The Scallion

Disclaimer: this online political & social satire webzine is not suitable for the decerebrate (translation: our illustrious bonehead, his benighted administration, neo-ultraconservative Republicans, rabid Catholics, sheep, or their sympathizers) or for readers under age 18. As satirists, we take no responsibility if what we say is dangerously close to the truth. If you're under 18, stop reading this NOW & go turn yourself in to your Mommy for a well-deserved spanking, you no-good little whelp.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Today's Highlights and Headlines from “Democracy Now!” ...

* U.S. Directs World Trade Organization to Dictate What Europeans Should Eat (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/19/1528248)

* Former Iraqi Vice President Captured (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/19/1528248)

* Toady Blair Ignored Official Warnings By Top Advisors that Saddam Hussein Was Not a Threat (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/19/1528248)

* Texan Jim Hightower Comments on American Kleptocracy and Regular Americans' Struggle to Take U.S.A. Back (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/19/1533241; The Scallion highly recommends Mr. Hightower's latest book, “Thieves in High Places: They've Stolen Our Country, and It's Time to Take it Back”—see www.half.com or www.bn.com to buy)

* Presidential Candidate Dennis Kucinich Speaks to Amy Goodman on the Blackout and Other Issues that Concern Real Americans (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/18/1418203; for the entire transcript, see http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/18/1418203#transcript1)

* The Great Northeastern Blackout of 2003 (for various articles, see http://www.democracynow.org)

Editor's response to “Go Ahead, California—Make Our Day,” published August 12, 2003:

The Scallion knows of one subtle if disturbing connection between Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Bush family: both have ties to the Nazi party. Ex-president George H. W. Bush's father, Prescott Bush, was an avid financial supporter and admirer of the Nazi party and its methods of rule circa World War II. Arnold Schwarzenegger's family were Nazis, as, it is said, was Mr. Schwarzenegger himself before emigrating. Is it any wonder, then, that Mr. Schwarzenegger should be the first choice of a growingly fascist Republican party in their bid to take over California ... and the world? (The tattooed skinheads in the biker gangs and the TV documentaries aren't the ones we need to worry about—the Nazis in the American government are the real problem.) The sad news is that this recall media circus even is likely to see greater voter turn out than the original election of Governor Davis did ...

Letter to the Editor: Incremental Improvement for Rich Means Devastation for Everyone Else

August 15, 2003. All in the name of a few more years' greed and profit, American corporations are committed to risking the future of the planet by relentlessly seeking business practice carte blanche no matter the cost to make life incrementally better for million/billionaires and dramatically worse for the rest of world. The global climate change resulting from the exhaustion of fossil fuels at a rate soon to exceed demand (within the next ten to twenty years) will, if left unchecked, literally make the planet uninhabitable by raising temperatures and, thus, drying up rivers and irrigation supplies in massive swaths of arable lands. But, hey, if America's wealthy stand to pocket another dollar they don't need and can't even spend anyway, even if it means taking bread from the mouths of starving children, then more power to them—they have the Bush administration's full support, and they know it.

The real mystery is how few non-wealthy Americans know it. Working class Americans from all walks of life seem strongly to support the Bush administration and its economic policies without seeming to realize that they are not the ones being served by these policies and politics. Have they failed to realize what pawns they are—have they mistaken themselves for being members of the ruling class? Perhaps. Will they realize that they and their lifestyles too are fodder for the wealthy neocons eying their bank accounts? Too soon to tell.

The issue here is sustainability: America as we know is it unsustainable.

