Authorities Step Up Sniper Ante

October 20, 2002, the nation's capital. In addition to a monetary reward leading to the capture and arrest of the capital area sniper, local and federal law enforcement authorities have conferred to offer a more physically satisfying reward that they expect will have even broader appeal for terrorized area residents. Police and FBI officials hope that this drastic measure will not only facilitate capture of the sniper, who is suspected of already having killed nine and wounded up to three—including a man shot yesterday in Ashland, Virginia—but will also act as a powerful deterrent to those contemplating future crimes on American soil.

An FBI spokeswoman, Ms. I. Ketcham, outlined the new reward program for the press in an interview earlier today: “After weeks of laborious conferences and meetings, state and federal law enforcement officials all over the country have concluded that the nation's current punishments involving incarceration and even the death penalty do not constitute a sufficient deterrent to violent crime in America. While many would-be criminals find the prospect of losing their freedom to be an unpleasant thought, they do not sufficiently understand the drudgery, suffering, and humiliation of incarceration until they find themselves behind bars. Similarly, death by lethal injection is hardly a deterrent to committing a violent crime. Many inmates on death row end up romanticizing this pain-free death, and they go to their graves perceiving themselves as some sort of twisted martyrs. So, law enforcement officials all around the country began to feel that something more is needed.

“Which brings me to the new reward system, which, more accurately, is a system of reward for those outraged by the crime as well as capital punishment for the offender. What happens is this: once the perpetrator is captured, tried, and declared guilty of violent offense or offenses, he is placed on a display where the average citizen can walk up to him and kick him in the nuts. Victims and survivors of the crime or crimes are given pro-golf drivers with which to hit the guy in the nuts. Other citizens are encouraged to wear steel-toed boots so as not to injure themselves. Participants are allowed as many kicks, punches, or drives to the perpetrator's groin as they can make without exhausting themselves. To raise money for victim services and crime prevention, jailers will conduct tours, traveling all over the country with convicted violent offenders so that law-abiding citizens can pay a small admission fee to kick these jerks in the nuts. Considering how many million people live in the Washington, D.C. area and suburbs alone, it could take years of round-the-clock daily nut-kicking before this sniper guy ever finishes the local circuit and gets close to seeing the inside of the national tour bus. Not only do we expect that the prospect of having your nuts kicked each and every day for the rest of your natural life will finally provide a real and present deterrent to violent crime, but we also hope that it will become the most lucrative fundraiser since the Dunkin' Duhbya piranha dunk tank.

“Too bad we couldn't use this new reward-and-punishment system on the perpetrators of 9/11. I can't think of anybody who more richly deserves to be kicked in the nuts.”