’s identity and whereabouts may never be known.