Consider the scenario that America continues as it has, unchecked by conscience or reason. According to Enviroweb's global perspective (http://globalwarming.enviroweb.org/ishappening/peopleemc2/peoplenenergy_globalper.html), the U.S., which accounts for 5% of the world's population, generates 22% of the world's fossil fuel emissions—a gross inequity. Yet fossil fuel, which is not renewable, is under ever increasing demands in the face of growing American consumption, including via SUVs, hummers, and other low-mileage-per-gallon vehicles often used for single-occupant daily commuting. What efforts has the U.S. taken to wean itself and its economic partners off this dwindling fuel source? Virtually none. What will happen when there is not enough oil to meet U.S. demands? Chaos. Beginning with rationing, shortages, skyrocketing prices, black markets, hoarding, riots, and other economics of scarcity, the American way of life as we know it will cease virtually overnight—people's lives and jobs, and therefore their paychecks, will be brutally disrupted. America should have been preparing for the days ahead decades ago: it is too late to pull an all-nighter and expect to come out with an “A” on this exam. Furthermore, fossil fuel emissions lead to global climate change: temporary cooling trends followed by significant warming. The result of global climate upheaval in the short term is increased occurrences of powerful, destructive tornadoes, hurricanes, and other storms—and their spread into regions that usually do not suffer them—resulting in the loss of life and property. In the long term, global climate change will alter the face of the earth beyond recognition, resulting in the loss of arable land and, with it, an acute decrease in the ability of humans everywhere to feed themselves. What happens to middle and working-class America if the “bread basket of the world” comes up empty ... year after year after year? What would be the value of Bill Gates's billions if there simply isn't a piece of bread to be bought? If we thought life without oil was bad, we ain't seen nothin' yet 'til we've seen life without food.

A grim reality, this. Perhaps it disturbs you; it certainly disturbs me. Sadly, it entirely fails to disturb the Bill Gateses and George Bushes and Tony Blairs of the world ... they seem to think their money will protect them somehow ... but there are some realities money can't change to suit the wealthy. Not even money can alter the laws of nature.

Greed is bad business—it is unsustainable. If you continually screw all your customers, your customers will seek greener pastures elsewhere. Oh, you may enjoy a monopoly for a while, but people will eventually get fed up and revolt (case in point: the growing freeware movement in response to the ridiculous prices and pitiful quality of Microsoft software). If you take your profit out of other people's hides, you will eventually run out of hides to harvest (another case in point: Senator Bill Frist propounded, George Bush lobbied for, and Congress passed a bill exonerating vaccine makers from any and all liability when their products injure, maim, or kill ... Congress thus legalized gross negligence ... Later, Congress pretended to be affronted at what they had passed, promising to rectify the “mistake” later only to let it slip conveniently below the nation's radar, never to be heard from again). People and their stupidity are, as resources, only renewable up to a point—and businesses may only pass that point at their peril.

There is a simple lesson here for America's wealthy, their businesses, and their government: sustainability is actually good business. It may require greater social responsibility and greater short term investment—which, by diminishing immediate short term returns, is what makes it so very unappealing—but it is more self maintaining in the long term. With sustainability, everybody wins: the rich, the poor, the environment ... everybody. Perhaps that is the real reason that America's rich and powerful detest the idea so viscerally. Perhaps they begrudge every bite of bread that goes into the mouth of every less-than-wealthy child. In any event, they will eventually have to wake up and smell this particular coffee ... or die out, like the dinosaur.

The writer, Zoe Owens, is a Ph.D. philosopher and author of such introspectively religious books as “Jesus Holy Christ Almighty.”

Great Northeast Blackout Fails to Wreak Poetic Justice

August 14, 2003. The greatest blackout in American history failed to wreak poetic justice by failing to affect life at the White House. Too bad George W. Bush is missing his well-deserved little taste of life in sweltering, 120 degree-Fahrenheit-plus temperatures without electricity.

WorldDom Theme Park Now Open to a Select, Private “Public”

August 13, 2003. Perched upon Camp David's airy retreat site in Maryland's Catoctin mountains, WorldDom, a shiny new fantasy-land theme park, opens its doors for the first time today. However, neither the opening ceremonies or, indeed, the park itself are open to the general public. Created solely for the pleasure and relaxation of the idle neoconservative rich and powerful, WorldDom caters to the wishes of privileged, greedy great white fathers who seek out its rarified atmosphere.

