A note to our Esteemed Readers:
We at the Scallion highly recommend you peruse the following website for additional news to that which appears in this week's edition:

http://www.alternet.org/

We are highly shocked that Howard Dean is more conservative on issues like the Israel-Palestine conflict and others where America would benefit from a more progressive take on life.

And now ... on with the news!

Christie Todd Whitman Steps Down as Environmental Protection Agency Head

July 1, 2003. Tired of being reprimanded by the Bush administration for her occasional lapses into a moderate stance on the environment, Christie Todd Whitman resigned from her position as the head of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).

“Of course, I know that that the EPA was created solely to protect the environment from the American people so that it could be fully enjoyed and exploited by American big business,” Whitman sighed as she packed the contents of her desk into the half-dozen copy-paper boxes being handed to her by the security guard who oversaw her exit from the premises. “I'm proud of my record of preserving the highest possible levels of arsenic in our nation's drinking water, slashing funding for environmental conservation, and trashing the ecosystem on general principle. It's just that I thought it makes sense to save a little for later—you know, for a rainy day—instead of just rushing out there and using it all up at once, like the President and his business associates and contributors would rather do. Heck, I was just trying to help them out by protecting them from themselves a little bit. I mean, it's not like I was ever pro-environment or pro-conservation or anything silly like that! I'm sorry that the President and I couldn't see eye to eye, but I like to think he knows how undyingly loyal I am to his cause of eradicating clean air, endangered species, and wild habitat forever.”

As Whitman continued to pack, her replacement, former Idaho Governor Dick Kempthorne, burst into his new office to pick through the office supplies she hadn't already surreptitiously placed in with her personal belongings. “I've got your job 'cause I have a penis,” he crowed, singing tauntingly. “I wasn't fired; I resigned,” Whitman retorted. “Yeah, right,” Kempthorne giggled, making superior faces at her. “Oh, get over yourself,” Whitman growled. “If they'd rather use it all up in one day instead of metering it out over the next five years or so, that's no concern of mine.” “Damn straight it isn't,” mocked Kempthorne, “You're outta here!” “Not a moment too soon,” rejoined Whitman, “but at least I won't have to look at your ugly face any more.” “Ooooh!” squealed both Kempthorne and the security guard, who had held his tongue up until then.

Dueling Utopias for America and Unamerica ...
Part I (This article has been divided into multiple parts to fool Blogger and twist its arm into publishing The Scallion's articles this week):

June 30, 2003. Incensed by a conservative Supreme Court’s recent decisions not to criminalize consensual homosexual sex or race-based affirmative action, the U.S.’s neo-ultraconservative movement, which includes the Christian right, has armed itself to deal with the greatest threats to its existence—democracy and populism in any and all forms—by publicizing its righteous, God-approved goals for all to see, thus eliminating any possible dissent, disagreement, or contrariness at home or abroad. A secret conference convened earlier today to strategize and set forth the edicts to feed the American populace. Attired in servant’s garb, an incognito Scallion reporter was on hand to record the proceedings.

“Homosexual sex is a criminal act that should be punishable by death,” proclaimed an angry Bill Frist in recent overtures toward criminalizing gay marriage in the Constitution to compensate for the Supreme Court’s recent decision to decriminalize sodomy in the states [1].

Despite his obvious French ancestry, Tom De Lay agreed: “Aside from the whining terrorist liberal puke dissenters to our great nation and our great cause, every American knows that might makes right. America has the most might, so America has the most right. Being part of this great neoconservative movement that is antithetical to Blacks, women, minorities, poor people, or, indeed, any form of rights for anyone but ourselves is what this movement is all about. The great meat-eating, Bible-belt, Republican populace of the United States of America has no need whatsoever to think for itself. And that, my friends, is truly right. If we say it’s right, then it’s right. If we want to slaughter Mideastern towelheads, then we say, ‘It’s OK to slaughter Midestern towelheads.’ Then, hey presto, slaughtering Midestern towelheads becomes the rightest, bestest thing to do. And, hey, if it’s OK to slaughter inconvenient populations of people, then, of course, it’s OK to slaughter lesser animals for fun and profit. Thinking just gives you a headache and wrinkles. As soon as the whining terrorist liberal puke dissenters out there realize that, they will have no choice but to join our side. It’s just a matter of time, after all—this is the winning side, and it’s the only side. Our game is the only game in town. Anyone who disbelieves that is just fooling themself.”