The park features thrill rides like “Top Gun's Iraq War Super Duper Roller Coaster,” “Merry Tax Cut Deficit Go-Round,” “World Domination Free Fall,” “Golden Parachute Glider Drop,” and “Toady Blair's Wild Ride Teacups and Saucers.” The park also boasts walk-through rides and exhibits, like the “Haunted House of Women's, Minorities, and Human Rights” and the “Environmental Conservation House of Mirrors.” There are also games, like the “It's the Economy, Stupid” shell game, where players strive to conceal the truth about the economy from the sheepishly gullible American public, and the Iraq war shooting gallery, where points are earned regardless of whether the player shoots American soldiers, Iraqi soldiers, or innocent civilians; extra points are earned for hitting the “Cut Veterans' Pay and Benefits” bullseye or the “Loot World Antiquities While Guarding Oil Wells” cowbell. Another wildly popular game is the “Dunk the Lesbos” dunk tank, featuring life-size cardboard cutouts of Martha Stewart or Hillary Clinton that players can dunk—and dissolve—in a vat of acid by striking the metal bullseye with a baseball.

The vast majority of guests attending the park's debut have been enthralled with the facility and its offerings. “I haven't had this much fun since I sicked SCO on Linux's heels! It's worth every penny of the $10,000 admission I paid for the day,” bellowed a guffawing Bill Gates, as he strove to rope in a small herd of computer-using marmosets and chain them to an equal number of Windows-based PCs in his third consecutive game of “Ring the Stupid-User.” Ex-Enron CEO Kenneth Lay loudly agreed as he dunked his fifth consecutive Martha Stewart. “Take that, bitch—they've got you, but I'm still free! Hee hee,” he giggled with abandon. Also mirthful was John Ashcroft, as he gleefully fed copy after copy of the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights into a cross-cut shredder. Park visitors were pleased not only with the games but also with the rides. “Well, I may come from working class stock, but I still found the rides and the haunted house very scary,” Karl Rove mock-shivered as he munched on some popcorn. “Thank heaven they're just rides!” a mock-relieved Rove sighed with a smirk and a wink.

Not everybody was totally charmed with the park. Attending the park's grand opening by invitation, one pair of well-dressed, independently wealthy gentlemen from Washington, D.C. openly expressed their disgust with the park, its obvious neoconservative values, and the waste of the king's ransom lavished on the design and building of the facility. “Instead of taking pot shots at the poor and less fortunate, these park profiteers could have spent that money helping their fellow human beings and contributing to society rather than irresponsibly padding their own pockets,” one of the men remarked as they wrinkled their noses and left. Equally unhappy for different reasons, despite a large pink cotton candy in one hand and a candied apple in the other, a petulant George W. Bush complained bitterly about the new park. “I thought this place was all about fantasies and having wishes granted and stuff,” he pouted. “But this place ain't no different than home, where the supply of oil and blood money really are endless and there ain't no such thing as global warming and people give me money just 'cause I'm pappy's son and Osama and Saddam don't matter and the Iraqis love us as liberators and only rich white men matter and the rest of them pukes exist only to serve us and there ain't no such thing as Democrats and feminists and progressives and populists and all of that there stuff anyway. I mean, where are all the fantasies if everything they show us is already true?” Bush whined as he stamped his foot, causing the propeller on his “I'm President, Who the Hell are You?” beanie to spin vapidly. “Heck, the least they could'ha done was to gimme a beer and a snort and tell me it wasn't addictive and nobody'd know anyway. I could'ha used a fantasy like that. But this place is useless.” He folded his arms and scowled ominously, unleashing a keening wail: “I wanna go home!” He then proceeded to pitch a full-blown tantrum, requiring Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to seize his arms and force him toward Air Force 1 while Laura cajoled, crooned, bribed, and ultimately blackmailed him onto the plane.