Paul Wolfowitz added his remarks: “My two esteemed colleagues are, of course, right. The neoconservative Republican movement has vast appeal to many ordinary Americans because our message is so incredibly heady and addictive: ‘no matter how you abuse those around you—especially to make a buck!—you are right. No matter how much of an asshole you are, you are right. No matter how many people you injure, maim, kill, or rape for a dollar here or in the turd world, by which I mean everything outside U.S. borders, you are right. So what if you bash harmless creatures over the head with baseball bats or shoot them just to watch them bleed or burn down their ecosystems just to watch the pretty red flames? So what if you poison the atmosphere or the environment for millennia to come? So what if you dump chemotoxic waste into a river and make seven hundred species go extinct overnight? The point is that you are right. You are perfect and can do no wrong. You are invincible and uncorruptible in your perfection. If you are a Republican, then you are the only Thing that matters in God’s green universe. Yes, you are right, and God loves you.’ Now, I ask you, who in his right mind can resist a message like that: you don’t have to think because everything you do is automatically right because you are a card-carrying, God-fearing, gun-toting, meat-eating, SUV-driving Republican? The answer, as we all know, is not freakin’ many. Heck, even though our movement actively bashes and denigrates broads, we still have tons of broads who buy into our message body and soul. This, of course, only confirms how stupid broads really are. But I digress. The point is that we have so many supporters among regular Americans because the you-are-right message has captured their imaginations regardless of the fact that the Republican party serves them in no tangible way whatsoever other than to tell them they are right. I defy even the best of the brightest whining terrorist liberal pukes to compete with that brilliant coup!”

“Even if they could, the ‘liberal’ media wouldn’t tell anyone! We wouldn’t let ‘em out of our hip pocket long enough let out a stifled peep!” chortled Tom De Lay, starting a raucous laughing fit among the attendees.

A misty-eyed Bill Frist resumed speaking at that point. “Yes, my compassionate conservative colleagues: here, we are all indeed right, which makes our message, our mission, and our greatest-of-all-time Top Gun president thoroughly unimpeachable. But let us get down to business. We all know what a utopia America could be if the whining terrorist liberal pukes at home and abroad were silenced—exterminated—forever. The question is, just how much of our vision should we communicate to the American people to get them completely on board?”

Part II:

A discussion ensued. Senator Frist, who insisted on being called “doctor” in public although he had long ago secretly thrown over his M.D. title because such compassion is thoroughly incompatible with being a neoconservative Republican, outlined the talking points for the neocon American utopia:

1. The Bill of Rights shall be eliminated, and the Constitution shall be reduced and rewritten so that it favors only the top 1% of wealthiest Americans. Thus, the enriching of the already rich shall become not only practice but absolute law. Infraction against this law shall be punishable by death.

2. Full voting rights shall be extended to the top 1% of wealthiest Americans. The top 10% of wealthiest Americans shall have the right to vote Republican in any and all primaries. Failure of any of these Americans to vote Republican shall be punishable by death. The remainder of Americans shall have the right to have their votes disqualified and their persons hauled bodily away from the polling site. Of these disqualified voters, those who have signed lifelong oaths of allegiance to the Republican party in their own or their loved ones’ blood shall be released unharmed after a first offense; all other disqualified voters who attempt to vote shall drop through a trap door in the voting booth into a pit of starved rabid turbo-piranhas never to be seen or heard from again.

3. Did we mention that the Democratic party shall be disbanded along with any and all other past, present, and future parties that could and/or would oppose the rightful ruling Republican party?

4. Because they are singularly blessed by God, the top 1% of wealthiest Americans shall have the right to own the remainder of persons residing on or around the planet Earth or, in fact, the rest of the universe if it be inhabited by useful life. Social and economic Darwinism shall decide which of the wealthiest of the wealthiest owns whom.

5. America shall be divided up with the best bits going to the wealthiest of the wealthy and the lesser bits prioritized according to lesser wealth. The turd world—again, anything beyond U.S. borders—shall be divided up similarly. Any disagreements regarding divvying up of the planet shall be decided via social and economic Darwinism.

6. No, it is not ironic to preach creationism instead of science and dog-eat-dog Darwinism for social and economic evolution instead of Christianity. Admitting to oneself or remarking in public that such an irony exists shall be punishable by death.

7. We shall strive to turn George Orwell’s brilliant utopian vision of “1984” into a glittering, self-serving reality that engulfs the entire planet in American Big Brother, thought police, and newspeak. We shall leave no stone unturned in our imperialistic quest. All your fill-in-the-blank are belong to us now and forever.

8. The sole purpose of the American government shall be to build and deploy the world's largest military to enforce America's totalitarian, imperialistic vision at home and abroad. Resistance is useless. You will be assimilated.

Republican constituent Harcourt Fenton Milksop, a 250-pound ex-Marine, applauded the Republican vision for a new America, free from democracy and, in fact, free from freedoms of all kinds. His wife, Mary, would have heartily agreed with him, had he deigned her to speak. “Let the whining terrorist liberal pukes have their freedoms and their organic foods and their clean fresh air and their fuel-efficient cars and their green leafy trees and their democracy over in that heathen pagan Unamerica of theirs,” growled Mr. Milksop. “Thank God those wicked bastards seceded into their own God-forsaken nation and left the true America intact: clean, pure, and holy. Too bad they didn't leave and take the Blacks with them decades ago. God knows that my wife and I are only too happy to be the rightful property of some rich person or other—at least, that's what we're saying out loud because we really think that WE'RE in the privileged ruling class, even if I do only bring in $40,000 gross per annum. But we're only too happy to leave our lives and our futures in the holy hands of His High Holiness, President Top Gun. Thinking takes too much work. It gives you headaches and wrinkles. Our only regret is that we didn't take over the rest of the world decades ago. Just like we will take over Unamerica when we're good and ready, although we'll probably have to kill those bastards—they're probably beyond all hope of salvation and reeducation at this time.”

The American Utopian vision—unrelenting world domination by the richest of the rich; ownership of less wealthy humans by wealthier humans; reduction of the natural environment into a perpetually polluting landscape of pavement, farms, factories, and laboratories; mandatory pregnancy and motherhood for all females of childbearing age without any semblance of responsibility being conferred onto impregnating males; the right of every able-bodied human to work morning-to-night seven days a week for the privilege of earning meager, sustenance food and clothing rations; the right of every non-able-bodied human to be expatriated or exterminated; Orwellian indoctrination of the dumbed-down masses and the right to be executed for deviating from the party line in thought, word, or deed; homophobia; misogyny; fundamentalist Christian rich white supremacy; hatred and mistrust of the poor; and the testosterone-laden bliss of never-ending imperialistic war—contrasts sharply with the Unamerican version of Utopia. “Well, our vision of Utopia is pretty much the opposite of the neocon-American vision,” remarked Unamerican provisional President Ralph Nader. “We espouse free and fair opportunities for everyone with fair pay for fair work, living wages, and decent benefits; European-style ethics in all business dealings at home and abroad, including conservation and preservation of indigenous peoples and their cultures and livelihoods; conservation of the environment and preservation of the planet; self-determination for men and women of all ages, races, beliefs, sexual orientations, and sizes and shapes; the right of every woman to determine for herself when and how many children to have and whether or not to continue a pregnancy; free child care and public education so the poor can help themselves out of poverty and into affluence; reaching out to our brothers and sisters in the global village to promote cooperation instead of competition; peaceful resolution of conflicts and negotiation instead of war; and, in short, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for every Unamerican.

“What with all that imperialism and war-mongering over there in America, it's a good thing that we have all the workers over here in Unamerica. Can you imagine the mischief those crazy greedy Americans would wreak around the world if they could get their hands on cheap labor, like they had before we seceded?” Nader paused and shook his head, concluding, “It wobbles the mind!”

[1] For Frist's actual remarks seeking a Constitutional amendment criminalizing gay marriage in the U.S., see the “Democracy Now!” website: http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/06/30/1410211

U.S. Delays—Cancels?—Iraqi Elections

June 30, 2003. The Washington Post and Democracy Now! (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/06/30/1410211) report today that the U.S. occupation force in Iraq has halted local elections and self-rule in over a dozen Iraqi cities, installing instead a cadre of hand-picked administrators from the former Iraqi military. Many high-ranking Ba'athists are now mayors of a dozen cities including Samarra, Najaf, Tikrit, Balad, and Baqubah. Last week, hundreds in Najaf protested the canceled elections. One banner read: "O America, where are promises of freedom, elections, and democracy?"

U.S. troops have cracked down on Iraqi opposition and protests in response to these uprisings as well as guerrilla attacks and other armed insurgence. The total number of U.S. soldiers killed since the start of the invasion has now topped two hundred: one third have been killed since White House resident Bush announced the so-called end of hostilities.

National Public Radio (NPR) has faithfully upheld its new role as neocon toady: it faithfully reports without question or comment any and all White House claims that attacks against U.S. troops in Iraq are sporadic and decreasing in intensity and frequency. NPR has further obliged Bush and his handlers by directly quoting administration labels of the ambushers and attackers as “isolated terrorists” in an unrelenting denial that these wielders of grenades and machine guns could by any means comprise frustrated, hungry, desperate ordinary citizens who feel threatened and insecure for their and their families' personal safety and future welfare in the face of American mis- and non-management of their country after the invasion: unending unemployment and no other apparent means to survive, contribute, or rebuild their devastated nation and culture; lack of basic necessities of life, like edible food, clean water, or reliable electricity; or, indeed, tacit refusal to provide even the tiniest semblance of law and order—not to mention the autonomy and democracy George W. Bush promised when he sent in his storm troopers to annex the place for his oil buddies. Interestingly, NPR has failed entirely to celebrate the widespread violation of international human rights laws in U.S. treatment of Iraqi and other Muslim prisoners, not to mention the rousing success of U.S. troops in their eager, efficient defense of the most defenseless and vulnerable—and, therefore, worthy—population in Iraq: its oil wells.

A Ray of Hope in the Neocon Darkness?

June 27, 2003. The dwindling progressive portion of the American populace may not have reason to celebrate per se, but there may be a good reason to smile a little. In addition to last week's Supreme Court rulings upholding affirmative action and striking down state sodomy laws, a stealthy movement has been slowly but surely gripping public and cable television channels. These fearless entertainment visionaries have been airing an unusual selection of programs for today's neoconservative political climate: the expected chest-thumping patriotic docu-dramatic fare has had to make way and share the airwaves with Hitler's biography, documentaries of McCarthyism and other totalitarian and totalitarian-wannabe regimes, and programs elucidating decades-long Black economic disadvantage and spiritual evolution. We of The Scallion can only conclude that not all mainstream corporate media are willing to suck up to the rich and powerful owners and operators of the country.

Of course, a major drawback to the Supreme Court's recent reasonability is that said reasonability indeed serves—surprise!—the neocon agenda to stack the courts with—you guessed!—more neocons. The Republican rationale is to deflate the Democrats' sails: by showing that a conservative court can sometimes act moderately (and banking on Americans' short attention span), Republicans expect to use the example of the Supreme Court's recent reasonable behavior to eschew Democratic opposition and silence Democrats' arguments against the Miguel Estradas of the world.

A Word to The Scallion's Readers Re Last Week's Edition

June 25, 2003. We of The Scallion would like to assure our gentle readers that, despite a decided stance against genetically mutilated crops, The Scallion does not espouse a Luddite philosophy. Indeed, technology of all varieties is the promise of the future. However, we take strenuous exception to the recklessly irresponsible American Big Business axiom “Screw thy neighbor—then split!” because that practice is not sustainable, any more than imperialism, gas-guzzling SUVs, and fossil fuel dependency are sustainable. We believe that the future lies in a more cooperative global economic paradigm where people—regardless of how they look—and their ideas are valued more highly than mere money.